The Guy I’m Seeing Is the Best I’ve Ever Had in Bed. But the Catch Has Become Impossible to Ignore.

How to Do It I want more than this. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous! Dear How to Do It, My guy friend and I don’t have a label for what we are, which is OK with me. If I had to put one on us, it would be friends with benefits or lovers. I once truly loved and cared for him very much and know he felt the same for me. For reasons I won’t get into, we can’t be together in a traditional relationship like before. After we broke up the last and final time, we had a long talk about how our friendship is very important, and we don’t ever want to let that die. However, lately, I’m craving more. I want a partner who can stay the night, take weekend trips, and doesn’t have to be worried someone will see us together. We used to have that. While we are both generous, caring, and giving to each other intimately, it isn’t enough for me. And I don’t know how to have this talk or even want to. We live out most of our mutual fantasies and desires in respectful, consensual, and loving ways. Then he goes home. I’ve never had a partner who actually puts my needs and wants first as he does. I feel as though if I end things, I’ll hurt him, and I don’t want to do that. What do you think I should do? —Torn Dear Torn, Nothing’s right, and you’re torn, but you’ve had an active role in designing your own predicament. You once had a romantic relationship with this guy, but something intervened. You can’t be together now, so together you have negotiated what’s possible: a situationship. A dynamic based in emotion that has been conceived to reduce baggage. You aren’t telling us why you can’t be together. Spitballing, I think this is because one or both of you are in a supposedly monogamous relationship with someone else, and so you have to steal the moments you have together (and you didn’t want to admit this so as not to have your letter dismissed outright). If that’s the case, it’s suitcase-popped-open-on-the-carousel levels of messy. You’re doing what you can to contain it. But you yearn for more. You’re in limbo. If I can belabor the travel metaphor one more time, your relationship is just sitting on the tarmac. And you’re unsatisfied. You said it yourself: “It isn’t enough for me.” What you want—“a partner who can stay the night, take weekend trips, and not have to be worried someone will see us together”—is by necessity impossible in this arrangement. You either stick with something that is only giving you a fraction of what you actually want out of loyalty and so as not to hurt this guy’s feelings, or you tell him that you can’t do this anymore. I believe over is where this is headed anyway, and the longer you wait, the more disappointed you’ll be in yourself for hanging onto this for so long when it does meet its inevitable end. At minimum, have the conversation. Stop waiting by the door in your parachute and launch yourself into the sky. The scariest part of jumping is before the jump. (Sorry, I couldn’t resist using it one more time.) Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear How to Do It, I’m an assigned female at birth agender person with virtually no libido until now. My previous relationships were all with males, all at least borderline abusive and not remotely enjoyable. Now I have met a female who rocks my world. She’s romantic and gentle. We’re planning to spend a weekend together, and I’m super excited but scared to death. I have no idea how to touch another person sexually. I’m afraid I’ll either let her do all the work or do everything wrong. And no, I do not have any natural impulse toward touching, so instinct is not gonna take over. How can I learn to participate in making out in, say, a week? —Frozen Dear Frozen, Now I feel like I’m the one who’s under the wire! I do hope this gets to you in time. When it comes to sexual expression, there really isn’t a “wrong” provided that your behavior is predicated on consent, and respect for and consideration of your partner. Letting this woman who rocks your world do “all” the work might not be such a bad thing, at least at first. If she can lead, you can mirror. Some version of this happens when even the most seasoned of us connect with new people. When your mouths meet, you can intuit the way they like to be kissed by the way they kiss. If they go easy on the tongue, it is safe to assume that they would prefer you do the same. If they start grazing your nipples, there’s a good chance they’d like to have that done back. You can gauge the pace and intensity at which people like to go from what they put out. You don’t have to rely on physical cues, though. You can literally ask her, “How do you like/want to be touched?” For your sake, it might be worth a preliminary conversation in which you talk about your trepidation and your lack of natural impulse for touching. If you are so inclined, you can let her know about your dissatisfying sexual history and why you think it will be different with her. Request patience. If she is so inclined and you can be comfortable with it, allow her to take charge and do the work. Let yourself be vulnerable. If you want a model for sensuality, you could watch some ethical porn, like the kind made by Erika Lust (site NSFW). Just know that this is something everyone is making up as they go along, and you have plenty of agency to do as you please with no obligation to do anything that doesn’t please you. If your partner is an enthusiastic collaborator when she learns of your inexperience and fear, that’s a great sign for your shared future. Share Your Story With How to Do It! Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point our How to Do It writers make, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each month, Jessica and Rich will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers. Write to us! Dear How to Do It, I am a 45-year-old woman who feels broken. I have a very high sex drive when I’m in a relationship. The problem is I’ve not felt a spark—those butterflies you get when you meet someone you hit it off with—in a very long time. It’s been about 10 years. I still find people attractive; I still get turned on sexually, but I haven’t felt instantaneous heat with anyone for a very long time. I’ve also met plenty of people who were very into me, but the feeling wasn’t mutual. I’ve had a few short-term relationships with people I wasn’t initially sparkling with, but could see myself becoming attracted to. Unfortunately, because of varying extenuating circumstances, they didn’t work out: namely relocation and differing principles. But while they didn’t work out long-term, an ember grew, and about two weeks in, it did become sexual and a fire was there. The problem is, I miss that spark, I want that spark, and I want to stop feeling broken. Am I broken? Is there a way to know? What can I do to get it back or figure it out? —Flickering Ember Dear Flickering Ember, You are not broken. Granted, I don’t like that terminology, but if your desire completely dried up, you still wouldn’t be broken. You would either accept that as where you were, or you’d do something to remedy it. And even by your own definition, you are not “broken.” You’ve seen that you need a connection in order to feel the kind of spark that you crave, and you’ve even found people who have helped you get to a place of sexual heat. It didn’t work out because of circumstance, not because of you or your wiring. Do yourself a favor and do some reading on demisexuality (you’ll find the subreddit dedicated to it here). It’s a term used to describe people who find themselves attracted to others only after an emotional connection is established. These people aren’t broken; they just have a specific pattern of responses. You may relate or even end up identifying this way. I understand that some of your frustration comes from apparent changes here; the spark used to come easier, it seems. You may be experiencing a libido shift from perimenopause, if you’re in fact going through it, for which hormone replacement therapy or a drug like Addyi (which specifically treats hypoactive sexual desire disorder, or persistent lack of desire) may be useful. But you may find that accepting where, how, and who you are is treatment enough. —Rich More Advice From Slate I’m a mid-30s female and I’ve been with my boyfriend for about a year in a long-distance relationship. We’ve decided to carry out our threesome fantasy with another female, and he found a unicorn where he lives. Is it normal for him to meet her out to get to know her without me? Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Sex