Secret birthday bash I threw for my partner exposed his year-long double life – I’m so heartbroken

DEAR DEIDRE: I THREW a surprise for my partner’s 40th – but I was the one who got a shock when I found out he’d been living a double life. I’m 38, we have been together for six years and, as far as I knew, we were happy. For weeks, I’d been secretly organising the party, with my partner’s son. He’d kept insisting he didn’t want to make a fuss, but you only turn 40 once, and I wanted to do something nice for him. We booked his favourite pub, invited his family and even managed to track down some old friends he hadn’t seen in years. I was so excited to surprise him. When he walked through the door, everyone yelled, “Surprise!”, and he looked genuinely stunned. WhatsApp and Contact Dear Deidre WhatsApp, DM, or email our experienced counsellors for a free, comprehensive response. Everything was going well until one of his friends I hadn’t seen in months came over, gave me a hug and said: “So lovely you two got back together.” I was confused but laughed it off, thinking it was a misunderstanding. Then, later on, another friend asked whether I was OK and said they’d heard we’d split up. I knew something wasn’t right, and soon discovered they thought we had separated and that my partner had been seeing another woman. My stomach dropped. When I eventually confronted my partner later that night, he tried to deny everything — but eventually admitted he’d been seeing a woman from his gym for almost a year. I feel so heartbroken and humiliated. After everything we’ve built together, how could he make such a fool of me? DEIDRE SAYS: This wasn’t a one-off mistake. Your partner has been maintaining another relationship for almost a year, presumably letting his friends in on it, while allowing you to believe every-thing was fine. That is a huge betrayal, and you’re entitled to feel hurt and humiliated. Now, you need to decide what you want from this relationship going forward. If you choose to stay, your partner needs to understand that apologising is only the beginning. He must be willing to be open with you, regain your trust and prove through his actions that he is committed to your relationship. If you decide you cannot move past what he has done, give yourself permission to walk away, and focus on rebuilding your own life. My support pack, Cheating – Can You Get Over It?, can help you work through your options, and one called Moving On can offer advice if you decide it’s time to split. NOTHING FOR YEARS, NOW HE WANTS TO BE IDEAL DAD DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER three years of silence, my ex has suddenly decided he wants contact with our children, and I’m scared I won’t be able to protect them. I’m 34 and my kids are six and eight. Their dad left not long after our youngest was born. He would cancel weekend visits at the last minute, forget birthdays and disappear whenever things got difficult. His family weren’t much better. They would always make snide comments about my parenting and once turned up at my house after an argument, shouting threats through the letterbox while the children were upstairs. Eventually, I stopped chasing him to get involved and for three years, we’ve heard absolutely nothing. Then, last week, a letter arrived from the family court saying he had applied for a child arrangements order and wanted contact. My stomach dropped. My children barely remember him and have a nice, settled life without him. I’m terrified he will force his way back into their lives and upset them. DEIDRE SAYS: Don’t panic or agree to anything before getting proper legal advice. Keep records of previous incidents and any concerns about your children’s safety, and explain these clearly to the court. Contact childlawadvice.org.uk for guidance about your rights, and rightsofwomen.org.uk for free legal advice. My support pack, When Parents Fall Out, will also help. OK TO BED ESCORT IF LOVER IS ABROAD? DEAR DEIDRE: IF I were to pay for sex with an escort, would that really class as cheating? I just miss my girlfriend so much. We met online and, at the moment, she’s working out in Spain as a nanny. We are both 26. Before she went away, we used to have sex every day. But she’s currently away with her employers and the kids at their holiday home and it will be another month before she comes home again. We’ve tried sexting, and getting intimate on FaceTime, but it just isn’t the same as being able to feel each other. I know I shouldn’t even contemplate seeing an escort but there wouldn’t be an emotional connection and I’m feeling desperate for sex. DEIDRE SAYS: Yes, a contractual arrangement for sex is still cheating, however you look at it. You’d have to live with the guilt. And of course there is a chance your girlfriend could find out you’d been unfaithful and then you could lose it all. It would be a shame to risk jeopardising your relationship, for a few moments of sexual relief with a stranger. If your girlfriend wanted no-strings sex while she’s away, how would you feel about it? My support pack Looking After Your Relationship will help you explore how to strengthen your relationship in other ways. Get out with your friends too. It will make the time go so much quicker. SO ANXIOUS OVER WORK ON HOME DEAR DEIDRE: A BURST pipe turned our dream home into a building site and we now live out of suitcases. I’m 36, my wife is 34, and we have a nine-month-old son. We bought our first house less than two years ago and were so happy to have finally put down some roots. Then, after a weekend away, we came home to water pouring through the ceiling. A pipe had burst in the loft and several rooms were soaked. Within days, damp and mould started appearing and an inspection found damage behind the walls, too. After that, our insurance company agreed the house wasn’t safe to live in and arranged for repairs to begin. That was five months ago. Since then, we’ve been moving between our parents’ spare rooms. It’s been exhausting. The builders keep pushing dates back and we can’t seem to get a straight answer any time we ask for an update. I hate seeing my wife so stressed and feel awful that our baby has no proper home. My anxiety is through the roof and I’m struggling to see any light at the end of the tunnel. DEIDRE SAYS: Five months of this kind of uncertainty would test anyone, especially if they have a young baby. Keep pushing your insurer and builders for clear timescales and ask for updates in writing so that you have a clear record of what you have been told. If the delays continue, ask what alternative accommodation or further support may be available under your policy. Don’t struggle with this alone. Contact Shelter (shelter.org.uk, 0808 800 4444), which offers free advice about housing problems. My support packs, Help For Stress and Living With Anxiety, offer advice, too.