Ten Years Ago, My Nanny Ruined One of the Most Special Days of My Life. I Can Never Forgive Her.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Tom Merton/OJO Images via Getty Images Plus. Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so today we’re diving into the archives of Care and Feeding to share classic parenting letters with our readers. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, I had to return to work when our first child was 4 months old, and my husband and I decided to get a nanny. We found Maria through an agency, and she ticked all our boxes. She was wonderful with our daughter and always followed our directions. I will always be extremely grateful for how Maria helped out our family, but I never considered her part of the family—and this was the problem. I would like to think I was always kind to Maria and treated her well, but perhaps only seeing her as an employee was unkind? When my daughter was 2½, we had a second child. My mother was in town for the delivery. When it came time to bring the baby home from the hospital, I told my husband I wanted the homecoming to just be the family, and he expressed reluctance to actively omit Maria. I felt strongly that I only wanted the family present and he acquiesced. If only I had listened to him. We asked my mother to go home ahead of us and relieve Maria for the day and tell her she could meet the baby the next day when she came to take care of our daughter. We ended up pulling up to the house just as Maria was leaving and she became distraught. She said we didn’t want her to meet the baby and that she was going to quit and left the house in tears. I ran after her shouting reassurances and sat on the curb holding her hand while she sat in her car. I begged her not to quit and explained that it had all been a big misunderstanding. She calmed down and then I brought her to meet the baby and then she left; she came to work the next day and it was fine. Except I have never forgiven her for tainting the homecoming of my kid. She worked for us for another six months, and then we put both kids in day care, citing the expense and the need for our daughter to get more socialized (both of which were true), but I also wanted Maria out of our lives. Despite needing a babysitter from time to time, at my behest, we never hired Maria again. My husband could not understand my stance, but I was firm. In my (perhaps hormonally altered?) mind, Maria had betrayed me. Maria listed me as a reference, and over the years I have always given her glowing recommendations. It seems that our family was the longest she was employed in one stretch so even now, six years after she worked for us, we still get reference calls about her, and I continue to praise her. Maria continues to babysit for friends nearby, and so we see her around from time to time. The other day she must have seen us pass by in our car on the way home because she pulled into our driveway to say hello. I am always friendly and share updates when we bump into each other. She still texts me sometimes and asks for pictures of the kids, and I always respond. My daughter is almost 10 now, and I still think about what happened. It bothers me that when I had the option of being right (it was OK to only want my family home when I brought home my new baby) and kind (it would have meant so much to Maria to have been included in that moment), I chose wrong. But I still am upset at what I see as a breach of trust; I still remember how humiliated I felt sitting on that curb, less than 24 hours after giving birth, begging this woman to stay in our lives when I felt she was in the wrong. I don’t think I want Maria back in our lives again, but do I owe her an apology? More importantly, I would want to mean it, and I don’t think I would! So how do I forgive her? Or let this go? Even though he disagreed, my husband supported my decisions. We haven’t talked about it recently, but I think this is the one thing I’ve done that he is disappointed in me about. —Can’t Let It Go Dear Can’t Let It Go, You both hold yourself and Maria accountable for the situation, but you still blame her for forcing you, just postpartum, into having to put your feelings aside to tend to hers. Ten years later, you claim to understand why Maria’s feelings were hurt when you excluded her from your baby’s homecoming, and you see that she obviously cares deeply for the children that she takes care of (hence her still wanting pictures and occasionally visiting your home). Yet you still resent her. I won’t try to figure out why that is—I have thoughts for sure!—but I think this is something you need to come to understand and make peace with, and that if you were capable of doing so on your own, or even with a word of advice, it would have happened by now. I think you should consider speaking to a therapist about these feelings. Perhaps there is something else here—how you feel about requiring the services of a nanny, for example—that you need to unpack. For a nanny who is used to functioning as a member of her “family,” I can imagine why the intentional lack of inclusion could make Maria feel as though she was not valued or trusted, that the people she cares so much for do not feel the same way about her. I can also understand how someone who perhaps wasn’t used to this way of bonding might not see a nanny as having such a role. But considering that you’ve had many years to consider your husband’s stance and Maria’s behavior, and that you’re not only conflicted, but still upset with this woman? This is deeper than what happened on the day you came home from the hospital, my love. Reach out to a therapist; I think you’ll be able to figure out just what’s really bothering you. Wishing you the best. —Jamilah Lemieux From: Dear Care and Feeding: I Can’t Stop Thinking About What I Did to Our Nanny Almost a Decade Ago. (August 6th, 2021). Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, My 17-year-old daughter “Hannah” is heading into her senior year of high school, and in the past few months she’s had a major falling-out with her former best friend. It seems the best friend got a boyfriend and became pretty attached to him very quickly. My daughter used to hang out with Hannah almost every day; now, they see each other maybe once a week. I don’t think Hannah is taking it well. She is upset about the situation all the time and breaks down into tears multiple times per week. She admitted to driving by her friend’s house a few times to see if the boyfriend’s car was there. Hannah also uses the Find My Friends app to track her friend’s whereabouts, and if the friend is at her boyfriend’s house on a night when she used to hang out with Hannah, Hannah sulks for the whole evening. On one hand, I’m heartbroken that my daughter is having such a hard time. I know friend breakups can, in some ways, be even harder than romantic breakups, and that society doesn’t really have a “script” for how to handle these types of breakups. Hannah has never had a boyfriend, and I think she may be feeling anxious about her friend getting a boyfriend and leaving her behind. On the other hand, I don’t think Hannah’s behavior is healthy. This situation has gotten all-consuming, and her grades, interest in activities, and relationships with other friends have all suffered. I almost wonder if Hannah has a crush on the friend? She’s approaching stalker-type behavior, and I’m horrified. How can I help my daughter through this, encourage a healthy parting of ways with the friend, and get Hannah to focus attention on other parts of her life again? —Mom in the Midwest Dear Mom, Continuing to hang out once a week isn’t quite a total falling-out, but I get that after seeing her best friend every day, once a week would feel like abandonment or rejection to Hannah. She’s hurt and lonely, and she could also be jealous and/or nursing a broken heart—I think you’re right to allow for the possibility that she might have feelings for her friend that go beyond friendship. In any case, while you can and should encourage her to talk to you, there’s no one single action you can take that will necessarily make this easier for her. Friend breakups are really tough. I understand how hard it is for you to see your daughter in pain. Try to make it clear that you’re there for her any time she needs to talk or wants someone to listen. Ask what she’s experiencing and how she is feeling, and validate those things—this will only be harder for her if she tries to ignore her emotions or is made to feel they are wrong. But also be clear that, no matter how hurt she is, she shouldn’t be spying on or digitally stalking her friend. If this goes on or gets worse, Hannah may also benefit from talking with a trained counselor. She could make an appointment with her high school counselor, or you could try to find a private therapist who can help her understand and feel these intense feelings without letting them overwhelm every other area of her life. —Nicole Chung From: Dear Care and Feeding: I’m Worried My Daughter Is Becoming a Stalker. (August 11th, 2021). Dear Care and Feeding, My son “Michael” is 15 and may or may not be exploring his gender and sexual identity; the majority of his friends are LGBTQ+ but he has not yet self-identified as anything other than straight and male. He has a “best friend” who is a straight girl, and I am beginning to suspect she may be wanting something more from this relationship and that he may be cluelessly or unintentionally leading her on. Prior to the pandemic, Michael and “Ellie” hung out in a large, diverse friend group. When COVID hit, the kids’ social options dwindled, and they resorted to small backyard gatherings with social distancing and masking. I noticed Ellie would attend every gathering hosted in our yard and would often stay long (sometimes hours) past the other guests. As COVID restrictions have lifted, she is a frequent solo guest at our home and readily engages with me, my husband, and our other children. She’s even begun covering household chores while we’re away and joining family dinners when we’re home. Having had a lengthy, purely platonic relationship with a member of the opposite sex during my own high school years, I didn’t question any of this until my older teen daughter asked me, “Do you think Michael’s leading Ellie on?” That got me wondering. My daughter then asked Michael if he thinks Ellie likes him (“Maybe”) and if he feels the same way about her (“Um…not really…”). In that same conversation, Michael verbalized that if Ellie ever discloses feelings for him and he doesn’t reciprocate, the chances of their friendship surviving are slim. Michael has a lot of casual friends but not many close friends, and I know Ellie is special to him in the same way his sister is special to him, but now I’m worried he’s leading this poor girl on and I don’t know what to do. Any advice? —Mystified in the Midwest Dear Mystified, It’s important that you teach Michael the importance of being delicate with other people’s feelings; regardless of his sexual orientation, he may continue to come across people throughout his life who have an interest in him that he does not reciprocate. There’s nothing to feel bad about when it comes to not wanting someone back, and no reason to pretend feelings that are not there. However, there’s a certain amount of grace we owe to people who we care about and who have expressed their feelings to us respectfully. It sounds like Ellie, if indeed this is a crush for her, has shown how she feels by treating Michael and his family with kindness, and by being a good friend. Talk to Michael about creating clear boundaries and emphasizing how he sees Ellie: “I value our friendship so much. You’re truly like another sister to me.” He doesn’t have to tell her, nor you, anything about who and what he does desire, but he owes it to her to be very explicit—and kind—in making it clear that it isn’t her. If she hasn’t made any romantic gestures, perhaps he needn’t confront her with a “just friends” speech, but he needs to make a point of contextualizing the relationship for her on a regular basis and letting her know that what it is now is what it is going to be. Also, continue to work at creating an environment in which Michael feels comfortable talking to you about his feelings. Whether he is same-sex attracted and is still figuring out how to share this with certain people, or if he’s just a cis-het kid whose BFF simply has a doomed crush (he might not want to kiss her even if he is straight!), he needs to know that his parents are down for him no matter what, that you’re a safe place to turn to with his feelings, and that they’re valid. —J.L. From: Dear Care and Feeding: I Think My Son Is Leading a Girl On. (August 13th, 2021). More Parenting Advice From Slate Two years ago, my husband and I welcomed our first and only child into the world. She’s a bright and very funny 2-year-old that we love with all of our heart. Predictably, she deals with the “Terrible Twos” and can be quite awful at times. I was shocked one day when I noticed my husband spanking our daughter pretty hard. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids Parenting