Stop Asking People to Let You Stay at Their Homes

Downtime A debate is roiling over whether hosting traveling loved ones is normal or obnoxious. There’s only one solution. By Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Oct 22, 20265:45 AM Getty Images Plus Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. The recent online debate sparked by one influencer’s “Stop asking friends who live in NYC apartments to be your free hotel” PSA highlighted a huge range of perspectives about community, connection, and hospitality, but ultimately left me with one straightforward piece of advice, especially as we approach holiday-season travel: Never ask to stay with anyone, in New York City or anywhere else in the world. Just don’t do it. It’s not so much that I agree with the claim made by Bridget Goes, who launched the whole thing by accusing those who ask to spend the night when they’re in town (for a Harry Styles concert, specifically) of treating their friends like hotels. I don’t think would-be couch crashers are coming from a dark or calculating place, or taking advantage of their hosts. And I can see where Tinx is coming from, when she asked, in a TikTok captioned “Staying at your friend’s apartment is normal,” “What is wrong with you guys?” and “Can you genuinely not see the connection between increased depression and loneliness and just not showing up for your friends?” She went on to scold her followers, saying, “You guys need to learn how to be a friend!” Sure, maybe! We could all use some help in that area. In fact, all the back-and-forth itself proves there really is an interesting conversation to be had about the value of hosting overnight guests, even when we don’t have the space to do so comfortably. But, as with all the richest internet debates, this one was defined by people talking past each other, making arguments that were perfectly valid for them but also shaped by a whole slew of individual factors not necessarily shared by their followers. For example: Age: If you recently shared a dorm room or college suite situation, you probably have no issue waiting for the bathroom in the morning when your home has one additional occupant.Culture: Whether you grew up piling in with family members and have warm memories associated with that likely makes a difference when it comes to your enthusiasm for re-creating this kind of arrangement.Income: For many, the calculation about offering to host probably depends on whether the would-be guest could easily afford a hotel or whether that would be out of reach.Lifestyle: A potential host whose demanding job means they work nonstop or a parent whose small children sleep poorly might feel overwhelmed by putting sheets on the couch and losing 30 precious minutes in the morning to chitchat with a visitor.The old introversion/extroversion spectrum: I know I’m not at my best—and honestly, not enjoying myself much—if I’m in hosting mode until the minute I go to sleep and again starting the minute I wake up. The level of being “on” required to communicate with anyone outside my immediate family drains me and would definitely decrease the quality of the visit. But others probably delight in, and may even be energized by, this level of closeness. So my point here isn’t about whether you, yourself, should host. The answer there is “it depends” or “whatever makes you happy.” The point is that you should not invite yourself to stay at anyone’s home. And this applies whether we’re talking about a studio in Manhattan or a guest house in California or a McMansion in Texas. We have all learned from this debate that some people (not all, but some) feel put-upon by overnight guests. And no one should want to sleep in the guest room of a friend who is on the other side of the wall wishing they could use the bathroom, walk around naked, or simply not talk for the next 12 hours. But what if your friend or relative would actually love to host you, and has no way of knowing that you need a place to spend the night after the Harry Styles concert? (“God forbid I find out my friends came to my city and they booked the Holiday Inn Express without even talking to me,” as NotWildlin put it.) Thankfully, our culture already has a solution for this: The indirect request. As Bridget Goes explained in a video in response to all the backlash, you can simply say: “Do you know any good places to stay? Hotels are so expensive, I thought you might have an inside scoop.” Yes, it’s 2026. Yes, we all know that we can use the internet to book cheap accommodations, and nobody is actually looking for a tip about a boardinghouse that only advertises via word of mouth. But asking this makes your plan to be in town known while giving cover to someone who would rather play dumb and say, “I’ve found good deals on this one app. Let me know where you end up and maybe we can have brunch the next day!” If they instead choose to respond with “Don’ t be crazy, you can stay with me,” great. BridgetGoes, in the TikTok that inspired all of this, also argued that overnight guests should offer a gift, money, or a meal to their hosts. While that’s a nice thought, I don’t think it’s always necessary. The great thing about waiting for a friend to invite you to stay with them is that you know they want you there, they value your time together, and they don’t need to be compensated. As NotWildlin said in his pro-crashing argument, “The return is that you see the homies.” And let’s be honest: If someone feels inconvenienced by sharing their space, a potted plant or DoorDash isn’t going to make it any better. Avoid this situation by simply not forcing yourself on your friends, wherever they may live. Family Holidays Travel Etiquette