The Kinks Therapists Say Couples Are Most Curious About Right Now

While it’s sort of understood in the sex world that the 50 Shades of Grey franchise wasn’t exactly the best depiction of kink, the books and movies were successful at one thing (well, besides making money): sparking an interest in BDSM. Sex toy sales surged following movie premieres, customers were purchasing handcuffs and flogs, and more people than ever were going to the hospital with foreign objects shoved inside them. It wasn’t hard to figure out what people were exploring between the sheets.A decade later, things are bound to change. And sure, PornHub’s Year in Review can give you a good idea on what people are jerking off to when they’re alone, but it doesn’t tell the full story on what couples are exploring together in bed. For that, your best bet is a sex therapist.While sex therapists help couples explore issues within their sex life, they also give them the resources to navigate new experiences (because you should never surprise someone with handcuffs). Trying something new with a partner can feel pretty daunting, so some couples seek out the help of a professional to guide them through conversations, boundaries, and general how-tos.I asked some trusted sex and couples therapists what kinks couples are most curious about right now—here’s what they said.Role PlayWhether it’s the Uber driver and passenger, masseuse and client, or doctor and patient, Yuki Shida, LMFT, tells Cosmopolitan that couples are looking to blur the lines of reality and fantasy. “Facing the uncertainty and instability in the world outside the bedroom has caused couples to turn towards structured play in sex as a way to regulate real-world stress,” Shida says. Understandable. It’s 100 degrees outside, people can’t afford their groceries, and AI is taking over our jobs—escaping reality sounds pretty good.But Shida says the fantasy is also about being curious about chosen roles. Maybe one partner is more dominant in the relationship and wants to role play as the opposite, or vice versa. Role play allows them to drop all of the responsibilities that come along with being themselves, and try on someone else’s shoes for a change.Role play takes a lot of planning, but it’s not about the script so much as feeling comfortable—especially if someone “makes a mistake” or feels awkward.“The couple is still learning this dance and there may be some missteps at times,” she says. “It’s important to have a sense of humor and lightness; otherwise it’s not play.”Praise Sure, you may like a compliment here and there, but, for some people, getting praised is a huge turn on.“At its core, praise kink involves experiencing arousal, excitement, or emotional fulfillment from receiving affirming, encouraging, or validating words during intimacy,” sex therapist Claudia Johnson, LMFT, says. This could sound like: "You're doing such a good job," "You look incredible," "I love watching you enjoy yourself," or "I'm so proud of you."Johnson explains that it’s no surprise that a praise kink would be popular among couples today. Everyone’s burnt out, stressed, and dealing with constant emotions of insecurity and low self-worth. Praise can offer something new to them.“It creates an intentional space where someone feels seen, appreciated, desired, and accepted. For many people, that's incredibly vulnerable and deeply healing,” she says.And while you might assume it’s an easy thing to just start doing, couples may feel awkward or forced when they jump to trying out praise in bed. This is why Johnson suggests couples start outside of the bedroom and discuss what affirmations feel good to them and what they’re looking for from their partner. It could be as simple as saying “you look so confident” as they’re passing by.She explains that it’s important to get to a place where the praise feels natural and of course genuine.“The goal of introducing praise into your sex life isn’t to butter your partner up,” she says. “It’s to create a safe and secure environment for your partner to feel comfortable hearing you compliment them, desire them, and reaffirm that what you’re both doing is okay.”SpankingYou might think that something as “simple” as spanking wouldn’t take much conversation, but Dr. Tenille Richardson-Quamina, LCSW, says that how one person imagines spanking may look very different from their partner’s fantasy. This is why she’ll ask a couple to describe what the act looks like to them and what they’re looking to get out of it.“Many clients are surprised to find that these talks are rarely about causing pain,” she says. “They're usually about trust, excitement, feeling wanted, emotional safety, or becoming a different version of themselves in a safe, consensual relationship.”Add Cosmopolitan as a preferred source in your Google search results.Use your Google account to add this to your settings.Are they interested in using a paddle? The strands of a cattail? Or maybe just their partner’s hands? Dr. Richardson-Quamina will have clients work through each of their five senses in the context of spanking—this will usually help her determine how to guide them through the actual kink (if they choose to actually implement it into their sex lives).“They find that spanking creates anticipation, emotional closeness, or a fantasy they both enjoy.”Foot Play People—especially men—are really into feet these days, sex therapist Jenifer Smith says. Whether it’s wanting their partners to wear certain kinds of shoes, get specific pedicures (yes, including the length of their toenails), or even just wanting them to dangle their shoes off their feet, couples are exploring foot fetishes a lot more often lately.“Foot kinks and fetishes have been normalized in different kink spaces, especially because they’ve become more mainstream,” Smith says. “The men are very forward with it and will tell their partners intentionally about what they like.”And their partners have been pretty receptive to it, Smith says. “Mostly because they get something out of it, whether it’s being showered in shoes, having their feet tended to the way they like, nightly foot massages, or even feet worship.”The only resistance she really sees in clients is when their partners are interested in foot jobs. Some will come to a place where they both feel comfortable moving forward with the act, but she’s seen a lot of hesitation with women.“Sometimes it’s just too much work and doesn’t give them much pleasure themselves,” she says.Rope PlayNikita Fernandes, LMHC, tells Cosmo that couples really want to tie each other up nowadays. Whether that’s Shibari—a Japanese style of decorative rope tying—or just using ropes to get the job done, couples are interested in the artistry and sensuality behind the kink.“Rope can look different for different people,” Fernandes says. “Through guidance, they’ll be able to find what specifically works for them within rope.”When a couple comes to Fernandes and asks about rope play, she encourages them to connect with rope communities around them. These are a lot easier to find these days since rope is particularly popular at the moment.“It’s a kink that can be very interesting and challenging to learn for couples,” she explains. “It also gives them a variety of ways to engage in a kink that doesn’t have to be sexual.” Plus, with the state of the economy, it’s helpful that you can participate in the kink without shelling out a lot of money—you can always find some pretty cheap rope.Fernandes is just always sure to remind couples of the risk that comes with rope play.“Nerve damage is a very real consequence and it’s important for couples to just be aware of their own risk level in their bodies before pursuing rope,” she says.Sensory PlayWe may be in a post-50 Shades era, but that doesn’t mean sensory play has left the chat. Smith says that sensory play has become increasingly popular among couples. Whether that’s temperature play or a melange of different toys, people are looking to move away from their mind and more into their bodies.Smith says that heightened stress seems to be a reason more couples are dabbling in sensory play. In fact, she’s used the kink as a sense of grounding and soothing for some clients who also deal with anxiety, depression, and even PTSD.“I’ve given clients ice packs or encouraged them to go outside in the sun to warm up their bodies,” Smith says. “In kink space, it’s no different.”She explains certain temperature changes can enhance stimulation to nipples or genitalia, depending on the circumstances.But like any kink, sensory play takes a lot of conversations about boundaries and consent. Smith says she asks clients to explore what they want to get out of the play—both sensation-wise and emotionally. Once that conversation has been had, it becomes fun to explore what sensations feel good. Essentially, it’s all trial and error.