There’s a Way to Get Your Significant Other to Dress Better. It Takes a Bit of Subterfuge.

Dear Prudence Prudie replies to readers’ comments and suggestions. Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Oct 09, 20266:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Maksym Rudoi/iStock/Getty Images Plus and Alena Niadvetskaya/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Each week, Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on the letters she’s received. Her reply will be available every Friday. Hey Prudie, Re Trying Not to Be Insensitive: Weight and body image are incredibly sensitive subjects, especially when any judgment, comment, or well-intentioned piece of advice comes from a loved one. A bit of a subterfuge might be necessary for Trying Not to Be Insensitive. This is kind of involved, but stay with me on this. Find matching business-type outfits on Amazon (maybe that’s dresses, or slacks and a nice top), and order them for both of you in a couple of sizes (get the size you believe would fit best, plus a size or two larger). When they arrive, present them to your girlfriend and say something like, “Hey love, I know this is kind of silly, but I really want to take a picture of us in matching outfits because I think it would just be really cute. I got these outfits for us from Amazon, and I bought a couple different sizes because you just never know if the sizing is accurate, and they’re really easy to return.” (Depending on the type of work you do, you could also use the ruse that you both need professional headshots for your LinkedIn profile, or other business needs.) Then you both try on your outfits, figure out which size works best, and send back the ones that are too large. I realize this is a more complicated, possibly sitcom-esque strategy. But it will achieve several goals: 1) You can be sure that your girlfriend has at least one outfit that is professional-looking and well-tailored. 2) You will have preserved her feelings. 3) You can actually go and get a nice picture together! —Picture This This scheme is a little bit over the top and absolutely does have a sitcom quality to it, but it’s also brilliant. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Hey Prudie, In response to No Frozen Friends: Maybe she’d be amenable to having Corky go to the taxidermist. Then she could keep Corky on display (IN HER ROOM) and see him all the time. —A Bird in the Hand Is Worth Zero in the Freezer Your sign-off is killing me. That’s a very good idea, though. Hey Prudie, Re Not The Teacher Anymore: Queer educator here! Teachers are generally required to report sexual/romantic advances from mature students (as opposed to, say, a 3-year-old pecking their teacher’s cheek). It sounds like the letter writer failed in that duty, so their potential exposure here is both manufactured (because bigots love to go after upstanding queer educators) and legitimate (because LW did, in fact, have an unreported inappropriate encounter with Vee while Vee was a student). Hybrid situations like this often lead to resignations/firings, even after the fact. Is the risk to LW’s long-term teaching prospects worth indulging this Vee connection? It’s a personal call, but I take Jenée’s point that if it were me, proceeding would indicate one of two things: (1) that the connection with Vee was once-in-a-lifetime-level important and therefore worth risking it all; or (2) that I gave similar importance to my career and my ability to date ex-students … which is more than a bit of an ick. LW, there are literally millions of other queer people in the world to date. Date them, unless you cannot live without Vee. —What’s LW’s Priority? Thank you for this insight. I think “unless you cannot live without Vee” (which doesn’t seem to be the case here) is the right calculation. And I didn’t get that impression from the letter. Hey Prudie, Re Fed Up With Poor Table Manners: I wonder if the letter writer has tried saying to sister-in-law, “Bill doesn’t seem to enjoy being with us at dinner. I’d be pleased if he’d rather stay home, and you could come on your own.” See if brother-in-law is only coming because he thinks he has to, or because SIL makes him, and give him an easy out. Has BIL ever said anything to indicate he wants to be there? “Thanks for the delicious dinner,” for example. If he’s mostly a zombie coming along for the ride, offer to pack a plate for SIL to take home to him, and politely suggest he’d be happier not coming next time. —Cerulea I’d suggest a slight edit: “I’m wondering if BIL being on his phone nonstop is a sign that he’d rather not be with us at dinner. If that’s the case, it’s OK if he wants to stay home.” I just say that because I want to leave open the possibility that his phone use is a reflection of his relationship with (addiction to?) technology, not his feelings about where he is or who he’s with. Hey Prudie, Re Socially Anxious Butterfly: if you want your various friend groups to meet in a low-stakes way before the wedding, I think that’s fine! It’s nice to think there might already be some friend connections before the wedding and then everyone will really mingle. Hosting a holiday party can be a lot—I host one every year (mixing my various friend groups), and it is work. Why not pick an easy, casual neutral location and host a hang there? Holiday=related or not? Like at a family-friendly brewery. Our local brewery is totally kid-friendly, serves pizza, and serves LOTS of beverages besides beer—wine, bubbly water, sodas, juice. Breweries are all about communal space and coming and going as you please. Happy wedding! —VeggiePup Good idea. And since everyone probably won’t show up, I would pair this plan with changing the goal from “all my friends know each other” to “a few friends from different groups will have a chance to meet.” Classic Prudie I am 53. My boyfriend is 40. We have been dating for 18 months, I spend most nights at his place, and we function well as a couple—with one exception. I was a complete secret from his mother. For reasons he refused to share, he would not tell his mother I existed. I refused to move in with him because of this. I met his dad and cooked dinner for the both of them at my house. I met his friends and went out frequently with them. But when his mother visited, I had to make sure all of my things were out of his place so that she didn’t suspect he was anything other than a confirmed bachelor. Advice Dating and Relationships Dear Prudence Fashion