She Was a Legend. We’ll Never Forget Some of Her Best Advice.

Dear Prudence Margo Howard’s Best Advice She was witty, and direct. Photo Illustration by Slate. Photo courtesy of Margo Howard. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Slate—and our advice team especially—was sad to learn of the recent death of Margo Howard, the original anchoring voice of Dear Prudence. She took over the column in 1998 just after it began, and helmed it for eight years; she said writing for “first-rate readers” was a “joy and a privilege.” The daughter of the legendary advice columnist Ann Landers, Howard’s advice was sharp, practical—and more than a little cheeky. In the 2020s, Howard came out of Prudie retirement to answer a few more letters for Slate, and Senior Editor of Advice Paola de Varona calls working with Howard on those special-edition columns a highlight of her career. Here, we share a few of our favorite letters that Howard answered over the decades. Dear Prudie, I have been going with a guy for about a year and we moved in together two months ago. Recently, I went out of town to visit my parents, and upon my return found out he had been joining these adult online Internet sites where people “meet.” He doesn’t know that I know. I (unscrupulously) looked in his e-mail (I know the password) and that’s how I found out. I then joined the same Internet site and wrote him an e-mail wanting to find out exactly what he’s looking for. He responded to this e-mail, of course not knowing it was me. Is it wrong, do you think, for me to lead him on like this? Am I better off just leaving him? Aren’t most men cheaters anyway? —Stir Crazy Dear Stir, This is a rather newish relationship for you to be having such problems. And no, most men do not cheat. Since you’re evaluating whether or not to stay in the relationship, if you’re up for some mischief, you might arrange to meet him as your make-believe e-mail self. Bring a doctor with you, if you can, because he will probably faint. Prudie thinks this would be a perfect, not to mention satisfying way to put the issue on the table. Let us all know what happens! —Prudie, playfully From: Your Cheatin’ Email (March 29 2001). Dear Prudie, A friend of mine (age 25) has been having an affair with a married man (39 with two young kids). It sickens me, and I have been questioning whether I should maintain my relationship with her. At any rate, it has been going on for over a year, and she does not show any signs of breaking up the relationship despite advice from numerous friends. I am tempted to anonymously call his wife and give her a tip, such as, “Watch your husband” or “Your husband is having an affair.” I can’t stand to think of this poor woman at home with two young children, unknowing, while her husband is out gallivanting! Is it wrong to meddle with fate? —Confused and Distressed! Dear Con, Fate being fate, it cannot be meddled with, but you definitely should not meddle in your girlfriend’s affair. It is rotten, granted, but why on earth would you want to lay this information on the poor wife? These things have a way of working themselves out without phone calls from informers. Often, by the way, the wife knows. Whatever might happen as a result of your phone call—if you did make it—is nothing you need on your scorecard. The short answer is that this situation really has nothing to do with you. Cool your jets, and perhaps find a hobby. —Prudie, properly From: As Fate Would Have It? (February 13th, 2003). Pru, A few years ago, I was sent an announcement-invitation from a former friend about her college graduation. The announcement-invitation said she had registered at a store, I presume for her gift purchases. I was recently invited to a housewarming, and they also registered at a store. Finally, a girl I met at a book-signing event showed me an invitation to a 30th birthday party where the girl had registered. Now, my question/comment is: What is up with all of these people registering for occasions where you aren’t really required to bring a gift? All I usually take to a housewarming is a bottle of wine or a plant. What gives?! —Missed Registration Dear Miss, These materialistic people have confused themselves with brides. Simply ignore their “suggestions.” Something has happened, along the way, to loosen accepted etiquette and embolden people. Let’s call it feelings of entitlement. A birthday party, a graduation, and a housewarming are all occasions for guests to bring a gift, if they wish and of their own choosing. Do not feel blackmailed into gift-giving. —Prudie, voluntarily From: Welcome to My Party; Now Where’s My Gift? (From: September 19th, 2002). Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, I need some advice. A couple of months ago, my boyfriend and I broke up. We had been friends for over a year, and then we dated for six months. We have decided to “just be friends,” but every time we go out together, we end up being intimate. I don’t regret doing this, but my ex-boyfriend always apologizes and thinks that it’s not right for us to be doing these things. I want to tell him that I think we should be “friends with benefits,” but I don’t know how he will react, and I don’t wish to appear “slutty.” What do you think I should do? Please help! —Not sure Dear Not, For the “benefits” arrangement to work, both parties have to be comfortable with it. Because you two obviously have a physical attraction that has outlived the rest of the relationship, you need to lay your cards on the table. The cards would be: You’ve already been intimate; he’s not taking advantage of you; you feel perfectly comfortable with a no-strings romantic friendship. If it’s a problem for him, you will just have to find another “special naked friend,” as the kids say. —Prudie, realistically From: How to Hang On to Fringe Benefits (May 2nd, 2002). Dear Prudence, I couldn’t wait to get e-mail at my office, because I hate returning phone calls. Now I find I hate returning e-mails. What do I do? And what’s the proper etiquette for an e-mail kiss-off? How long can I keep saying, “Oh, I didn’t get it. Can you resend?” Sincerely, Anxious in Austin Dear Anxious, You have definitely identified a problem for the ’90s. I don’t think an etiquette has yet been formulated for this problem, so here are two jerry-built options: 1) Ignore things you wish to ignore, or 2) fluff off troublesome e’s with a brief reply. Something like “in haste” or “gotta run, but I got your message.” And, dare Prudie say this in an online magazine? You can always say that your server screwed up … sort of the electronic version of “the dog ate my homework.” —Prudie, briskly From: Tourist Trap? (March 21st, 1998). Find even more of our favorite Margo Howard letters from the 1990s here. Dear Prudence, I’m engaged to a wonderful man who has great parents, but recently his stepfather kissed me in a way that made me very uncomfortable. I come from a very loving and affectionate family where hugs and kisses are given all the time. But in this particular situation, when the stepfather kissed me his mouth was kind of open and his hand was in the middle of my back so I couldn’t pull away, and it lasted too long. Needless to say, being around him now makes me uncomfortable. Am I overreacting? Should I say something? I don’t know what to do. —Confused Dear Con, You are not overreacting. The stepfather is a swine. When you are next at the same gathering, take him aside and say something along these lines: “I am going to do you a big favor. I am not going to say anything to anyone about your last try at an entirely inappropriate kiss. Should you decide to try that one again, I shall tell my fiancee, his father, and his mother—your wife.” Do not be intimidated by his seniority or his future in-law status. You can also make it a point to stay as far from him as possible at family get-togethers. He has earned it. —Prudie, sternly From: Step Over the Line (October 12th, 2000). Dear Prudence, The question, in a nutshell, is this: How can I tactfully tell my downstairs neighbor that she makes WAY too much noise while having sex? There is nothing so mortifying as having friends over for dinner, making your way through a nice dinner and dessert, only to be interrupted by heaving and groaning sounds coming up through the floorboards. I have previously asked this woman to turn down her radio and TV. (The crazy thing is that I’m 27, she’s in her 40s, yet I’m the one complaining about the noise.) Please, please let me know of a subtle yet effective way I can let her know that her private moments are not so private. —Mortified, Disgusted, and Annoyed Dear Mort, Try this: Since you’ve previously mentioned the volume of her radio and TV, write her a note saying that during your last dinner party, your guests were mesmerized by whatever TV show she had on because it was playing much too loudly and sounded just like a couple having sex! She should get the message. If somehow she does not—due to dim bulb status—and you’re treated to the amorous “soundtrack” again, phone her and sweetly ask that she “turn the volume down.” If you are still plagued with this problem, forget about delicacy and leave her a note advising her of when you will be entertaining guests and request that her own entertaining be less vocal because you feel certain she has no idea of how the sound carries in your building. —Prudie, mutedly From: Where Did You Fling Your Ring? (December 20th, 2001). Dear Prudence, How do you respond to someone (a total stranger) who, out of nowhere, tells you to smile—or remarks on the lack of a smile on your face? In the past month I’ve observed many such incidents. For example, at the checkout line in my grocery store, there was a woman in front of me and a man in front of her. The man looked at the woman, who was not smiling, and said to her, “You must be having a bad day.” She mumbled something in reply and gave an apologetic smile. In another instance, a young man next to me at a sandwich shop, while placing his order, said to the young girl behind the counter, “Smile!” She quickly looked down at her work, cringed, and said, “Oh, it’s just been a long day, I guess.” When