The ‘backhanded’ compliment that’s an instant mood killer in the bedroom

People can have a negative response to this seemingly innocent phrase (Picture: Getty Images) Talking during sex: Hot or an instant mood killer? Some people will want to be talked through it, but for others it might really depend on what’s being said, as the choice of words can make all the difference. There are obvious phrases you’ll never want to hear your partner say in the bedroom; but even seemingly innocent comments can hurt the mood. We recently heard how a common question posed by men during the act can squash an orgasm, sending women ‘into their heads’ (it’s ‘are you going to come soon?’ in case you were wondering). And now people have highlighted another simple phrase that can have a similar impact. It can kill the mood (Picture: Getty Images/Westend61) Ask Metro Use AI to go deeper into the stories you care about – powered by Metro and trusted publications. In a recent post on Reddit, people were asked to share the worst possible sentence someone could say during sex. Naturally, the thread was filled with silly responses, but one reply really resonated with users, garnering more than 2,300 upvotes. The sentence? I like that you like it. Sign up to The Hook-Up, Metro's sex and dating newsletter Love reading juicy stories like this? Need some tips for how to spice things up in the bedroom? Sign up to The Hook-Up and we'll slide into your inbox every week with all the latest sex and dating stories from Metro. We can't wait for you to join us! It seems harmless enough, getting enjoyment out of another’s pleasure, but according to the comments on the post, many view it as a ‘backhanded’ compliment. A Reddit user known as u/thesteelreserve wrote: ‘It’s a bit…backhanded. It’s like they’re saying “I care about you and the things you like” and “I don’t actually think this is hot, not into it” simultaneously.’ While u/xTrainerRedx shared: ‘Heard that one many times when trying to make my girlfriend feel good. Could be kissing her neck or giving oral. That response cut deep each time. ‘When I’d ask what she liked so I could do anything to please her and make her feel good: “I don’t know. I don’t really know my own body.”’ And u/New_lie_3554 commented: ‘Great sentence actually when it’s about a practice you like in bed. Horrible one when it’s meant in general for sex.’ The sentence takes people out of the moment and into their heads (Picture: Getty Images/Westend61) Why can it ruin the moment? Psychosexual and relationship therapist, Kayte Callaghan, tells Metro that the phrase isn’t ‘automatically bad’, but agrees it can ruin the moment. ‘If someone hears, “I like that you like it”, they may start wondering if their partner is actually enjoying it. That can quickly take them out of the moment and into their head, making it harder to stay connected to their own pleasure,’ she says. ‘Many people genuinely find their partner’s pleasure arousing, and for some, giving pleasure is what helps them relax and enjoy themselves. The important question is whether it’s coming from genuine enjoyment or from feeling pressure to perform or prove something.’ So, how do you work out which one it is? Hannah Jackson-McCamley, a BACP-registered psychotherapist who specialises in identity, sex and relationships, says it depends on the wider context of the relationship. ‘Where you should watch out is if comments like this are representative of a wider passivity in the relationship, where one partner cannot articulate their needs or desires perhaps because of the power dynamic inherent to the couple, conflict avoidance, low self-worth or even a trauma response of freeze or fawn,’ Hannah warns. ‘If there is a sense that this is happening or the act is not actually consensual, this needs to be confronted with an open mind and a gentle heart so that each person can ensure that they feel safe. Safety is key to good sex!’ Embrace the Freudenfreude ‘Joy in another person’s pleasure is known as freudenfreude, and a comment such as “I like that you like it” is indicative of that, assuming everyone involved is consenting, honest and authentic in that moment,’ says Hannah. ‘There can be something genuinely arousing about seeing a sexual partner enjoying themselves and for some, may enhance feelings of connection and arousal. ‘This is a form of sexual gratification that leaves ego at the door, moving away from performance-focused sex where the end goal is just an orgasm, but towards a mutually fulfilling experience.’ How do we openly share our needs and desires? Ironically, Hannah notes that talking during sex isn’t the best place to address any issues in the bedroom. ‘Despite sex being a pretty popular activity and intrinsic to our very existence, sex as a talking subject is loaded for a lot of people. Therefore, communication about it needs to start slow. Conversations need to be respectful so that when needs and desires are expressed, we are at our most receptive to consider, discuss and negotiate. ‘Think about location and timing. The place where we usually invest our sexual energy is not the best place to talk, as it may add pressure and expectation to the conversation.’ The expert advises against having the conversation if either one of you is tired or stressed, as this can lead to negative emotional arousal and defensiveness. Her top tip is to schedule a conversation at a time and place you both feel secure and comfortable. Start with just five minutes of talking and go from there. Use ‘I’ statements such as ‘I like it when you’, rather than saying ‘you make me feel’ and be clear in what you would like, taking responsibility for your own actions. ‘Talking doesn’t mean you are entitled to getting your needs met or desires fulfilled, and it may take time to reach a point when everyone is super satisfied. But communication is at the heart of good sex, so let each other know what you like,’ Hannah adds. ‘As confidence around the subject grows, the conversations may become more flirtatious and playful. But even when we’re feeling assured, check in, care and stay curious about what you and your lover enjoy.’ And even after all of this, your partner may still tell you that they ‘like that you like it’, but at least then you’ll know their response is honest and authentic. Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@metro.co.uk Deals of the Day Parents can save up to 30% on Kickers school shoes ahead of the new term The back-to-school hack that's helping parents avoid queues and sold-out sizes Could your hair be wavy rather than straight? This brand thinks so Could your star sign improve your skincare routine? This new beauty launch thinks so Best skincare for menopausal skin? This dermatologist-created treatment is tailored to you Arrow MORE: I’m menopausal and horny — so I’m having an affair with a 33-year-old Arrow MORE: This is the exact number of bridesmaids you should have at your wedding Arrow MORE: Kate Garraway ‘devastated’ by reaction to boyfriend Liam Halligan after Derek Draper heartbreak The Hook Up Metro's hottest newsletter, with juicy stories and tips for spicing things up in the bedroom. 18+