The 4 Attachment Styles, Explained by Relationship Experts

If you’ve ever wondered why you’re perfectly chill when someone you’re dating takes three hours to text back while your best friend is already drafting a “so I guess you hate me?” follow-up after 20 minutes, attachment styles might have something to do with it. Or maybe you’re the one who starts feeling vaguely trapped the second someone gets a little too close. Also potentially an attachment thing!Basically, attachment styles describe some of the ways we navigate emotional connections with other people. “Attachment theory sheds light on how humans form and maintain emotional bonds,” explains relationship and EMDR therapist Ashley Starwood, LCSW. The theory, originally developed by psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, suggests that our earliest relationships with parents or caregivers can influence how we approach relationships later in life.There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized (also known as fearful-avoidant). And while figuring out yours might explain a thing or two about why you act the way you do when feelings get involved, it’s not a diagnosis or some permanent relationship fate you’re stuck with forever. You can even experience different attachment patterns with different people.So, yes, there may actually be a reason you’re drawn to people who make you want to throw your phone into the ocean. Ahead, experts break down what each attachment style means, where it comes from, how it can affect your relationships, and whether you can change yours.How Are Attachment Styles Formed?Attachment styles are largely shaped by early childhood experiences. “Your parents’ ability to be attuned to your needs and be emotionally safe caregivers greatly impacts your ability to build secure attachment,” says Morgan Anderson, PsyD, an attachment theory expert and author of Love Magnet. For example, caregivers who consistently and compassionately meet their child’s needs can help foster a sense of trust. “Conversely, inconsistent, neglectful, or even abusive caregiving can create feelings of insecurity, anxiety, or fear in the child,” adds Starwood.But your parents or caregivers aren’t the only relationships that can shape your attachment patterns. Anderson says early non-familial relationships can play a role, too, and experiences later in life can also affect how you approach relationships. According to eharmony’s September 2023 Dating Diaries report, for example, 84 percent of Gen Z singles said past heartbreaks had made them “more cautious” about relationships, while 72 percent said they’d become “less trusting,” notes eharmony relationship expert Laurel House.Your attachment style isn’t necessarily identical in every relationship, either. You might feel more secure with some people and more anxious, avoidant, or fearful-avoidant with others. Your partner’s attachment style can influence the dynamic between you, as can your current circumstances and feelings of self-worth.Secure AttachmentAs the name suggests, someone with a secure attachment style generally feels, well, secure in forming and maintaining healthy relationships. They tend to value closeness in their relationships, Anderson explains, but also know how to set healthy boundaries and communicate their needs effectively. “In securely-attached relationships, partners experience ‘interdependence,’ meaning they are able to practice self-soothing simultaneously and can also ask their partner for support and reassurance,” she says.How it’s formed: House says caregivers who are consistently present and responsive to their child’s needs within the first year of life and beyond can help foster secure attachment.Anxious AttachmentWhile someone with an anxious attachment style may crave closeness with their partner, Starwood says they often have a deep-seated fear of abandonment and rejection. They may frequently seek reassurance from their partners but struggle to actually believe or internalize it when they get it.“With anxious attachment, there is often coping through excessive communication, becoming a ‘chameleon’ in your relationships, passive expression of needs, and even codependency,” Anderson explains. “Unconsciously, the anxiously attached person is thinking, I will do anything not to be abandoned.”How it’s formed: “Emotionally inconsistent and unpredictable caregivers contribute to creating adults with anxious relationships,” says House. Parents who are sometimes available and sometimes distant can lead to children (and eventually, adults) who feel anxious about future connections.Avoidant AttachmentThink of avoidant attachment as pretty much the polar opposite of anxious attachment. Instead of craving constant reassurance, someone with an avoidant attachment style tends to value hyper-independence and may feel uncomfortable with closeness. “If you have an avoidant attachment style, you struggle to be vulnerable in your relationships and may find yourself pulling away from people,” Anderson explains. “Avoidantly-attached individuals still crave intimacy, but their fear of it outweighs their desire to be close. There is often a lack of emotional awareness with avoidant attachment, meaning these individuals are not connected to their own emotional experience, which in turn makes it nearly impossible for them to connect to the emotional experience of others.”How it’s formed: Dismissive, disconnected, or distant caregiving can contribute to avoidant attachment, House says. When children’s emotional needs aren’t consistently met within their relationships, they may learn to rely primarily on themselves.Disorganized AttachmentThe final attachment style is disorganized, also known as fearful-avoidant (FA), and according to Anderson, it’s often linked to childhood trauma. “An individual with an FA attachment style experiences both anxious and avoidant strategies simultaneously,” she says. “This can manifest as a pendulum swinging from fear of abandonment to desiring complete independence. Those with a fearful-avoidant attachment style have a hard time trusting anyone and struggle to form lasting relationships.”How it’s formed: Disorganized attachment can develop in highly unpredictable or abusive environments. “Fearful-avoidant attachment is characterized by inconsistent or unpredictable caregiving experiences,” Starwood explains. “It involves a mix of behaviors, where a child might seek closeness but then become withdrawn or fearful, reflecting the instability they experience at home.”How to Figure Out Your Attachment StyleMaybe one of those descriptions just gave you a major lightbulb moment. Or maybe you read all four and are still sitting here like, okay, but which one am I? If you’re not sure, Starwood suggests reflecting on your childhood, experiences with caregivers, and past relationships, paying attention to how each may have affected your sense of security and trust.There are also online tests that can help you explore your attachment style. You can try this attachment style quiz from the Attachment Project or Anderson’s five-minute attachment style questionnaire. Whichever you take, Starwood stresses that the results should be considered a starting point rather than a definitive answer.“A psychotherapist can provide a more in-depth assessment of your attachment style using standardized tools and clinical interviews,” she says. “This can be particularly helpful if you're interested in a deeper understanding of your attachment patterns and how they might impact your relationships.”How to Change Your Attachment StyleGood news: Your attachment style isn’t set in stone. Even if certain patterns have been with you since childhood, it’s possible to develop healthier, more secure ways of relating to other people. The first step, Anderson says, is understanding the patterns you tend to fall into. “It starts with awareness, followed by actively releasing outdated patterns through emotional regulation and secure relationship skills like assertive communication and setting boundaries.”Therapy can also help, says Starwood, especially if you’re trying to understand where certain patterns come from and develop new ways of responding to them. Depending on what you’re working through, that might mean learning to communicate your needs more directly, set boundaries, regulate difficult emotions, or feel more comfortable with intimacy.And don’t expect your attachment patterns to change overnight. “Celebrate your progress, no matter how small, and be patient with yourself,” Starwood says. Becoming more secure is less about suddenly transforming into a completely different person and more about noticing old patterns and gradually learning how to respond differently.Ultimately, knowing your attachment style isn’t about putting yourself into a box. It’s about understanding yourself—and your relationships—a little better, then deciding what, if anything, you’d like to do differently going forward.