The Best Questions to Ask Before Sleeping With Someone New

When you start seeing someone new, everything feels fresh and fun. Drinks turn into dinner, dinner turns into a nightcap, and suddenly it's 2 a.m., and you're still talking, high on the fuzzy feelings of closeness with someone who was just another stranger to you just weeks, days, sometimes hours ago. The momentum keeps building, every secret shared pulling you closer and closer.At this point, it’s tempting to let that energy carry you straight through to the bedroom, no questions asked. Talking specifics can seem like it could kill the mood, so a lot of people just... don't.But according to sex and relationship experts, the pre-sex conversation isn't just a practical necessity, but a pleasurable one, too.“People think just because they have chemistry that it's just going to all work in bed, and that's not true,” says Joe Kort, a sex and relationship therapist and founder of The Center for Relationship Health in Michigan. “You might have chemistry and be attracted to each other, but you need communication. It's the only way you're going to know whether you’re going to be good in bed together.”Getting on the same page with a new partner before you jump into bed together is part of getting enthusiastic consent (a necessary part of any sexual encounter, new or not), and it doesn’t have to be clinical, awkward, or even a whole big thing. If every other conversation with this person has felt fun and sexy, there's no reason this one can't too.Here are the questions experts say are actually worth asking before you sleep with someone new, why it matters, and how to bring it up in the least cringe way possible.Before Sex, Stop and Take a B.R.E.A.T.H.Dr. Cat Meyer, PsyD, LMFT, and a sex and relationship expert, teaches her clients an acronym to help them remember to cover all the essential bases before the clothes come off.B is for BoundariesWhat limits do each of you have? Do you have any sensitive areas of the body or favorite and least favorite types of touch? Are you interested in just making out, sans any form of penetration? Even time constraints are an important factor to consider. If you need to leave in the next 30 minutes or hour, it’s important to give your partner a heads up before you get hot and heavy.Kort agrees that asking about what’s off limits is one of the most important questions to ask out loud.“What's okay, what's not okay? Do you make noises? Is it okay to make noises? A lot of people think this ruins the moment, but the truth is, not talking about these things ruins the moment.”R is for RelationshipsAre either of you seeing other people, and, if so, does anyone else consider themselves to be in a relationship with either of you? If you watched the latest season of Summer House, you understand why this question shouldn’t be assumed. For those who are practicing any form of non-monogamy, this is your chance to share about your existing arrangement and how you’ll continue to honor them with a new partner.E is for ExpectationsIs this casual? A one-time hookup? Are you hoping to keep dating, and if it goes well, eventually land in a monogamous relationship? Basically, where are we going with this? Both people need to understand where the other person’s head is at if you want to avoid any hurt feelings later.A is for AftercareWhat do you need once it’s over? Some people like to cuddle after sex. Others need their space. Do you typically want to shower immediately after sex, or do you get hungry for a snack? Do you plan on staying the night at your new partner’s house, or do you prefer to sleep in your own bed?Add Cosmopolitan as a preferred source in your Google search results.Use your Google account to add this to your settings.According to Kort, these are questions that almost nobody talks about, but the post-sex connection piece is an important part of the pre-sex conversation.T is for TestsThis is a big one: STI testing and contraception are two topics that no one should gloss over. Both partners should share when they were last tested and what birth control method(s) they prefer to use—ideally before you’re both naked and too turned on to think straight. And yes, this is your reminder that condoms are generally a good idea any time you’re sleeping with someone new.Dr. Meyer adds that this is also the moment to ask about substance use, if you sense that maybe your partner is on something stronger than the drinks you’re sharing. No one needs to call the cops or alert the media if the answer is yes, but substance use does factor into whether or not someone is in a state to give consent. So if there’s any doubt, ask if they’re on substances and if so, how much.H is for HopesWhat are you curious about doing in bed? What turns you on? What's a definite turnoff? You can also take this opportunity to talk about your sexual history as it relates to your hopes and desires for this encounter. What has the quality of your past experience been like? What’s been positive with past partners? What’s been negative?Dr. Meyer says it's fine to keep this part relatively broad before a first hookup. Kinks, fantasies, fetishes, and more specific desires tend to surface naturally as your connection and intimacy deepens over time.So before things escalate, remember to take a B.R.E.A.T.H. It doesn’t have to happen all in a single conversation, one question after another. This isn’t a job interview. But it is an experience that you’re both engaging in, and you want it to be a positive experience for both people. According to Dr. Meyer, the payoff is real: when there's clarity going in, people relax, and that has a direct effect on arousal. Without it, she says, bodies tend to unconsciously guard or clench instead of opening up.How to Bring It All Up These are intimate questions, so timing matters. Kort suggests waiting until at least the second date to get into specifics, even though plenty of people sleep together on the first. If it's date one, he suggests planting a seed instead. Something like, “I hope that if this goes somewhere and we end up spending time together that way, we could talk about it a little first.”He recommends reframing the conversation as its own kind of foreplay. “Consider it like you're starting to have something to look forward to. It's like when people make reservations for a nice restaurant, or plans for a fun trip—they want to talk about it, they want to think about it. You're edging toward it.”Both experts agree in-person is ideal, since it lets you read each other and stay present and responsive in the conversation without distractions. But texting isn’t a dealbreaker if you’re on the shy side.Dr. Meyer believes that the setting matters more than the medium, which is why she recommends asking your questions in a non-sexual environment like over dinner or on the couch, rather than once you’ve made it to the bedroom. “There's a lot of pressure there, and it can be harder to initiate,” she says.If you’re feeling shy about being the one to bring it up first, both experts suggest naming the feeling directly. Kort recommends something along the lines of, “I don't want to seem like I'm easy, but I also may want to spend time with you sexually, so I'd like to talk about it first. Are you okay with that?”Dr. Meyer suggests framing it as a declaration of intent. You could say, “I’d love to just take a breath and check in. I'm wanting to create something that's open, exploratory, and safe, so I'd love to get clear about what we'd both like.”It might feel vulnerable at first, but answering where you stand before you ask your partner can actually help instill a sense of inner power—one that can be very attractive to a partner.“When you're clear about what you're available for, what you're curious about, that helps with confidence. If you wait for the other person to answer first, you can end up basing your own desires off of theirs instead.”And if a partner tries to shut down the conversation before it even begins? Kort says it's worth pushing back gently rather than dropping it by saying something like, “I'm gonna need to be able to talk about this a little bit before we do anything. I hear you trying to shut it down, but I can't go through something with it being shut down like this. I need a little bit of conversation to move forward.”If bringing up these questions alienates a potential partner, consider that your sign that something is off and this may not be a person you want to share a bed with. According to Dr. Meyer, these conversations tend to make people feel closer, and signal a level of maturity and safety that makes someone worth opening up to in the first place. “It reveals a lot about the person.”