The Lead Role in the School Play Is Rightfully My Daughter’s. The Teacher’s Excuse Is Unfair.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by yalayama/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, My daughter, “Peyton,” started kindergarten in August. Things were going well until last week when Peyton came home from school and said that her class is going to be doing a play on the story of Peter Rabbit. When her teacher, “Ms. J” was choosing which kid would play the part of Peter Rabbit, she told the kids that whoever raised their hand first would get it. Peyton raised her hand immediately only for Ms. J to tell her, “Oh, we’ve never had a girl Peter Rabbit before” She then chose a boy for the part and gave Peyton the part of one of Peter’s sisters. Peyton is now very upset. She called Ms. J a “liar” for not upholding what she promised and says she doesn’t want to be in the play at all. My wife wants to talk to Ms. J about giving the part to Peyton since that’s what she told the class and that she never specified about the part having to go to a boy. I don’t feel it’s worth making such a stink over. Ms. J did a sucky thing, but I think Peyton is being a sore loser here by expecting the part to be taken away from the child it was given to and wanting to boycott the play. My wife thinks we should let her if Ms. J won’t change her mind. What’s the proper response? —Peter Problems Dear Peter Problems, Ms. J is a liar and she sucks! That’s not reason enough for Peyton to opt out of the play, but it does mean that you and/or your wife should confront her teacher directly. She made a promise to a group of kids who take having their expectations met very seriously, which is part of the reason this is so jarring to your daughter. Ms. J made it seem as though the role was open to anyone, then later said it had to be a boy. Many schools haven’t adopted gender-blind casting practices for school plays yet, but Ms. J should have never led your girl to believe she had a shot. Explain to her that your daughter is hurt and disappointed and that this isn’t simply about her believing that she should be the lead—it’s that she was told she qualified and then, once she did what was asked of her, the rules changed. Ask her to consider how kids that age would process something like that and if she’d perhaps apologize to the group for not making it clear that Peter had to be a boy. Also ask how she might ensure that the girls wouldn’t be disappointed in the future when she casts her funky little show (I do not like her.) Regardless of what Ms. J does next or if you choose not to confront her (I would not like that), affirm Peyton’s feeling and acknowledge that her teacher made a mistake. You can do that without letting her know how much we feel this woman sucks. Just explain that even teachers get things wrong sometimes. Ask her how the boy who was cast would feel if the role was taken away from him, and encourage her to embrace being Peter’s sister. If she’s got limited stage experience, talk about how fun it will be and how proud you will be of her for doing it. Point out that no matter what, multiple kids were going to be disappointed because there’s only one Peter. Finally, let your daughter know that many famous actors didn’t get the big parts they may have wanted when they first started but they kept trying. If acting is something she has any interest in, this is still a great opportunity for her. —Jamilah More Parenting Advice From Slate My 18-month-old son has developed a deep, deep love of the vacuum cleaner. He loves to watch Daddy vacuum. He loves to watch Mommy vacuum. He loves to push buttons on the unplugged vacuum and push the unplugged vacuum across the floor. He does not accept toy vacuums or DustBusters. Those are inferior products and he is no fool. He has recently broken out in extreme hives, and his doctor suspects the vacuum to be the culprit. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids