The Charity My Mom Founded Disrespected Her in the Worst Way. They’re Going to Regret It.

Pay Dirt Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Pay Dirt, My parent’s didn’t start out with much, tail end depression era babies and their parents were poor. Due to hard work and a little bit of luck they became quite successful and sold their business a number of years ago when my dad became ill. He passed away shortly after they sold the business. Much of this money went into a charitable trust in my family’s name. My mom passed away earlier this year and I became the sole trustee of this trust deciding on distributions. My mom gave to multiple charities and her “pet” charity was a local family shelter where a parent (either sex) could come with their children to get out of a bad situation at home. She was a founding member, long time board member, and one of the houses was named after her. At my mom’s funeral we received cards, flowers, donations, etc.. from many of the people and organizations she helped with representatives from some of these groups attending. The shelter she helped start and very graciously had given so much money to over the years? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. They knew of the funeral because I ran into a board member and he said (after expressing sympathy for my loss) that none of them were able to attend the funeral because they were at a board member “retreat” that week so they weren’t around. So… a staff member couldn’t attend? Card couldn’t be sent? Flowers ordered? Then what has me really wound up is the supposedly “perpetual” need of donations to help with this program and money is being spent on retreats. I verified this by asking to see the budget and monthly income/expense numbers. They didn’t want to let me see it, but I told them that as my family’s trust is a major contributor I had the right to see it, so they relented. With the end of the year coming up I am going through the list of who we currently make donations to, and consider new requests. I have decided to no longer make the (large) donation to the charity my mom founded. I am sure they think it is a “guaranteed” donation like in previous years. Do I give them a heads up that no money will be forthcoming this year from the trust so they can budget accordingly? Or let the chips fall where they may and if and when they call asking about the lack of a donation give them an earful about their actions and expenses that I don’t approve of? —No Money for You Dear No Money for You, I think it is fair to let this charity know that your giving priorities have changed. If they ask why, you can then discuss your reasons, including some of the line items on the budget and how hurt you were that your mother’s passing went unnoticed by the board after helping start the shelter and years of time and treasure. Still, giving them “an earful,” won’t assuage the feeling you have that your parents’ money has been squandered on things you believe are wasteful, such as retreats, instead of helping those in need. While I understand the need for board retreats, primarily so that board members (who are typically not paid for the work they do on a nonprofit board) can gather in person and discuss issues at length, there are more and less costly ways to do that work. Is there anything they can do to change your mind? If so, prepare a list of asks and be prepared to dig in while they discuss whether they want to (or even are able to) implement those changes. If you’re done, say no and let the chips fall where they may. Helping to fund a safe place for parents and children at risk is still a worthy endeavor, however, and there are plenty of similar nonprofits that could use your help. In choosing a nonprofit to support, you can access a site like Charity Navigator, which rates charities based on accountability and finance, impact and measurement, leadership and planning, and culture and compensation. You can also access a non-profit’s 990 forms, which are public information, filed with the IRS, and available for free through Charity Navigator, ProPublica’s Nonprofit Explorer or GuideStar. That would allow you to continue your mother’s legacy with an organization worthy of the dollars you provide. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Pay Dirt, How do you figure out how quickly to refill an emergency fund? Over the past 20 years, I’ve typically kept anywhere from six-to-nine months of typical expenses in an emergency fund. I recently actually had such an emergency, and that knocked my emergency fund down to more like two-to-three months of normal expenses left. Obviously, now I need to restock the fund. But how do I figure out how quickly to do so? Trimming back on my normal living expenses would only free up so much, since I already live a pretty low-cost life. As such, it would take a while to replenish, maybe around a year. But I invest a very high percentage of my income for my future—more than 30 percent of my salary, if you include my employer match and all my different account types—so I could get there a lot faster by scaling back my investments for a while. If I dropped down to only investing enough to get my employer match, I could probably be back to six months worth of an emergency fund in half the time. If it’s relevant, about 75 percent of my investments are in retirement accouns, and the rest is in a normal brokerage account, which means that money—several times my annual salary, let alone my normal spending—could be accessed without penalty if another emergency arose before I had refilled my normal emergency savings. That part makes me wonder whether I’m putting too much emphasis on having enough in a checking or savings account, since in some ways my brokerage account could operate as an emergency fund if push came to shove. I know I’m in a relatively privileged position weighing these approaches. But I feel like I’m operating without a clear road map and could use some guidance. —Financial Order of Operations? Dear Financial Order of Operations, I’m happy to report you don’t have an emergency fund problem. You have a labeling issue. If you’ve already saved several times your annual income in an account you can access within three days, that is an emergency fund—just called by another name. If you’re saving more than 30 percent of your salary, and have for years, I’d be hard-pressed to come up with an emergency you couldn’t cover right off the bat. But, what would be an emergency where you couldn’t use a credit card and pay that off two or three weeks later? Someone in your position could reasonably charge a medical procedure, car repair, water heater replacement, or even a roof repair and pay it off after you moved money around. What you can’t do is cover a job loss with a credit card, but keeping a couple of months’ worth of expenses in cash will tide you over until you can sell assets and transfer money. If the cash is in a brokerage account, I understand that when you sell, he timing might not be optimal. Fair, but those invested assets are hopefully bringing you far more in return than if you left the cash in a checking account. I don’t think you’re giving yourself enough credit for the sophisticated way you’re managing your money and investments (it’s the way I’ve been doing it for years): Save as much as you can, invest it as wisely as possible for the highest possible return, and liquidate when the need arises. Keep going and don’t worry so much about what the accounts are called. You’re doing great! —Ilyce Classic Prudie My husband of four years and I have an open relationship and date people separately. Lately, he has been fairly successful in dating, whereas I have not. I am happy for him, but I also feel jealous and angry that I am not having similar results. To compound things, our sex life has dwindled. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. 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