The Ultimate Guide to Talking Dirty

8 min readEVER TRIED TO watch porn with the sound off? It just doesn't hit the same. Of course it doesn't—dirty talk is too damn hot.In fact, it fuels sexual fantasies for the vast majority of people, according to Justin Lehmiller, PhD, a researcher at the Kinsey Institute and Men’s Health advisor. He surveyed 4,175 Americans about their sexual fantasies for his 2018 book Tell Me What You Want, and found that 93 percent of self-identified women and 90 percent of self-identified men fantasized about their partner talking dirty to them.While the psychological appeal of dirty talk “hasn’t received a ton of study,” says Lehmiller, some studies have reported that erotic stimuli (e.g., dirty talk) fire up the hypothalamus, a region of the brain that influences sexual behavior.But whispering a filthy phrase isn’t just arousing to your partner, it can also strengthen your relationship outside of the bedroom. It’s true: The more you engage in erotic talk that is mutualistic (meaning, focused on you as a couple rather than you as an individual) and includes intimacy and bonding, the higher your post-sex relationship satisfaction, according to a 2020 study.Dirty talk is also a great way to build anticipation and cultivate consent—both before and during intimacy, says Jessica O’Reilly, PhD, sexologist and coauthor of The Ultimate Guide to Seduction and Foreplay. While talking about what you want to do, what you plan on doing, or how you’re feeling in the moment, you and your partner can get a better sense of where the boundaries are and make sure you’re on the same page.So, dirty talk is actually kinda wholesome. Of course, that doesn’t make it any less nerve-wracking the first time you try uttering a filthy phrase in the bedroom. (After all, those kinds of words and phrases probably aren't in your everyday vocabulary.) But don’t worry about getting tongue-tied, we hit up the experts to get their advice on how to talk dirty, plenty of phrase suggestions, and where to get more dirty talk inspo.How to Know if Your Partner Is Into Dirty TalkABOUT HALF OF people—56 percent of men and 53 percent of women—consider dirty talk “somewhat or very appealing,” according to a 2017 study. Basically, you’ve got a 50/50 shot.But you should be 100 percent sure before you start spewing out explicit phrases. So, ask your partner whether they’re on board—and more specifically, if there are any particular words that make them cringe or feel downright uncomfortable. (We recommend having this conversation when you're not in the middle of a hookup, so no one feels pressured to answer one way or another.)The next time you're eating breakfast together or just lying in bed snuggling, you could ask, “Hey, out of curiosity, how do you feel about dirty talk?” And if they're into it, you could ask, “What would you like to hear me say? Are there any words you're not cool with?”Some words or phrases might be out of bounds for you or your partner, and it’s both of your jobs to know what they are. They might say, “When partners call me a b*tch, it’s not really a turn-on for me. I would love it if you called me a sl*t instead.” Dirty words for body parts (p*ssy, c*ck, d*ck, t*ts, etc.) are also worth discussing; there’s nothing inherently wrong with any of them, but some people have strong reactions to one over another.NERVOUS NEWBIES, LISTEN up: There are several ways to ease into dirty talk. Ahead, the experts share a step-by-step guide.1. Start with sexting.This way, you can gauge your partner’s reactions virtually, instead of face-to-face. (It’s so much easier to have someone say something isn’t their thing over text than midway through sex.)Don’t know what to say first? Try these prompts:Describe what you're wearing. This not only sets the scene but provides a pretty seamless transition into sexting. For example, you might type:“I’m in a suit and tie. I look very put together. For now.”“I’m taking off my belt and thinking about you.”“I’m in that shirt you really like. The blue one.”Describe what you’re “doing” right now. Sending a “risky text” is a ballsy move (metaphorically speaking—keep the dick pics to yourself until you’re explicitly asked for one). And while you obviously want the convo to feel natural, not awkward, whatever you sext doesn’t need to reflect what you’re really doing in the moment. You can say you’re naked in bed when you’re actually reading a book in your pajamas.“I’m lying in bed... my clothes are on the floor.”“I’m touching myself.”“I’m so hard right now, thinking about you.”Describe what you want to do later. “Explaining exactly what you want to do to your partner, whether it’s inspired by erotica, porn, or a real-life past sexual experience, is a simplified way to ease into dirty talk without feeling awkward,” sex and relationships psychotherapist Gigi Engle previously told Men’s Health. A few future-focused suggestions:“I want to strip you naked as soon as I see you.”“I want to bend you over my desk when you get here.”