The ‘uncomfortable’ sign your marriage could be doomed before it’s even started

Should a proposal ever really be a surprise? TikTok doesn’t seem to think so (Picture: Getty Images) Down on one knee, you have tears in your eyes, a sparkling ring and one very important question: will you marry me? Proposal videos are everywhere online, with couples leaping into each other’s arms and screams of ‘yes!’. But according to TikTok, if you propose to someone and they look surprised, or even shocked, it doesn’t bode well for your future marriage. London-based content creator, Stasya, shared this hot take, calling it an uncomfortable truth. On TikTok, she said: ‘In a healthy relationship, a proposal is never really a surprise. ‘The more unexpected the engagement… the more likely it is that the marriage itself will be difficult. In reality, the healthier a relationship is, the more predictable it tends to be.’ The comments poured in. Some users agreed, saying that while the way their partner proposed may have been a surprise, being asked to commit to a life together certainly was not. Anna, who goes by the handle @lovedrunkpiscesvenus, said she picked the ring and knew her man had bought it — but he ended up actually popping the question spontaneously, in the middle of a concert. She said: ‘It was so spur-of-the-moment… I wouldn’t have it any other way. It was very us.’ Ask Metro Use AI to go deeper into the stories you care about – powered by Metro and trusted publications. ‘He’s been asking me tonnes of questions about what I’d like or prefer in both the proposal and the ring,’ she wrote. But not everyone was convinced by this ‘red flag’. Commenter Ann L Justi says she was completely surprised by the proposal she received — but they’ve still stood the test of time. She wrote: ‘It was a few months after we met, but it’s a lasting fit. Ten years and still going happily.’ ‘Surprise your partner with the moment, not the idea.’ Like some of the commenters, BACP-registered therapist Debbie Kennan tells Metro: ‘Surprise your partner with the moment, not the idea.’ ‘A healthy couple may have openly discussed marriage and what the future looks like, while keeping the proposal itself a surprise. ‘What would be concerning is if one partner is genuinely shocked because marriage or the future has never been discussed. ‘Both partners should have an understanding that marriage is something they want, even if the timing or location is unexpected.’ Debbie says that this could expose issues around communication styles. She says: ‘If one partner makes a major life decision without considering the other’s wishes, that may be more concerning than the surprise itself. ‘Both people need to be able to communicate their expectations and whether they genuinely want it.’ How to talk to your partner about taking the next step in your relationship If you’re ready for a ring, it’s likely you might be dropping hints to your partner about proposing. But have you ever heard of a ? It’s one thing to receive a surprise proposal, but quite another to be offered a ‘shut up’ ring. Rather, one partner has been urging the other to propose. While it might feel like you’ve finally got what you wanted, according to Hayley Quinn, dating coach and expert for Match, it’s usually ‘a fool’s errand’ to try and get your partner to do something that they don’t already want to do. She previously told Metro: ‘First of all, people need to come to their own conclusions about what they want. Does the idea of a surprise even exist? (Picture: Getty Images) ‘Secondly, if you feel you’re pushing for an outcome, and your partner isn’t meeting you halfway, it can send a negative message to your self-esteem. ‘Depending on what stage of your relationship you’re at, this could range from expressing marriage as a preference – for example, “of course with the right person I’d love to get married one day” – or it could be having a more explicit conversation around your expectations – “it’s important to me to feel, even if we’re on slightly different timelines, that we’re ultimately heading in the same direction.” Deals of the Day Shop MySweetSmile's biggest Bank Holiday offers before they end Back-to-school shopping just got a lot cheaper thanks to Primark The back-to-school essential parents forget every year – and it could cost them Simba's cooling mattresses are now up to 30% off ahead of the bank holiday The best hosepipe ban-friendly products to protect your garden this summer ‘This level of open communication is the key to a successful relationship.‘ Ever heard of the 'upgrade trap'? As for other engagement red flags, there’s also the ‘upgrade trap.’ Dr Madeleine Roantree, who’s personally seen many clients fall into this trap, describes it as a pattern in which one or both partners use life events to signal growth in the relationship, believing that these events will fix underlying issues or revitalise the connection. No matter how many plasters you tape down, the wound remains. An ‘upgrade trap’ can take lots of different forms, from having a baby to buying a house. But one of the most common ways this trend plays out is with a proposal. Dr Roantree explains that for some people, seeking emotional validation can mean they look to ways in which they can ‘prove’ their relationship is a success. ‘It could also be a desire for change, thinking that a life event will bring excitement, new focus and hope,’ she continues. Do you have a story you’d like to share? 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