it’s happened to me, I know I’ve felt offended. I don’t want to be rude, but they’re out of line, aren’t they? I just would like to know how a person is supposed to respond to these people. —Smiling When I Feel Like It Dear Smile, These commentators are strangers? What’s up with that? Prudie thinks a proper response would be nonverbal communication. Something along the lines of knitting your eyebrows together, narrowing your eyes, and making the slightest sneer, all while cocking your head to a 45 degree angle. —Prudie, huffily From: Call the Whole Thing Off. (August 11th, 2005). Dear Pru, Here’s the situation. I have a wonderful, amazing, almost perfect boyfriend whom I’ve been with for about a year and a half. We’ve got a fantastic relationship. There’s just one itsy-bitsy problem. Actually, I don’t even know if it’s a problem, but other people SAY it is. My wonderful boyfriend purchases the occasional Playboy. And I don’t care. I even read them. (For the articles. Really!) He kind of makes a half-assed (no pun intended) attempt to hide them. If it’s from me or from innocent bystanders, I don’t really know. Regardless, I usually manage to stumble across them with no snooping involved. He never gets defensive about it when I find them. It’s a nonissue with us. With my friends, however, it’s a different story. When I have told them in the past about the Playboys, they are appalled and question how I can allow my boyfriend to disrespect me in such a manner. Doesn’t it bother me that he’s looking at other women like that? And the Playboys are just a “gateway drug” so to speak. Next thing he’s going to be cheating on me with hookers or lap dancers. It’s difficult to be indignant when I’m voraciously consuming that which I’m supposed to be railing against. I guess my question is: Is this disrespectful? —Feminist Who May Have Lost Her Way Dear Fem, Oh, please. It’s a magazine … and on the tame side, at that, from what Prudie understands “lad” magazines to be these days. Why are you even telling people his reading habits? In any case, don’t let your girlfriends get on your case. Respect—or lack of it—is shown by how a man treats you, not by what he reads. Plus, Prudie once wrote for them (when ice covered the earth), so how bad could it be? —Prudie, liberatedly From: My Love Runs Cold (November 4th, 2004). Dear Prudence, My wife and I are expecting our first child in October. She plans to continue working after we have our baby, and she is being bombarded by people who make her feel as if she’s an unfit mother for wanting to work outside the home. For example, a lady at our church told her she would NEVER let anyone else raise her baby. Others just ask how she could possibly leave her baby with someone else. Many just she give her a condescending look. Most of these comments come from people she does not even know! My advice to her was to look at them and respond that she would NEVER make anyone feel uncomfortable that she hardly knew. How would you recommend that she deal with this? She is nonconfrontational by nature, but someone needs to let these people know how they are making her feel. —Concerned Husband Dear Con, The ladylike response to these clods would probably be something along the lines of, “What a surprising thing to hear from someone I don’t know well.” A tougher response would be more along the lines of, “I do not recall asking your opinion.” Or … your wife might like to pass on these stats from the U.S. Department of Labor: As of 1998, 76.3 percent of women ages 25-34 worked. Out of women ages 35-44, 77.1 percent worked. (Both sets of figures would cover pretty much everyone able to belt out a baby.) Prudie has long felt that the reflexive, polite demur is not necessary when people are impertinently out of line, either with their advice or their questions. —Prudie, straightforwardly From: Allow Me to Introduce Myself (July 8th, 2004). Dear Prudence, I’ve known a guy for three months now. He lives in Seattle, and I am in New England. Over my spring break, he came to visit me. We had a wonderful time together. We kissed a couple times. Imagine, it was the first time I kissed a guy, and I am 25! When the break ended, he went back to Seattle. Just recently he told me that I am a terrible kisser—that I did not know how to reply to a kiss. I really love this guy. Because I do not know how to kiss properly, he wants to break up with me. He said, “Either you take some sort of kissing class, or this relationship is over.” What should I do? I do not want to lose him. Any ideas on how to kiss a guy? —Terrible Kisser Dear Ter, Prudie does have some ideas, but they are not easily communicated via the written word. Alas, some things are easier done than said. It is also unclear what this person meant by “reply.” He might have meant kissing him back … or something else. To Prudie’s knowledge, there are no “kissing classes.” The technique is just something one picks up along the way. Looking at the big picture, however, Prudie does not care for the way this chap stuck it to you. In addition, you two would have quite a