Six common marriage mismatches – and the ones that are actually an issue

Some people are quick to agree with the old adage that opposites attract, often citing their own relationship as proof that you don’t need to share the same values or outlook to fall in love, but researchers have debunked the idea throughout the years. Indeed, various studies have shown friends and romantic partners tend to share core beliefs, values and hobbies. A 2023 study published in Nature Human Behaviour analysed more than 130 traits – including political leanings, the age of losing one’s virginity and substance use habits – with data from millions of couples spanning over more than a century. It found that partners overlapped in approximately 82 to 89 per cent of the traits analysed, showing couples were more likely than not to be similar. But what if you and your partner find that your habits or beliefs are moving in different directions? Does that mean you’re heading for a split? Not necessarily, according to relationship experts who examined common marriage mismatches and offered advice on how to deal with them. Shorts One is a gym bunny, the other a couch potato When one partner becomes completely absorbed by fitness goals and diet, and the other person prefers a slower pace of life, this can create an energetic split in the household. Sex and relationship coach Gemma Nice says: “It’s rarely just about the gym, it’s about a mismatch in how you both choose to relax and find your own space.” The partner left at home while the other is out training may find that this triggers intense feelings of resentment, loneliness and judgment. Nice explains: “You might look at your partner leaving for a three-hour run or think they are choosing exercise over you. Meanwhile, your partner might start judging what they see as a lack of motivation.” Nice says not to force each other into trying to be more or less active. “Commit to a 10-minute walk around the block just to catch up, or have a rule where you protect 15 minutes of quality time together on the sofa with zero screen time. This is where you can shift the focus from what you are actually doing to how you are connecting with each other, so you both still feel like a happy couple without the resentment.” One is teetotal, the other loves a tipple Maybe you met your partner when you were both drinking, but now only one of you still loves a drink. Is this a relationship dealbreaker? Relationship therapist Georgina Vass says not necessarily. “Changes to rituals of connection or established routines will likely feel destabilising, and there may even be fears around losing connection. However, it may be helpful to make friends with the discomfort.” The key to not letting the difference in alcohol intake disrupt the relationship is removing pressure from either side, such as the drinker telling the teetotaller to “just have one” or the sober partner trying to force their loved one not to drink, especially if they have a healthy relationship with booze. Vass suggests finding new ways to connect with each other outside the context of drinking, such as going to cafes, museums or on outdoor adventures where alcohol isn’t the main focus. One is thrifty, the other likes to spend If there’s one thing that’s going to cause massive arguments in a relationship, it’s money. Often, money issues are deeply rooted in how you were raised, and if you grew up in a household where money was scarce, it can be jarring to watch your partner splash the cash. As Vass says: “Financial arguments are rarely about numbers, but often a misalignment of values disguised as a disagreement over budgets.” Vass says to stop different spending habits from causing arguments, start by having an explicit conversation that demystifies money and what it represents to you as individuals. “Identify your value judgements around money and what is ‘ok’ to spend money on versus what isn’t. Awareness and communication of these values promote mutual understanding, rather than unspoken expectations or assumptions. Aligning your money values early can prevent future conflicts, avoid stress or unwanted surprises and promote connection.” One is a social butterfly, the other is a homebody If you wonder why an introvert and an extrovert often end up in a relationship together, it’s rarely an accident. As psychotherapist and clinical sexologist Lulu Sunnucks explains: “We’re frequently drawn to partners who carry the parts of ourselves we’ve had to suppress or disown. An introvert may unconsciously partner with someone who can be sociable and expressive on their behalf. An extrovert may seek out the containment and stillness they’ve never let themselves have.” The trouble starts when this division hardens into fixed roles rather than a living exchange. The extrovert becomes “too much”, the introvert becomes “boring”. Sunnucks says the real work isn’t meeting in the middle, or diluting yourselves into some flat compromise, “but in being able to hold your partner’s difference as a separate, legitimate way of being and not a problem to be corrected”. Practically, that could look like protected solo-recharge time for the introvert and protected social time for the extrovert, held without resentment on either side, alongside a shared language for signalling need like “I’m at capacity” or “I need people right now” so it doesn’t get read as rejection. One is a liberal, the other is right wing It’s really common for couples to start on the same page politically and drift apart over the years as life changes. Nice says: “When worldviews clash, sitting down to talk about the news can instantly trigger intense anxiety and defensiveness. Your brain registers your partner’s opposing view not just as a difference of opinion, but as a direct threat to your personal values and safety, thus putting you in the fight-or-flight response.” Nice says you have to accept that your partner may not share your views anymore, but you don’t have to let it get to you. “The secret is to stop trying to change their mind, as that creates a barrier and keeps you in the fight-or-flight response again. Your barriers go up and your body language shuts down. Set a firm boundary around political talk. Never discuss politics in the bedroom or right before bed when your body is mentally and physically drained as this means you won’t get a good night’s sleep and end up in a foul mood the next day, which could lead to more arguments.” One is an early bird, the other is a night owl You wouldn’t think differing bedtimes could have a major impact on your relationship, but Sunnucks explains that time in bed before you nod off is a kind of unpressured shared time, where play, vulnerability, and spontaneous intimacy tend to occur. “A night owl and an early riser structurally miss each other’s version of this window. It’s not just a scheduling inconvenience, it can quietly echo earlier experiences of a caregiver’s presence or absence. If one partner is only available when the other is depleted or unconscious, it can reactivate old anxieties around being missed or not being sought out,” says Sunnucks. The fix isn’t forcing alignment as that usually breeds resentment. Sunnucks says: “It’s deliberately constructing a small overlap ritual, a protected 10 minutes in bed together before the early riser gets up or a fixed weekly window where both are rested and present.”