Sunken-Living-Room Lust and a Fireplace That’ll Have You Burning With Desire

Sunken-Living-Room Lust and a Fireplace That’ll Have You Burning With Desire 47 West 84th Street. Photo-Illustration: Curbed; Photo: Corcoran Listen, it’s not as though getting an apartment in New York has ever been easy. But one could probably argue it has never been harder than it is right now. The most god-awful studios are regularly renting for thousands and thousands of dollars with lines of interested tenants out the door. Here, we’ll find the actually worth-looking-ats, the actually worth-the-costs, and the surprisingly affordable-for-those-parquet-floors from around the internet. I went shopping for houses this week — like, houses for sale in addition to apartments for rent — and because I got a lot of feedback on my nihilistic tone poem last week, I’ve decided to put on a happy face about the housing market, painful as that may be, in the interest of optimism. If you’re from here, or moved here and plan to stay, optimism (delusion? Whatever you want to call it!) is a vital part of the city-dweller’s DNA. Here’s what I also noticed this week: a shocking number of two-bedroom apartments now cost over $4,000 if you’re renting and over $1.5 million if you’re buying. Previously, I would have scoffed at this, but in the spirit of bringing positive vibes to the listings this week, I will swallow my scoff. There are also quite a few houses hovering around the $2 million mark for sale, mostly in Crown Heights and Bed-Stuy, which brings me to one of my favorite delusions — looking at a $2 million house and thinking, Well, obviously I’d redo the kitchen. As if after scraping together $2 million, I’d have another $150,000 lying around. The rest of the noticing I’ll leave to you. Good luck out there, and remember to think positive thoughts! $2,750, studio (pictured below): I’m of the belief that if you’re going to live in a studio apartment, then you need an absurdly ornate piece of decor like this turn-of-the-century fireplace. Doesn’t matter that it takes up precious real estate — it’s fabulous. $2,900, 1-bedroom: Really boggles the mind why the photographer stood in the kitchen to capture this, but once you exit that dark and unremarkable space, you’ll be met with cheerful sunlight and parquet. $3,850, 1-bedroom: Charming enough floor-through apartment with wide planks and a nicer-than-it-needs-to-be oven. $5,500, 3-bedroom: Kind of a criminal price considering the state of the bathroom, which is maybe why this is still on the market. Keep an eye for a price drop on this otherwise pleasant brownstone duplex. (See?? Optimism!) 213 Hancock Street. Photo: Corcoran $2,600, 1-bedroom: My mind is boggled yet again by the decisions made by people photographing these apartments. To do this at night is to undercut your value by 5 percent, IMO! But hey, that’s better for the renter’s wallet. $3,450, 2-bedroom (pictured): I see those gates and my heart rate increases because I just adore sunken living rooms! 182 Bennett Avenue. Photo: Keller Williams Valley Realty $3,600, 1-bedroom (pictured at top): Really handsome one-bedroom with ornate and original details and modern finishes alike — the muddy terra-cotta tiles in the bathroom are really calling my name. $4,750, 1-bedroom: Lovely prewar apartment in great condition in an elevator-and-doorman building on Riverside Drive. $6,100, 2-bedroom: Why is this so expensive? Because it couldn’t be the fact that it lacks a washer-dryer. There’s a lot of space, though, and you can do a lot here. $8,000, 3-bedroom: Expensive if beautiful prewar with a kitchen and bathroom that don’t necessarily scream $8k to me, but hey! Maybe you don’t cook. Or use the bathroom. $1.65 million, 3-bedroom (for sale, not rental, pictured below): Don’t understand why this beauty is still on the market. Gorgeous double-height ceilings, perfect parquets, and almost enough room to fit your grand piano. What are you waiting for? 885 West End Avenue. Photo: Compass And on to more places for sale… $1.75 million, 2-bedroom (pictured): A $46,000 price drop at the converted church on Hicks Street. The bathroom tile has the unmistakable touch of a developer who let an algorithm make design decisions, but the bones are strong, the double-pane casement windows are lovely, and there’s plenty more here to like. 401 Hicks Street. Photo: Listing by owner $3.4 million, 2-bedroom (pictured below): Okay, this is just for fun, because I’ve never seen anything quite like it. Exposed brick is the prevailing theme here, and according to the listing, this special property “captures the true spirit and essence of its neighborhood.” To which I ask: Is the true spirit of NoHo a subterranean Roman bathing complex? 712 Broadway. Photo: Brown Harris Stevens $1.75 million, 3-bedroom: Eastern Parkway prewar with an ugly kitchen that’s offset by its beautiful bones. I have a few b*tchy design asides, sorry to say: the straitjackets on the chairs feel downright hostile and not even that cute dog can distract from the couch that looks like a 2002 Dell desktop rendered in tufted velvet. $3.495 million, 4-bedroom (pictured): It’s like HGTV got its hands on a Gilded Age mansion, with unfortunate results. Luckily, the damage appears to be mostly cosmetic, and the beautiful balustrades, stained glass and mahogany built-ins have survived the makeover unscathed. 1094 Park Place. Photo: Douglas Elliman $1.825 million, 1-bedroom (pictured below): A pretty perfect loft with a very imperfect amount of bedrooms. High ceilings, beautiful bookshelves, a washer-dryer. Pretty luxe but still a crazy asking price considering it’s essentially in the Navy Yard. 62 Washington Avenue. Photo: Compass $4 million, studio: Hahahahhahahha. 266 West 71st Street. Photo: Compass Assuming most of us don’t have $4 million lying around to spend on a house, I thought we’d indulge in a little fantasy real-estate shopping: two very expensive properties, one entirely hypothetical budget. First up, we have this whole townhouse on West 71st Street (pictured). Four bedrooms, four and a half bathrooms, 3,520 square feet, and a lot of original details to restore. If you want to spend even more money, you can play preservationist. Next up, we have a very loud, very proud two-bedroom at the Apthorp, a coveted building that I often drool over. About half the square footage, but you get to live in one of the city’s grandest prewars. Clearly the previous owners took this responsibility seriously, committing to the neoclassical-Hyatt aesthetic with dripping chandeliers, Corinthian columns, and gold-leafed ceilings. Obviously, there’s a doorman, and the not small matter of $3,563 a month after the $4 million–plus purchase. So what’s your fantasy? Sunken-Living-Room Lust and a Hot, Hot Fireplace Your product is saved! You’ll receive emails when your saved products go on sale. Manage preferences.