The secret to a lasting marriage? Don't ignore your partner when they're upset, scientists say

Published: 09:06 EDT, 8 November 2026 | Updated: 09:06 EDT, 8 November 2026 If you thought the secret to a lasting marriage was regular date nights, grand romantic gestures and surprise getaways, scientists say the real answer may be far less glamorous.A new study suggests that the happiest and most successful couples are those who continue to engage with each other when times get tough.Rather than shutting down or ignoring a partner's unhappiness, couples who acknowledge and respond to each other’s feelings are more likely to develop a healthy ‘validating’ relationship style, they said.On the other hand, those who avoid addressing problems are more likely to fall into a ‘conflict-avoiding’ pattern, which can lead to problems over time.'The emotional cost of ignoring one's spouse helps differentiate between validating and avoider-type marriages,' the team, from the University of Washington, wrote in the journal Proceedings of the Royal Society A.‘There is, of course, an emotional cost associated with ignoring one's spouse when he or she is upset.' Noah and Allie's romance in The Notebook may be dramatic, but scientists say their willingness to confront problems rather than ignore them reflects one of the healthiest relationship styles Ross and Rachel's on-again, off-again relationship in Friends would be a classic example of a 'volatile' partnership, in which couples argue frequently and experience intense emotional highs and lows, but remain highly engaged with one anotherFor their study, the team used a mathematical model based on decades of relationship research.Their work builds on the influential research of relationship expert John Gottman, who identified three broad marriage styles: validating, conflict-avoiding and volatile.According to the study, the healthiest relationships tend to be those in which both partners acknowledge and respond to each other's feelings, even during difficult periods.Researchers describe this as a 'validating' relationship style, where both people stay emotionally engaged rather than retreating when problems arise.Volatile relationships, meanwhile, are marked by frequent disagreements and intense emotional exchanges, with partners openly expressing both positive and negative feelings.While these couples may clash frequently, they remain emotionally engaged with one another rather than withdrawing from conflict.By contrast, conflict-avoiding couples are more likely to steer clear of uncomfortable conversations and ignore issues in the hope they will resolve themselves.While this approach may reduce arguments in the short term, the researchers found it can come at a cost if one partner's unhappiness is left unaddressed.Their analysis suggested that validating relationships emerge when both partners place equal importance on each other's wellbeing and happiness.Therefore, recognising the emotional cost of ignoring a spouse could be one of the key ingredients in a happy and lasting marriage, the researchers concluded.