Someone Is Harassing My Co-Worker. HR Thinks It’s Me.

Dear Prudence Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by CarlosDavid.org/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions to Prudie here. Dear Prudence, This is going to be odd, but please hear me out! My friend recently had a breakup with her boyfriend (his idea), and it was not amicable. I work at the same company as her ex, and normally work from home, except for one day in the office. This is mandatory so, of COURSE, I am going to see him! I have not gone out of my way to talk to him, go over to his desk, or anything. I once had a run-in with him while we were both in the break room, but it was about passing the sugar. I just thanked him and went on my way. This morning, I had an email from HR waiting for me in my inbox. Apparently, someone has been leaving notes on his car windshield that ask why he broke up with his girlfriend, what she did that was so wrong, and things of that nature. He believes I am doing it as we all park in a garage, which is supposed to be private but the company did not renew the contract to keep it private. I am assuming this has been my friend, but without the security footage, I have no proof. I am not sure if HR knows about the garage going public or not, I only know because I am in finance. What should I do? Toss my friend under the bus? Tell HR I have no idea what is going on but leave my friend out of it? HELP! —Not Really a Stalker Dear Not Really a Stalker, Your only job here is to tell the truth and clear your name. “I received your email and want to assure you that I’m not aware of or involved in this situation. I’m concerned about the impact of this allegation on my professional reputation. Who can we speak to about checking the security footage to clear my name?” You don’t need to toss your friend under the bus, but you also don’t need to allow yourself to be smeared as a stalker in order to protect her. —Jenée Desmond-Harris From: Help! My Job Thinks I’m Stalking My Co-Worker. It’s Not What It Looks Like. (Oct. 16th, 2023.) Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, Last year, with the help of family and friends, I extricated myself from a physically and emotionally abusive marriage. It was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. I understand that I’m lucky to have had relatives who were able to help me with legal fees and moving expenses (I’m on a payment plan and have repaid almost all of it by now). But now my family members make unreasonable demands for personal information about me. They require I check in with them about decisions I’m making for myself and have implied that I shouldn’t spend money on certain items (necessities like rent) until I’ve paid them back. They’ve gone so far as to repeatedly call and text me when I’m at work until I drop everything (even leaving meetings!) to answer whatever their questions may be. They make hurtful comments about how my past judgment was clearly not the best to have ended up in a relationship with an abuser and I can’t be trusted to make decisions for myself yet. They also say that I’m ungrateful, which couldn’t be further from the truth. I’ve worked hard in therapy to understand how important boundaries are to recovering from past abuse, and this dynamic feels unhealthy for me. I’m hesitant, however, to be rude to family members who likely saved my life and seem to really be doing this out of a misplaced sense of caring. How do I balance my obligation to their generosity with my obligation to myself? —Boundaries After a Favor Dear Boundaries, Implying that you have no right to pay your own rent and aren’t capable of caring for yourself because you have been abused in the past sounds an awful lot like abuse to me. I’m so sorry that you’ve managed to escape one abusive living situation only to find yourself being manipulated and berated by your would-be saviors. I’m glad to hear you’ve almost finished your payment plan, because the sooner you are no longer financially beholden to these people, the better. In the meantime, I think it’s more than fair for you to tell them that although you’re grateful they were able to lend you money, you will not be able to answer calls while you are at work and will have to get back to them at the end of the day. You are under no obligation to give them personal information or listen to them question your judgment. They think you owe them your life; all you owe them is money. —Danny M. Lavery From: Helicopter Family. (Dec. 28th, 2015.) Dear Prudence, My ex remarried a few years ago to a woman who is 15 years younger than me, has a Ph.D., and is quite wealthy. I basically owe her my life. My boyfriend got arrested, I got pregnant, and our house almost burned down. She provided my children and me an apartment that she owns, paid for a nanny, and helped with getting the house rebuilt. My kids are over at their dad’s most afternoons (including my now 3-year-old, saving me day care fees). I am back on my feet and biting back nasty comments whenever my kids talk about her. I am just stewing, and I feel so ashamed at times I make myself sick. What is wrong with me, and how do I make it stop? —Green Eyed Dear Green Eyed, You went through a series of incredibly stressful and painful events, were rescued by your ex’s seemingly perfect new wife, and are now exhausted from sitting in a position of constant gratitude. I don’t think anything is wrong with you—you feel resentful and insecure and ashamed next to this remarkable woman who has done so much to help you, which is fairly understandable—but I do think it’s wise of you to seek to curtail your feelings. It’s wonderful that you are now in a position to take care of yourself and your children without outside assistance, and I think at least some of this newly freed-up time and funds should go toward paying for a therapist. You’re right to bite back your nasty comments in front of your children. They have a warm, loving relationship with their stepmother, and you shouldn’t try to damage it, for your own sake as well as theirs. But you need someone to share your unlovely and uncharitable feelings with, and a therapist will help you sort out your resentments without damaging your relationships. —D.M.L. From: The Green Stuff. (Dec. 29th, 2015) Classic Prudie My boyfriend and I have been together for five years and started living together six months ago. He is amazing and I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. While shopping, I found the absolute perfect ring for him and have thought about proposing to him. I brought this up to my best friends thinking they would be excited, and instead they told me not to. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Dating and Relationships Family Workplace