Signs You Are Dating an Emotionally Unavailable Person

Early dating is a strange dance. One day the conversation is flowing, and the next, the person you’ve been seeing has gone quiet, vague, or they’re weirdly hard to pin down. Sure, sometimes life happens. But in some cases, it's a sign you're dating someone who's emotionally unavailable.“In the therapy world, we call that avoidant attachment,” says Dr. Jenni Skyler, PhD, C-PST, a licensed marriage and family therapist. Whatever you call it, the pattern can be difficult to spot when you’re in the thick of it, especially when you really like someone and want to give them the benefit of the doubt.Emotional unavailability isn’t a diagnosis or a relationship death sentence. It’s nuanced, and there’s a difference between someone who’s upfront about their struggles with opening up and someone who’s not willing to engage at all. But if the person you’re seeing has their emotions on “do not disturb” mode 24/7, it might be time to stop calling, because there’s a good chance they’re never going to pick up.So, what does an emotionally unavailable person look like? Here are some of the signs to look out for.1. They’re InconsistentOne of the clearest signs, according to Dr. Julia Cash, a licensed marriage and family therapist, is a pattern of hot-and-cold behavior. “Maybe they make plans with you one week and are very initiative and wanting to see you, and then they become very distant the next,” she says.Skyler describes something similar: “They don’t text back with any kind of regular rhythm, they don’t call back with any regular rhythm, they don’t show up. There’s a clear void and absence that is happening in the connection.”Confusion erodes connection, but if someone is emotionally unavailable, it can feel like control in an otherwise uncontrollable situation, because they have the throttle for the relationship, and they get to speed it up and slow it down whenever they want. That’s a recipe for relationship whiplash, and it’ll get you if you’re not careful.2. Their Words and Actions Don’t Line UpIt’s not just about what they say, it’s about whether they follow through.“A lot of people are a lot of talk, but no action,” says Dr. Gina Midyett, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “If they say they’re gonna call you, or they say, ‘I’d love to go out with you,’ but then days and weeks go by, that’s not an emotionally available person.”3. They Avoid Talking About Labels, Commitment, or Future PlansBringing up where things are headed shouldn’t feel like defusing a bomb. But with an emotionally unavailable partner, Cash says, conversations about the future or relationship labels are often met with someone “ending the conversation, changing the subject, or deflecting it.”Midyett sees this too, especially around the dreaded situationship. “If they’re not comfortable about talking about a future with you... then they’re not emotionally available,” she says.It doesn’t necessarily mean they have to agree with you, but they should be able to say what they’re looking for in a relationship. That level of communication is very basic, so if they can’t even say that, the relationship doesn’t have much (if any) room to grow.4. They Only Want to Have Surface-Level ConversationsEmotional unavailability often shows up as an invisible ceiling on how deep things can go. They might justify this as “just wanting to have fun” or asking why you have to be “so serious” all the time.Add Cosmopolitan as a preferred source in your Google search results.Use your Google account to add this to your settings.“We notice this sense of inability to have conversations about intimacy or about vulnerability or about things that are more in-depth than how was your day and what are we doing on Friday,” says Maria G. Sosa, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “The moment that we try and talk about things that have more depth or more substance, we notice that there’s a bit of a hit-the-brakes conversation.”Because the early days of dating are usually easy and fun, Sosa notes, it’s common to miss this one at first. “We’re so excited about the person and the potential of this person that we don’t notice these small things.”5. They Can’t Handle Conflict Conflict is completely normal in relationships, but how someone fights is one of the biggest tells. Cash points out that there’s a difference between reacting and responding.“A reaction might be yelling, becoming defensive... it can also be seen as someone shutting down or withdrawing, or even leaving the conversation,” she says.Responding, on the other hand, might sound like someone saying something like, “This is a difficult conversation for me,” or explaining how their relationship history is affecting what they do or don’t say. If they say they need more time, that’s not necessarily a red flag, but if they continue to avoid the conversation completely… there’s your sign.Sosa adds that conflict is actually one of the best predictors of long-term closeness, since couples typically grow closer after working through an argument.“An inability to have the hard conversations and go through that conflict and come out the other end... that is also another side of that emotional unavailability. They just don’t have a way through the conflict.”6. They Ignore or Dismiss Your Bids for ConnectionIn couples therapy, a bid for connection is any small attempt to engage your partner, like sharing a photo, asking a follow-up question, or just wanting to feel heard and understood.“If someone either ignores your bids for connection or kind of dismisses them or shares disinterest, I would say that’s another emotionally unavailable sign,” Cash says.Pay attention to whether your feelings are validated or dismissed. When someone listens to your feelings and tries to understand you instead of judging you or telling you you’re too sensitive, these are signs of emotional availability and closeness, according to Midyett.7. They Have Shallow or Strained Platonic RelationshipsA history of unstable friendships or conflict at work or school can point to a more avoidant personality overall. Skyler adds that for people who are especially avoidant, the pattern can be visible even in family relationships: “They will have a global pattern of not being responsive in communication, whether it’s text, phone call, email.”Emotional unavailability isn’t something that just fades away with time. It’s a major relationship roadblock that will stand in the way of real connection and commitment. At the same time, being with someone who’s a little guarded isn’t automatically a dealbreaker, especially if they’re self-aware and working on it. What matters is how they approach conversations around their emotional capacity. If they turn cold and attempt to avoid all accountability, that’s a sign that they’re not ready to go any further. But if they approach it with curiosity and a willingness to try, well, that’s an opening.“Self-awareness is huge,” says Midyett. “An emotionally available person is really interested in connecting with you instead of thinking ‘me, me, me,’ all the time.”