Secrets

There are many secrets worth protecting — but some not so much.Every now and then I come across a dispute that makes me stop and wonder what are these people hiding?What could possibly be worth years of litigation? (Actually, that question comes up all the time.)The Appellate Division of the New York Supreme Court last week issued a ruling in a dispute that’s been going on for about five years. The ruling was that the state’s Office of Court Administration has to turn over memos giving legal guidance to judges.Why would this government agency not want to turn this stuff over? What secrets are buried in these legal guidelines? Wouldn’t it make sense for lawyers and anyone else who shows up in court to know what judges might want from them?I can only speculate.So I will. Here is some of the “guidance” that I believe almost certainly must be in those documents:Do not use the word “bribe.” If you’re offered a gift from a party before you, have the good manners to accept it without criticism or comment. You’re probably not getting a salary bump so make do with what you can get.Dinner. Have you tried that new Italian place in Queens? Under no circumstances, tell anyone about this. We want to be able to get reservations.Fashion standards. Either all attorneys, male or female, must expose their arms or cover them depending on your preference. This is a controversial issue so make certain your rule applies to everyone including spectators. No reason for unwashed rabble to fill your courtroom.If you’re feeling whimsical, require everyone in attendance to wear funny hats.Artificial intelligence. Make certain that attorneys do not use fictional AI references in their pleadings. You, however, can let superintelligence do its thing. No one will check.Day drinking. No one will blame you for needing a morale boost. Breath mints, however, are required.DnD dice. You can roll dice or consult the spirit world to make difficult decisions. Just don’t do it in open court. You never know if there’s wizard out there who could apply a hex.Timing. Time arguments from each side. The side that wastes the least amount of time wins.A record? Someone alert Guinness!I don’t know if this is a world record or not but you’ve got to be Impressed with this description of pleadings from a North Carolina federal judge’s ruling:“Plaintiffs filed a First Amended Complaint spanning 315 pages and 2083 paragraphs (excluding subparts)….“Plaintiffs filed their 166-page, 965 paragraph (excluding subparts) Second Amended Complaint…. Plaintiffs assert six causes of action that include as many as 15 claims within claims nested within each county, totaling approximately 50 sub-causes of action…..“Plaintiff pleads claims within claims within claims, and the claims-within-claims cross reference other claims-within-claims…. (T)he Complaint’s nested structure requires the Court and Defendant to reconstruct the claims by cross-referencing almost a thousand allegations.”Raise your hand if you think the judge read all of that complaint.You may be wondering what kind of lawsuit this was. Was it some kind of complex patent dispute of maybe an international money laundering conspiracy?Nope. Just a loan foreclosure. So it’s all the more impressive.The judge, by the way, dismissed the case — but without prejudice. He’s either a masochist or really wants to see what they could possibly come up with next.Categories / UncategorizedSubscribe to our free newslettersOur weekly newsletter Closing Arguments offers the latest about ongoing trials, major litigation and rulings in courthouses around the U.S. and the world, while the monthly Under the Lights dishes the legal dirt from Hollywood, sports, Big Tech and the arts.Additional Reads