commute. Perhaps the wise thing to do, given the circumstances, is to write him off. You and he had an unpleasant beginning, and it seems unlikely the two of you could … well, kiss and make up. Onward. —Prudie, regretfully From: Kiss, But Don’t Tell (July 31st, 2003). Dear Prudie, I don’t know what I am going to do. Maybe move to Fiji. I am only 20, but I know my life is over. My boyfriend, the same one I’ve had all through high school and two years of college, just dumped me. I know I am the laughingstock of the whole campus and that no man will look at me because “Jim” didn’t want me. I am considering changing schools and telling new friends that my boyfriend was killed in a car wreck. That way they won’t feel sorry for me. Can you think of a better excuse for why one would be boyfriendless? —Frantic in Arizona Dear Fran, You are being Molière than thou—far more dramatic than the situation warrants. There is no stigma to being cut loose from a relationship. It happens all the time. Prudie strongly recommends that you not bop out of your college or change your friends. Your romance, after all, was not as important to your colleagues as it was to you. If you feel you must say something, state that you mutually decided to explore a wider world. And a small PS: Some people choose to be “boyfriendless.” —Prudie, encouragingly From: Dumped and Desperate (June 20th, 1998). Dear Prudence, I live in a small apartment building, and I often help watch or play with my neighbor “Sarah’s” cat. Sarah’s uncle lives on a 200-plus acre farm. According to her, people often dump stray or feral cats on his property, and he shoots them. He happened to catch a cat in a trap when Sarah was visiting recently, and she volunteered to take him in. On the first day after she brought him home, I spent several hours helping the cat get adjusted to the apartment and Sarah’s first cat. Sarah said that her boyfriend checked some local lost and found pet forums and saw no listings for the new cat. I brought up the idea of posting on a particular site that helps reunite lost pets, but Sarah said she’d rather not do that. The young adult cat wasn’t neutered or microchipped, and she was certain that if he’d lived with people in the past, they must have intentionally dumped him on her uncle’s farm. I decided to post anyway without telling her, thinking it would soothe my conscience to do due diligence in advertising his presence with us. After nine days, I finally received a message from someone saying that the missing cat was his. By that point, Sarah had decided to keep the cat and had spent several hundred dollars on his initial vet care. On one hand, I feel terribly for the man who says the cat was his pet; if I currently had possession of the cat, I’d return him. On the other hand, the cat wouldn’t even be alive right now if Sarah hadn’t stepped in and stopped her uncle from killing him. I know she feels that the lack of vet care means that the cat wasn’t getting cared for properly before, and she wouldn’t be willing to return him now. She doesn’t know that I posted on the forum after she told me not to, let alone that someone messaged me. I now wish I’d never involved myself in this cat situation, and I feel so guilty. What should I do? — Over-Involved Cat Sitter Dear Cat Sitter, Get out of the situation. You really shouldn’t have gone looking for the cat’s owner since you were asked not to. Because you did, however—and found him, if his claim is true—you have created a problem that you must solve. I will play Cat God here and hope the cat stays with “Sarah.” She knows how to properly care for a pet, and has also invested several hundred dollars. From the respondent’s lackadaisical approach to the cat, you need not feel guilty about deciding to extricate yourself and letting Sarah keep the cat in peace. I doubt the man will be back in touch with you, but if he should, and ask, “Where’s the cat?” just say you were mistaken. Many cats do look alike, after all, and there’s even a French saying about that: “Tous les chats sont gris au noir.” From: Help! My Husband Is Completely Delusional About His Talents (January 24th, 2023). Dear Prudence, Please settle an ongoing dispute between my husband and me. My husband believes it is OK to floss his teeth while driving his car. (I am not making this up.) His teeth are very nice, but I believe this activity should be restricted to the privacy of the bathroom only. He does not see a problem doing this in public. Please respond. Sincerely, Mrs. Floss Dear Mrs., Prudie hesitates to ask what he is steering the car with. Flossing is not a one-handed maneuver. You are correct that it is not an activity meant for public viewing but, more important, seeing to one’s dental hygiene while driving a car poses a threat to oneself, as well as to others. Do tell Mr. Floss that Prudie implores him to find four minutes to do his admirable oral upkeep when he is outside of his automobile. From: Driving While Flossing (May 27th, 1999). Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Dating and Relationships Dear Prudence Family Sex