Stop feeling sorry for ‘boy mums’ – girls aren’t any easier to parent

“My sons are absolute chaos at home,” a friend recently lamented, wishing they would sometimes sit quietly and draw “like girls do”. Yet, when her son came to my house for a playdate, he sat and drew happily for with my children, a boy (7) and girl (9), who both sometimes sit and draw for hours on end. Another time when my son crashed his bike into a stationary car, another mother remarked: “That’s just boys for you.” In reality, it was just bad luck and the accident had nothing to do with his gender. All too often, at the school gate and on social media I hear parents talk about how rough and loud boys are compared to girls, and how socially complex girl friendships are. I tend to offer a counter view -and explain that both my children can be noisy and both enjoy quiet activities. But the myths that girls are naturally meeker and more emotional while boys are louder and harder work when young, persist. These stereotypes have damaging consequences for girls and boys. Shorts The real reason your daughter likes princesses, even though you raised her gender neutral As a science journalist and author, I’ve spent years reporting about child development. Experts have consistently told me that children are like little detectives who work out early on which “gender tribe” they belong to. As toddlers, they then gravitate to play, toys and behaviour that fit with their group. While boys do tend to take part in more boisterous physical play and girls tend to express bigger emotions, this does not mean one sex is inherently harder to parent than the other. “It’s a misconception,” says neuroscientist and gender scholar Lise Eliot, at Rosalind Franklin University of Medicine and Science. She stresses that every child is different and behavioural overlaps between boys and girls are larger than any differences. “There is no such thing as a male brain and a female brain, except for size [proportional to body size]” Eliot tells me. “We’re just so invested in gender.” Part of the reason the myth persists is that we start treating children differently before they can even speak. For instance, fathers of daughters have been found to use more language relating to emotions, while fathers of sons use more achievement-related language. The earlier children enter nursery, the earlier the gendered behaviours starts. Parents around me will often lament and say they tried to parent in a “gender neutral” way, but still find their daughters prefer princesses. This leads many to conclude that it must just be how they are wired. An assumption that ignores the fact that children tend to be more heavily influenced by their peers than by what toys we give them at home. Gender stereotypes shape behaviour from the beginning Social conditioning also shapes play and behaviour far earlier than most parents realise. When a friend’s twin boys came over for a play date, the first item they gravitated to was a toy buggy, much to their mother’s surprise. It was simply not something she had at home. Studies show that boys do show interest in playing with dolls until they become aware it could be perceived as a “girl toy”, after which they have been found to play with dolls secretly or not at all. Similarly, girls do not emerge from the womb naturally preferring pink or dolls, but are more often presented with toys that encourage nurturing play. Children therefore figure out early on which category they belong to and adjust their behaviour accordingly, says Eliot. Boys are not naturally more active If girls are expected to sit quietly and repeatedly encouraged to do so at home and in the classroom, this will predispose them to being more compliant overall, whereas noisy behaviour among boys is expected and therefore excused. I’ve seen this play out numerous times. Fathers are more likely to engage in rough and tumble play with sons and tend to encourage their sons to take part in sports more than their daughters. Adults also encourage more risk-taking play with boys compared to girls and usually aren’t aware they are doing so. Eliot, mother of two sons and a daughter had vastly different experiences with each. One son was more active and one more quiet. “Having raised two boys and a girl to adulthood, I would never say either are harder to parent,” she says. This narrative of more active boys never matched my own childhood experience either. Growing up surrounded by boys, I was the one climbing the highest trees and playing football with just as much energy, if not more, as the boys around me. Similarly, my friendships at school had very little drama – we all got along. Then consider the fact that there’s a known confirmation bias into how we interpret behaviour. We tend to overlook patterns that don’t fit with our assumptions and focus on the ones that do. All children can be active, noisy and misbehaved when given the opportunity to do so. ‘There is no evidence of a clear cut difference between girls and boys’ What is true is that girls mature faster than boys on average, a development that helps with impulse control, focus, and sitting still. This, coupled with social influence from peers, can result in more compliant girls, says father of three Alex Trippier, a parenting coach who runs activity camps. “I may have to ask a boy three or four times to get him stop a behaviour, but a girl will stop straight away,” he has observed. As it’s harder work to get them to comply, Trippier thinks parenting boys can require more effort. It’s a maturational difference, not a sex difference, Eliot says. But even if girls do present as more compliant in certain settings, all children experience big emotions, especially at home. As toddlers, boys and girls are equally likely to have meltdowns but as children grow up, girls cry more than boys. These differences have led to the idea that girls are harder work emotionally. The truth is boys also feel big emotions (and are actually more likely to express anger), but learn early on that expressing certain emotions is seen as “girly” and can reduce their social status. It’s not innately less likely in boys, says Eliot. Each time we tell our sons “not to cry” it reinforces these differences. Clearly, emotional suppression harms young boys and men, who, as they grow up, have been found to be less likely to seek social for mental health struggles. “I’m quite allergic to any sentences that begin ‘girls are’ or ‘boys are’ as though there is some kind of well-established evidence of a clear-cut sex difference,” says cognitive neuroscientist Gina Rippon. There simply is not, she says. Girls aren’t easier to raise – they’re easier to overlook What is true is that parenting itself is demanding, regardless of whether you have a son or daughter. When we blame difficult days on our child’s sex, we buy into a myth that ignores the fact that all children are different. If we didn’t excuse rough behaviour so readily as being “boyish” and our sons didn’t learn that this sort of play gave them social capital in the playground, we’d have a very different society. This should alarm us. Girls are not easier to raise “but may be easier to overlook”, says Rippon. The real challenge as parents then is raising caring children who express empathy for others and don’t lean into stereotypes, not focusing on whether you happen to be a boy mum or a girl mum. Melissa Hogenboom is the author of Breadwinners and the Motherhood Complex @melissa_hogenboom