The three-word phrase women use during sex that makes men ‘feel like a failure’

Some men feel pressured by these three simple words (Picture: Getty Images/Westend61) Admit it, communicating with your partner about what you want in bed is hot. Whether it’s asking them to go slower, angle it to the right, or use their fingers at the same time, gentle direction is usually beneficial for both parties. But apparently, there are three words women commonly say to men which can result in them going soft during sex. These erection killing words are: ‘Don’t stop, harder’. ‘As a male I often hear this from my female partners,’ James* says on Reddit. ‘Especially when going rough from behind. ‘I seem to give it my all in these moments until it becomes uncomfortable which at times I lose the erection. It just triggers an insecurity that I may be a disappointment sexually.’ Sex expert Gigi Engle says it’s not uncommon for men to feel under pressure from a phrase like this, so we dug a little deeper to find out why. Performance pressure Firstly, we shouldn’t be painting with broad strokes here, there will be plenty of men who enjoy hearing these three words. Sign up to The Hook-Up, Metro's sex and dating newsletter Love reading juicy stories like this? Need some tips for how to spice things up in the bedroom? Sign up to The Hook-Up and we'll slide into your inbox every week with all the latest sex and dating stories from Metro. We can't wait for you to join us! A couple in their underwear dirty talking to each other in bed (Picture: Getty Images) But for those who don’t, it can get a little complicated. Ask Metro Use AI to go deeper into the stories you care about – powered by Metro and trusted publications. ‘Where we run into a pitfall is assuming it’s really hot [to hear this], when for some, they’ll feel like they can’t cum to too quickly or they’ll be a failure,’ Gigi tells Metro. ‘Or they might be going as hard as they can and then feel like “okay, I guess I’m not good enough”, so it can create performance pressure.’ Alec Williams, BACP registered psychotherapist who helps men heal from relational trauma, adds he’s seen many men who struggle with pressures during intimacy. ‘For many men, this can become a self-fulfilling cycle,’ he tells Metro. ‘They focus so much on performance and “getting it right” they get stuck in their own head. ‘Naturally this can affect how their bodies respond, leading often to losing erections or not being able to orgasm, which creates more internal pressure for the next encounter.’ Gigi points out these three words could also make a man ejaculate sooner than he intended. ‘If they’re on the verge of ejaculating and you say “don’t stop, harder”, they might just ejaculate, which can cause a shame spiral,’ she adds. Vigorous sex Even if you don’t feel any mental pressure from this phrase, it could still have a knock on effect if you do go ‘harder’. ‘If you’re going harder or more vigorously than you’d like to, it can wear you out and getting tired is going to make your erection go down, or cause delayed ejaculation,’ Gigi explains. ‘It can also go the opposite way where you prematurely ejaculate because of so much stimulation.’ Of course, in very rare cases, hard and fast sex could result in some injuries, which would impact your erection. The sex expert, and author of Kink Curious, mentions if the penis slips out the vagina during sex and is quickly and firmly thrust back in, it can create an awkward angle which could result in a possible penile fracture. Men can lose their erections if they feel like they aren’t performing in a certain way (Picture: Getty Images) ‘If you’re uncircumcised you’ll want to place lube under the foreskin, too, because if you’re going really hard it can snag and tear, so be mindful,’ she adds. ‘If something hurts, stop.’ There could even be temporary desensitisation of the penis, as a result of ‘so much sensation’, although it’s reversible, so don’t panic. How can you keep your erection? The main piece of advice both Alec and Gigi have for men who struggle with this, is communication. Stay with us here, because there’s a certain way to do this that could help. ‘Firstly, harder doesn’t always mean faster, it can mean deeper thrusts that are really slow,’ Gigi says. ‘It doesn’t necessarily mean intense, vigorous jack-hammering and most people don’t like that anyway.’ To avoid confusion, you can ask your partner what they mean when they say ‘don’t stop, harder’, which takes away the potential for misinterpretation. ‘Your partner contextualising what they’re saying can be really helpful in alleviating that pressure,’ she adds. Alec agrees, saying: ‘Having an open conversation with your partner about how you’re feeling during sex, and what would help you to feel a greater sense of safety and connectedness could work.’ More about sex If you’re the female partner, Gigi says it could be helpful to communicate beforehand about ‘don’t stop, harder’ being a phrase you enjoy, and add: ‘I know for some people this can create pressure, and I don’t want to create that situation for you, is that something you like?’ But also, if you’re a man struggling with this, Alec recommends ‘cultivating kind, compassionate self-talk and reframing sex to focus on connection, mutual enjoyment, and presence with a partner, rather than solely on achieving orgasm’, which you can do in therapy. ‘This can often reduce pressure and improve the sexual experience for both people,’ he explains. This article was originally published in June 2026 and has since been updated. Do you have a story you’d like to share? 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