Something Uncontrollable Happens Now When I Cross the “Finish Line” in Bed. I Hate It.

How to Do It This is a new development. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous! Dear How to Do It, I am a woman in my mid-30s, just starting to recover from a long-term illness during which time I became bedbound for about a year and was on a suprapubic bladder catheter. I’m no longer on the catheter. But now I have incontinence when I orgasm. Every. Single. Time. I hate it, and it’s making me really uncertain about dating again. So far, I’m just playing with myself, but it happens every time. Pee before starting? No help. Kegels? Nope. Professional pelvic floor physical therapist? Nothing. I even had a bulking agent injected around my urethra to help reduce leaking, but no matter what I do, nothing works! I have no idea what to try next, and it’s so frustrating! This never happened before the catheter. I want to get back out into the world someday, but how and when is it appropriate to tell a potential sex partner that you’re likely going to pee on them a little when you cum? And do you have any suggestions that might help me fix my problem? —The Wrong Kind of Wet Dear the Wrong Kind of Wet, You went through a very long illness and are now starting to recover. I imagine you’re feeling impatient about the whole endeavor. While immediate and complete solutions do sometimes exist in life, far more common is a combination of tactics. Like the Swiss cheese model for risk management, but with adaptation instead. If there were an intervention available that was likely to completely resolve your stress incontinence overnight, it’s fair to assume one of the many medical workers you’ve talked to would have let you know about it by now. So you’re looking for a stack of strategies that each have some effect, and you might need to work with specialists down the road. Unless one of the medical professionals involved told you to give up on Kegel exercises or other pelvic floor therapy exercises, keep working on those—you might see progress with more practice. Additionally, when the window of time in which a doctor expects something to have worked itself out on its own has passed, being able to confidently state that you have complied with the first-line treatments makes the case for taking you seriously stronger. Keep all of your records as well, and ask doctors and therapists to clearly note any instructions to give up on a particular option so any specialists down the line have proof you followed the recommendations you were given. The caveat here is that if something is hurting you, or otherwise seems to be worsening your issue, you can and should advocate for yourself and refuse advice you know isn’t OK for you. I do wonder whether inverting the advice given to women who want to squirt is useful. They’re told to push as they’re orgasming, so you might try contracting inwards and up toward your belly button. A sexological bodyworker might be able to help you with this. Depending on your pelvic floor therapist’s perspective and the legality in your region, they might be able to refer you to one, and one of the ways to screen sexological bodyworkers for professionalism is whether they require clients to have seen a PT first. As for when and how to tell partners, wait until you’ve both decided you’re interested in considering sex, but do the disclosure before clothes have started coming off or anyone is significantly invested in an outcome. It’s awkward to broach a bedroom detail before anyone has considered whether they want to try kissing, and getting it over with fairly early helps you find out how the other person will react before you’ve developed significant emotions, and reduces the likelihood of the other person feeling like something has been hidden from them. State the facts as neutrally as you can: that you pee small amounts when you orgasm and are [annoyed? embarrassed? frustrated?] by the situation. Know that some people might react strongly and negatively, others may have a kink that makes this a positive for them, and still more will be unbothered as long as there are enough towels to throw down. You get to decide which kinds of reactions are acceptable for you, and which kinds are an immediate sign to leave the date. Unfortunately, aside from purposefully seeking out piss fetishists, there’s no way to pre-screen your dating pool. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear How to Do It, I would like advice on how to enjoy penis-in-vagina sex more. I am a ciswoman who’s new to sex, and I’m really into the idea of PIV conceptually (I have a lot of fantasies about it) but find actually being penetrated neutral to somewhat uncomfortable. My partner (she/they) is new to using a strap-on but has found a lot of gender joy and arousal in it, and I want to find some of that for me too. I feel really happy when she uses it on me, and I think it’s hot, but the actual sensation is lacking. I love my partner. We use lots of lube (I’m on the dry side), and I’ve been trying out a dildo in case it’s just a lack of practice, but I can’t seem to figure this out. Please help me! —Bottom Dreams Dear Bottom Dreams, Get more detail about what turns you on about vaginal penetration when you fantasize about it, and what is uncomfortable about penetration when you experience it. For the latter, think about things like whether the dildos are too hard, soft, thick, thin, long, short, etc., and whether there’s something about the physical experience outside of your vaginal canal that might be a factor, such as positioning or a part of the toy pressing on your vulva or upper thigh in unpleasant ways. Are you one of the many women who need clitoral stimulation along with penetration to fully enjoy the sex, and is that stimulation being provided by your partner or yourself? If the lube you’re using works perfectly well for you during other types of stimulation, double-check that it’s compatible with the toys you’re using. If that lube is only for vaginal penetration, try some other types. Look for the emotions present in your fantasies and during real-life penetration, and whether you might need any specific dynamics with your partner as well. Good luck. Share Your Story With How to Do It! Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point our How to Do It writers make, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each month, Jessica and Rich will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers. Write to us! Dear How to Do It, I am an only child, and I’m now in my mid-40s. A few months back, I saw a video that involved sibling roleplay. It unlocked something deep within me, and I’ve been consuming step content since. I have considered finding someone who would be willing to roleplay this. My question is: Why is an only child feeling this? Is it because it’s not only taboo, but because it’s literally an impossible act for me? —Hot and Bothered Brother Dear Hot and Bothered Brother, Why do you want to answer these questions? Some people have absolutely no need, or even desire, to understand why they’re turned on by what they enjoy. Others seek an explanation so that they can alleviate fears about being deviant—reasons give us a sense of justification. Still more are inherently turned on by the layer of Freudian psychodrama present in taboos or impossible longings. I’m wary of potentially taking the erotic power out of this type of fantasy that you’re enjoying so deeply—so I won’t dig further. If you’re worried about whether you’re within range of normal, a sexologist can help you work through that. If you want your framing mercilessly unpacked, a sex therapist or sex coach can do that, too (or feel free to write back in with a direct request). And if you want to lean into the taboo of it all because that’s part of what turns you on, you’ll find plenty of role-play partners who are happy to participate or share the same view of sexuality. —Jessica More Advice From Slate My mother and father divorced more or less amicably five years ago, when all of us kids (three brothers) were already out of the house. Since then, she’s been living in our childhood home in the same Midwestern suburb where we grew up, working part time, dating, and adjusting to living by herself for the first time in almost 30 years. Over the summer, she stayed with my brother and his wife for a month, sort of to help out with the kids during their summer vacation, but mostly because I think she’s not sure what to do with her time… Advice Sex