Summer childcare made me resent my husband – then we changed one thing

I was booking in childcare for a busy work period at the beginning of August when I felt the seeds of resentment start to grow. My husband Mark wouldn’t dream of booking childcare if he was working: he’d tell me what he was doing and know I’d fit my work around his. Which, of course, I would. I watered those seeds by reminding myself of how responsible I feel at all times: it’s out of the question that I’d lie in over the summer holidays and just know everything was being taken care of; that I would ever forget about school uniforms that need ordering; that I’d not commit everyone’s school timetables to memory so I can draw up a plan for September that involves pick ups and drop offs for three children at two different schools, some days at almost the same time. I would never, if Mark went out, only put our youngest to bed before falling asleep while he was out, so confident he would be back to sort out the other two. Mark is a brilliant husband and father and generally we share the load pretty equally. But I realised I have brewed this feeling before – during a similarly short-but-busy work patch midway through the last summer holidays. Shorts I’m not the only one whose resentment peaks during holidays, when the parenting juggle is at its limit. Maguire Family Law says divorces spike in September consistently, and it outstrips the traditional January peak. Across the past four years, the firm has received 29 per cent more enquiries in September than in January. Managing director James Maguire says: “For some, the break highlights issues around communication, finances or an unequal division of childcare and household responsibilities that can no longer be ignored.” I know that my feelings come from buying into society’s myth that women can “do it all”. I love my children’s company; I don’t want to miss out and then, as I become overstretched, my guilt increases and resentment follows. Just to make it clear: the resentment goes both ways. Mark and I have very different strengths at home. He cleaned the carpets the other day; I had no idea that that was even a job that needs doing. He tidies as he goes and feels resentful of my “house droppings” that I leave around – mainly mugs on my side table in the bedroom. He resents it if I forget to drain the bathwater, or use too many towels during the course of a week as he keeps on top of washing. Rather than letting resentment grow, I decided to learn more about it – and how to head it off before it starts. Resentment seems to be reserved for couples, especially those with young children – perhaps because each individual’s decisions have more effect on their partner than at any other time. But I remember going to a baby massage course when my eldest daughter Astrid was six weeks old, when I was a solo mum. The teacher asked: “So, who do you feel resentful of then?” I didn’t feel at all annoyed that I was changing every nappy: that was exactly what I’d signed up for. But her words float back regularly, reminding me that resentment can have nothing to do with how much I’m doing – it’s related to a sense of inequality or injustice. I ask psychologist and author Dr Morgan Cutlip why resentment frequently rises in summer. “There are more responsibilities to navigate,” she says. “Usually this gets absorbed by one partner without a full discussion around how it’s going to be divided up. Inevitably they may reach a point where the person who absorbed it feels a bit like: ‘Why am I the one juggling all of these extra responsibilities? How come it’s assumed that I take care of this?’ while the other partner gets to sort of carry on with the status quo; life as usual. The discrepancy becomes more pronounced when the natural routine is shuffled around.” She most often sees resentment cause issues when couples do not take time to plan ahead. “Many [couples] never have a conversation about how extra responsibilities are going to get divided up and handled,” she says. “Anytime routines are shaken up, anytime new stages or seasons of life are entered, anytime new obligations, schedule changes, or responsibilities are added into family life, that’s another point for conversation and renegotiation. But if a couple hasn’t gotten equipped at that, these things typically get absorbed by one partner, which is a really quick, fast track to resentment,” she explains. Cutlip tells me that guilt and resentment frequently become entwined. “Often then the partner who feels it doesn’t want to speak up about it, because she can’t quite sort out what exactly she’s feeling and isn’t sure she’s even entitled to feel the way she does,” she explains. She gives me two bits of advice which have helped hugely. The first is to start planning properly at the beginning of every season and minimise resentment that might otherwise build. Ideally we’d have done this at the beginning of summer, but instead we’ve been running through our shared diary week-by-week so we both know how we’ll divide the week ahead. It’s so simple and obvious, but easy to overlook when busy. Cutlip says back-to-school season also needs planning ahead. “Talk about what logistically is going to change in your life. Ask ‘What do we want this season to feel like?’ and ‘What are our objectives and goals as a family?’ Work out how you’re going to handle the logistics: Who’s going to flex when a kid gets sick? How are we doing pick up and drop off?” We’re already starting to plan and I’m pleased to say that my timetable is coming in handy for this one. The second piece of advice is that couples need to increase their appreciation. “It’s one of the fastest ways to change the tone in a relationship,” she explains. “So often the majority of what leads to resentment is this experience of, ‘I feel like I’m in my world and you’re living in a different world, and you don’t know what it’s like to be me’. The antidote to feeling like you’re living in different realities is to cross over and express appreciation. The trick with appreciation is always using more words, and it’s important to highlight the impact of whatever you’re observing: how it makes your life more interesting, more fun, more enjoyable, easier, more hilarious. Whatever it is, it’s expressing a specific way your life is better because of who your partner is or what your partner does.” So I’ve been deliberately noticing and telling Mark when he makes me and the children laugh and adds lightness to our lives; when he sacrifices a day in the office when I have a bout of tonsillitis and how I feel cared for; when he listens to my ideas for how to support the children and how this makes me feel respected and valued. “When life gets busy and resentment spikes, that feeling of invisibility and being taken for granted is typically part of it. Expressing appreciation helps each partner feel seen and valued for the ways they add value to family life,” Cutlip tells me. I’ve long been a fan of appreciation, as a buffer in relationships during tough times and antidote to contempt. But this is the first time that I’ve clearly stated how these positive attributes and details make me feel, which cements those positive emotions in me too. It crowds out those tendrils of resentment and is helping to make the summer holidays more enjoyable all round.