The scary morning I knew I needed psychiatric care after becoming a mum

Laura Guckian is sitting in her car on the driveway of her home in Tipperary, Ireland. She doesn’t intend to start the engine; instead, she will remain stationary. It’s the only place Guckian, 41, is guaranteed to make it through our interview without being disturbed by her three children, Leo, 10, Alex, six and Anna, five, she explains. She tells me this with a big smile, indicating she finds it to be a humorous result of a full family life, rather than burdensome. But that hasn’t always been the case for Guckian, whose motherhood journey has been complex. It began with pure joy, discovering she was pregnant with her first child, not long after marrying husband Brendan. “I was utterly excited to become a mother,” she recalls. “I had been going through a life roadmap – go to school, then university, build a career, find a partner and get the house. Every part of that rulebook worked out, then I did the final part – become a mother,” says Guckian, who worked in marketing at the time. However, after giving birth, she struggled massively. “It was almost like a light switch went off when my baby was handed to me. I didn’t feel this gush of love that I was told to expect. It frightened me. It made me feel like I was a bad mother, and it got worse from there.” Her son became ill with severe silent reflux so struggled with sleep and was constantly upset. “I was in total survival mode just getting from day to night and night to morning. I felt rage, guilt and isolation, thinking I was the only one who found motherhood hard,” she says. Shorts One in five women experiences mental health issues in pregnancy or in the first year of their child’s life, and suicide is the leading cause of maternal death in the first year. “I am lucky that I am one of the women who didn’t become one of those statistics,” Guckian states. One Sunday morning, when Leo was 10 months old, Guckian realised she really needed help. “For months, I had thoughts of, ‘If I escaped to the airport, I could get some sleep,’ or, ‘If I wasn’t here any more, this would be easier.’ I knew it was just a thought that wasn’t true, but one Sunday morning, I couldn’t grasp the logic. It scared me because I know when logic goes, things can get dangerous quite quickly. I went to my GP the next day, and the psychiatric hospital had space for me a few days later.” She adds: “So many mothers have ended up in a psychiatric hospital, and it’s this secret that society hasn’t uncovered yet.” Guckian is eternally grateful to the medical team for saving her life but says she didn’t get any clarity over what had happened to her, despite staying for two months. She believes that it didn’t need to reach such a severe level and wishes healthcare advisers had stepped in earlier. Guckian with daughter Anna. ‘When Anna was born, I didn’t fight the hard things. Instead of growing frustrated, I leaned into it,’ she says (Photo: Adrienne Mullen) What pulled her out of the hardest chapter was ultimately being compassionate towards herself and giving up the notion of a “perfect mother”. She insists: “It doesn’t exist.” Wanting to be part of wider positive change, Guckian then trained as a maternal mental well-being expert and then decided to launch her podcast, Momfessions, in 2024, in which she has frank conversations about the challenges of parenthood. “I remember looking for a podcast like this when I was struggling, but I felt that mum podcasts were often talking about the fluffy parts. After I recovered, I said, ‘I will create that podcast.’ I want to remove the stigma and shame that ultimately isolates mothers. When women feel they can be honest, they can exhale. “There’s this societal narrative that if you’re finding motherhood hard, then you’re not a good mother and so people don’t want to admit it and be judged. In my opinion, there’s no such thing as a good or a bad mother. There are just mothers navigating different circumstances.” In Momfessions Guckian has frank conversations about the challenges of parenthood “One of the things I hear mothers asking the most is, ‘Did I make the right choice becoming a mother?’ I did research among 2,000 mothers across Ireland and the UK, and around 34 per cent said that at some stage they did regret becoming a mother because it was so much harder than they thought. It is not that they don’t love their children, but it is different to how they imagined. They are exhausted and overwhelmed, literally drowning in trying to do it all. The reality is that’s just not possible.” Listening to other women and reflecting on her own experience has led Guckian to believe that we need more honesty around what motherhood entails. “When I was lucky enough to be in the House of Commons earlier this year as an ambassador for Mothers for Mothers, there were conversations about at what stage mothers should be supported more. I said we’ve got it wrong: we need to make this a core part of education for boys and girls before they are parents. It’s not to scare anyone off having children, but it’s more about allowing them to make an informed choice and providing tools so that it’s not as hard for them as it was for me.” She particularly wants matrescence, the physical, emotional and psychological transition a woman goes through when becoming a mother, to be spoken about more. Laura started a podcast to discuss motherhood (Photo: Adrienne Mullen) “When we go through adolescence, we’re held together by our parents, the education system, and it is almost expected that it is a hard chapter, because we know about it. Matrescence can last up to 10 years, and it makes people incredibly vulnerable, so we need just as much support and education on it. You don’t wake up and suddenly know what you’re doing with mothering. If we’re educating our girls on this, it’s easier to navigate because there is an awareness that this is normal and it will eventually end.” Guckian went on to have two more children, and although she was initially fearful of how she would cope, she says it was an entirely different experience. “When Anna was born, I was already doing this work so that was the best postpartum experience I had because I didn’t fight the hard things. Instead of growing frustrated, I leaned into it. Knowledge is power,” she concludes. Season 6 of Momfessions is available on all major podcast platforms from 14 September. If you are struggling with your mental health, you can call Samaritans free at any time on 116 123 or visit samaritans.org