Since When Did Caring Become So Cringe?

It is shameful and appalling to admit that I have had a table of female friends crowd around my phone, debating whether an exclamation point is too enthusiastic or whether I’d waited long enough before replying to someone’s text.The unfortunate truth is that dating has always involved games, but Gen Z has somehow turned emotional-restraint into a tony-winning performance. Don’t get me wrong, my generation did not invent “hard to get;” my mom has told me horror stories about waiting by a landline phone. But today, that modern version of that now means consulting your group chat, sending screenshots, waiting exactly 47 minutes to respond to a text you giggled at immediately, or plugging your messages into AI. It’s even happening among my guy friends, too. For a generation supposedly obsessed with authenticity and personal branding, we’ve remarkably committed to pretending we don’t care.We don’t admire the people who try, but the people who make trying look easy.This nonchalant approach to dating stems from a generational obsession with laissez-faire and the general idea of achieving perfection with minimal effort. Home demos, DIYs, and “how to’s” may show you the steps but fail to show the hours of work that go into learning that skill, or simply editing that seamless video. In a way, we don’t admire the people who try, but the people who make trying look easy.Dating has become all about who cares less. Double texting is desperado. Responding too quickly is overeager. Asking for clarity is needy. Being affectionate too soon is love bombing. Being too available suggests you have nothing better to do. And don’t even get me started on the perils of being a paragraph girl. The person who cares less supposedly wins, but what exactly is the prize?When it comes to dating, women are claiming that men aren't pursuing them anymore, but we’ve created a dating culture in which men are just as afraid of vulnerability. There's a popular narrative, reinforced by TikTok relationship gurus, that a man who genuinely likes you will make it impossible to misunderstand his intentions—you know, “if he wanted to he would.” But this assumes that men are somehow immune to the treacheries of dating too.Let me make something abundantly clear: I am not excusing lazy or inconsiderate behavior—never in this house. Do I like when men put in the effort and lather not the chalance? Abso-fucking-lutely. I am a child of the rom-com era! But unless there’s magical mass education on how to bring back chivalry, chutzpah, and confidence in one-fell-swoop, we need to be pragmatic about our goals and what it’ll take to reach them. I mean, for almighty sakes, Gen Z men learned to flirt through Snapchat, Instagram, and dating apps, rather than through traditional courtship.I can't help but wonder how many potential relationships have been lost to two people playing hard to get, each mistaking the other's self-preservation for disinterest.If anyone understands this, it’s me. I’m dating a shy man. He does all the right things and I feel so unabashedly loved by him and he never once tried to play it cool. But after a series of longer conversations, he admitted that he felt emboldened to pursue me and not even consider the Cool Guy Act because it was clear I wanted to be pursued. I had a big fat crush on him, and he knew it. So he took the tip and put all his chips all in.I can't help but wonder how many potential relationships have been lost to two people playing hard to get; each mistaking the other's self-preservation for disinterest, each convinced the “right person” will break the seal and buy a boombox.Of course, the easiest person to blame is Mr. Internet. When every flirtatious text has the potential to become a screenshot in someone's group chat, it makes sense that we'd want to protect ourselves from looking foolish. We're not just afraid of rejection anymore; we're afraid of having an audience for it. We edit our feelings the same way we edit our Instagram posts, making sure nothing looks too eager, too vulnerable, or God forbid, too earnest.We're not just afraid of rejection anymore; we're afraid of having an audience for it. But I fear we've become so concerned with appearing desirable that we've forgotten how to desire someone openly. We want someone to pursue us without having to pursue them, to love us without having to love first, and to put in the effort without ever being caught trying ourselves. And for what? The satisfaction of knowing we played it cool?I'm not suggesting we all start professing our love to strangers on the subway or sending good morning texts to every Hinge match. But maybe it's time we stopped treating sincerity like a social faux pas. Tell someone you like them. Make the first move. Send the double text. Use the exclamation point! I! Dare! You! I'd rather be embarrassed by how much I cared than spend my life pretending I didn't.