Somnophilia is the taboo kink that’s ‘hella hot’ — but you must approach with caution

Would you practice this kink? (Picture: Getty Images) Just recently, psychosexual therapist Natasha Silverman had someone contact her practice regarding their desire to engage in somnophilia – a sexual interest involving someone who is fast asleep, or pretending to be. Those with the kink either enjoy being woken up by a sex act, or like to perform them on someone as they sleep and wake up. It’s popular on Reddit with 51,500 self-proclaimed somnophiles in a single thread. But while some might say the kink is ‘hella hot’, there are some serious concerns regarding consent. After all, how can you agree to sexual activity, when you’re unconcious? Why does somnophilia bring people sexual pleasure? Natasha has worked with multiple couples who have openly discussed and explored somnophilia, either through simulated sleep, being woken with sexual touch or having oral or penetrative sex while one partner was genuinely asleep. The psychosexual therapist explains it’s largely about the power dynamics. ‘For those who enjoy having sex with someone who is asleep, the appeal can be the taboo, the spontaneity or the feeling of being trusted implicitly,’ Natasha tells Metro. Sign up to The Hook-Up, Metro's sex and dating newsletter Love reading juicy stories like this? Need some tips for how to spice things up in the bedroom? Sign up to The Hook-Up and we'll slide into your inbox every week with all the latest sex and dating stories from Metro. We can't wait for you to join us! ‘But for others, it’s about control or having a completely passive partner.’ Can we ever truly consent to somnophilia? Not really (Picture: Getty Images) Ask Metro Use AI to go deeper into the stories you care about – powered by Metro and trusted publications. If this is making you feel uneasy, the expert reminds us there’s an important distinction to be made here. ‘This doesn’t automatically mean they want to violate someone’s boundaries, because fantasy and real-life intention are not the same thing. ‘Our deepest fantasies are rarely politically correct, and they don’t necessarily reflect someone’s values.’ When it comes to those who want to be woken up with sex or receive sex while being asleep, this is called dormaphilia. ‘Partners often tell me they enjoy waking up gradually into pleasure or the feeling of being intensely desired,’ Natasha explains. ‘It can also be about surrendering control and not having to initiate, perform or make decisions.’ In fact, it can be popular with women who experience a sense of ‘duty or anxiety’ around initiating sex. ‘Being more relaxed when sex happens, rather than being caught off guard during a busy day, can make it easier to connect with desire and pleasure,’ she adds. The consent problem Consent is the key issue here, and as Natasha says, without it, this stops being a kink and becomes sexual assault. ‘The biggest risk is that a sleeping person can’t truly consent, communicate pain, discomfort or fear, or that they’ve changed their mind,’ she explains. ‘They might also wake up feeling confused and frightened, even if the idea sounded exciting beforehand.’ Ideally you would simulate sleep instead of actually sleeping (Picture: Getty Images) If you and your partner both actively want to explore somnophilia together, this needs to be discussed while you’re both awake, sober and able to choose, Natasha stresses. You’ll need to dive into the specifics: what’s allowed, what’s off-limits, when it might happen — and both agree on those. Casual comments like ‘I’d love to wake up to that’ should also never be taken as consent. ‘To consent to one act is not to consent to everything,’ she explains. ‘And consent should always be able to be withdrawn, which makes sleeping sex ethically and legally complicated.’ In England and Wales law states it’s non-consent when someone is asleep or unconscious, so even a conversation beforehand isn’t a guaranteed legal safeguard. Of course, things get more precarious when any alcohol, drugs or sedating medications are involved, and the psychotherapist worries this could also trigger past trauma, as well as disorders like sleep paralysis making it a more distressing experience. More like this... Practicing somnophilia as safely as possible The safest option here is to have your partner pretend to be asleep, when actually they’re conscious and able to stop the sex at any time. Natasha says another alternative is to start with an agreed form of touch (not penetration) to wake the partner and then get their consent before proceeding any further. Deals of the Day Parents can save up to 30% on Kickers school shoes ahead of the new term The back-to-school hack that's helping parents avoid queues and sold-out sizes Could your hair be wavy rather than straight? This brand thinks so Could your star sign improve your skincare routine? This new beauty launch thinks so Best skincare for menopausal skin? This dermatologist-created treatment is tailored to you ‘Some people regularly engage in this and enjoy it,’ she admits. ‘Others decide it isn’t for them.’ Do you have a story you’d like to share? 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