“I want to throw you on the bed and have my way with you.”2. Practice solo. Once you're ready to start dirty talking IRL, try saying some racy words or phrases out loud when you’re alone, says Lee-ann Cordingley, a clinical sexologist and certified sex coach in Nottingham, England. This way, you’ll get more comfortable hearing yourself say them, so you’re less likely to stumble over your words or lose your nerve when you have an audience.3. Set the mood. Once you’re ready to try this with your partner, Cordingley recommends keeping the lights off or at a dim level, which may make you feel a little less exposed and inhibited.4. Keep it short and simple. Start with small tidbits of positive feedback—a simple “don’t stop” or “that feels so good” can go a long way. When in doubt, you can always just narrate what’s happening in the moment, Cordingley says. But keep your observations concise, such as “I’m so hard” or “I love how wet you are.”5. Ask questions. Asking questions can encourage your partner to amp up the dirty talk, too, says O’Reilly. For instance, you might ask them:“Do you like that?”“Do you want me to make you come?”“Do you want me to come for you?”“Where do you want me to come?”“Do you want me to taste you?”“What can I do to make you feel good?”6. Get sense-ual. New York-based sex and relationships therapist Rachel Wright, LMFT, recommends using your senses to describe what you’re feeling, seeing, smelling, tasting, and hearing. Here are some of her go-to phrases:For how things feel: “You feel so incredible against me.”For how things look: “You look unbelievably sexy right now.”For how things smell: “You smell like heaven. I could stay here all night.”For how things taste: “You taste so damn sweet. I could eat you for every meal.”For how things sound: “I love hearing the sound of your ass slapping against me.”7. Follow your dirty talk with aftercare.Dirty talk can get really kinky, really fast! That's why it's a good idea to practice aftercare—essentially, any routine that helps everyone feel safe and cared for after a sexual interaction.“Be sure to check in with your partner after sex to see how they are processing and feeling about your dirty talk session,” says Jen Hinds, a sex educator based in Philadelphia. “If things got really hot and heavy verbally, you’ll want to make sure your partner is feeling heard because big emotions can arise.”Especially for those who enjoy consensually degrading verbal play, aftercare is an essential piece of sex to keep the consent, communication, and boundaries in line for all.40+ Phrases to Talk DirtySTILL STRUGGLING WITH what to say? Bank a few of these for future use. You can even take credit for them—we won't tell.“You’re so sexy. I love it when you’re naked.”“What do you want me to do to you?”“I want to feel how wet you are.”“Want to feel how hard you make me?”“I want you to tell me exactly what to do to get you off.”“Tell me where you want me to touch you.”“Do you like when I stroke you fast or slow?”“Show me how bad you want me.”“Spread your legs wide. Your body is mine tonight.”“How about you get over here and show me who’s boss?”“I want to taste you.”“I love the way you smell.”“Show me exactly what you want me to do to you.”“I want you to bend over for me.”“Push your ass back towards me. I want to feel all of you.”“I want to fill you up.”“How deep do you want me to go?”“I want you to look me in the eyes while I’m inside you.”“I love to hear you moan while I’m going down on you.”“I need you so bad right now.”“Get on top of me and don’t get off until you come.”“I want to kiss every inch of your body.”“Your tongue feels so good right there.”“Tease me until I’m begging for it.”“You like it when I do that, don’t you?”“I love when you’re in control.”“Tonight I want to make you come again and again.”“I love watching us in the mirror.”“Just lie back and relax while I make you feel good.”“Tease me until I’m begging for it.”“How horny are you right now?”“I’m going to make you scream with pleasure.”“How fast do you think I can make you come?”“Be a good little sl*t and spread your legs for me.”“How hard do you want it tonight?”“I can’t wait to slide my c*ck inside you.”“I want to tear you clothes off right now.”“I could spend all day inside you.”“I’ve been bad today… how are you going to punish me?”“I can’t wait to see your lips around my d*ck.”“I love when we come at the same time.”Where to Get Extra Dirty Talk InspirationREADING EROTICA OR listening to audio porn can inspire you to expand your dirty-talk repertoire, says Nicoletta Heidgger, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles. Plus, you’ll probably get turned on—a fringe benefit of this horny homework assignment!For reading:Want more? Goodreads has an “Erotica for Men” reading list with more than 100 books.For listening:Dipsea: Basically the Headspace of porn. It offers bite-sized erotic stories to get your motor going.Quinn: A star-studded audio erotica platform featuring sexy stories voiced by Alexander Skarsgård, Hudson Williams, Connor Storrie, and more Hollywood heavy hitters.Frolicme: A one-stop shop for original, ethically made videos, erotic stories, and audio porn.Meet the Experts Justin Lehmiller, PhD, is a researcher at the Kinsey Institute, a Men’s Health advisor, and the author of Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life. Jessica O’Reilly, PhD, is a sexologist and the coauthor of The Ultimate Guide to Seduction and Foreplay.Lee-ann Cordingley is a clinical sexologist and certified sex coach in Nottingham, England. ​Rachel Wright, LMFT, is a sex and relationships therapist in New York.Jen Hinds is a sex educator based in Philadelphia. Nicoletta Heidgger is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles.Cori Ritchey, C.S.C.S., is the fitness editor at Women's Health, as well as a certified strength and condition coach and group fitness instructor. She’s reported on topics regarding health, nutrition, mental health, fitness, sex, and relationships for several years. You can find more of her work in Men’s Health, HealthCentral, Livestrong, Self, and others.