Seven signs you’re too close to your ‘work wife’ or ‘husband’

Calling someone you’re close to at work your “work wife” or “work husband” may seem like a bit of fun. Still, psychotherapists say that these relationships with colleagues can sometimes veer into dangerous territory, and there are warning signs to look out for. Mark Vahrmeyer, a UKCP registered psychotherapist says: “Calling somebody your ‘work wife’ or ‘work husband’ can legitimise a degree of intimacy, loyalty or emotional entitlement that we might otherwise recognise as needing clearer boundaries. If the relationship really is simply a close friendship with a colleague, we might reasonably ask why we need to borrow the language of marriage to describe it.” Why do so many of us find ourselves drawn to close friendships with colleagues? Vahrmeyer says: “Psychologically, a close friendship with a work colleague can allow us to reconnect with parts of ourselves that have become neglected. Somebody may feel more spontaneous, desirable or alive around a particular colleague and conclude that the colleague is uniquely special, when what they may actually be encountering is a part of themselves that has become dormant within their established relationship or wider life.” There is, of course, nothing inherently problematic about having a close, emotionally supportive relationship with somebody at work. We spend a significant part of our lives with colleagues, often in situations involving pressure, shared purpose and mutual reliance, so strong attachments naturally develop. Shorts Vahrmeyer says the difficulty begins when the relationship starts to serve a psychological function that is no longer simply friendly, particularly when emotional intimacy, loyalty and secrecy begin to shift away from the primary relationship and towards the colleague. Here, three psychotherapists explain the signs that your work relationship with a colleague may have the potential to damage your primary relationship, and how to identify healthy and unhealthy relationship dynamics with a colleague. There’s a shift in emotional solace Psychotherapist Shelly Dar says a healthy work friendship stays anchored in day-to-day workplace support and shared office humour. The dynamic turns damaging the moment a colleague replaces your partner as your main emotional sounding board. “If your first instinct is to text your work friend with big news, daily stress, or marital frustrations before you even talk to your partner, you are quietly redirecting core intimacy out of your marriage. Over time, your partner gets left with second-hand updates while the detail of your inner life is shared elsewhere,” says Dar. Over time, your partner gets left with second-hand updates while the detail of your inner life is shared elsewhere, says Dar You downplay your closeness with your spouse The line where an office bond becomes toxic rarely starts with overt flirting, it starts with what you don’t say, according to Dar. “If you find yourself deleting text threads, softening details about how often you hang out, or downplaying one-on-one lunches to keep your spouse ‘comfortable,’ a boundary has already been broken. Secrecy is always the tell. If the connection was genuinely harmless, you wouldn’t feel the need to curate or hide it from the person you live with,” says Dar. You find yourself jealous if someone else has their attention Vahrmeyer says jealousy can also reveal how deeply your feelings run: “If you feel disproportionately disappointed when the colleague is unavailable, irritated when they talk about their partner, or unsettled by their closeness to somebody else, then you may already be more emotionally invested than you have acknowledged.” You fall into a comparison trap Workplace relationships exist in a bubble. You only see your colleague dressed up, focused, and completely free from household chores, bills, or family stress. As Dar says: “It gets very easy to compare that polished, easy-going office persona against a tired partner who is managing the grind of daily life with you. Resentment builds when you expect a long-term marriage to feel as effortless as a work relationship that carries zero real-world responsibility.” It’s draining your emotional energy We only have so much patience, empathy, and humour to give in a single day. Dar says: “When you spend all your peak social energy on a workplace dynamic, you end up coming home on empty. Your partner gets what’s left over. That dynamic shows up clearly at home, partners pick up on the quiet distance, withdrawal, and lack of presence. If a work friendship consistently drains you to the point where you have nothing left for your spouse, it is actively undermining your marriage.” You’d be uncomfortable if the roles were reversed You may think your work relationship is all above board, but how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Integrative psychotherapist Jane Chapman says: “Ask yourself, would I be comfortable if my partner were doing exactly this with someone at work? If the answer produces discomfort or jealousy, that is worth paying attention to. It usually leads straight to the question of boundaries, have you and your partner ever actually talked about where the lines are? Is something missing at home? And could this be the wake-up call that helps you rebuild closeness and intimacy with your spouse, rather than a reason to feel guilty.” ‘Ask yourself, would I be comfortable if my partner were doing exactly this with someone at work? If the answer produces discomfort or jealousy, that is worth paying attention to,’ says integrative psychotherapist Jane Chapman How to identify a healthy vs an unhealthy work relationship dynamic How can you tell when you’ve crossed a line with a work colleague, even if you haven’t been intimate with them? Chapman says: “A healthy work spouse relationship has clear boundaries and no secrecy, your partner knows this person exists, knows roughly what your relationship looks like, and there’s nothing you’d feel uncomfortable with them overhearing. “An unhealthy one runs on secrecy rather than boundaries, messages you’d delete, plans you wouldn’t mention, a version of yourself you only bring out for this one person.” Guilt is often the tell. If you feel a flicker of guilt about a conversation or a moment, that’s your own intuition telling you where the line actually is, even before you’ve consciously drawn it.