Rhymes and resilience: Illest Morena raps her truth

Since 2021, female emcee Illest Morena has fought tirelessly for a seat at the table in the local hip-hop scene. Back when she first started, she could only count the number of active Filipina rappers on one hand. But even when it appeared that the less competition there was, the better, it remained a big challenge for her and her fellow “femcees” to actually get people to listen. It was Illest’s hunger (and outright audacity) as a newcomer that powered her through that — and it was precisely how she lured new listeners into her craft in the first place. There was a fearlessness that came with putting out every new song, and an intense desire to prove herself to the public early on. “I wasn’t scared when I started. Ibang-iba ang gigil ng isang rookie. Kapag rookie ka (The grit of a rookie is totally different. When you’re a rookie), you don’t think about the consequences of what’s gonna happen. You don’t think about the outcome. You only think about the possibilities of the things you wanna do,” she told Rappler. Now, she’s entering her fifth year in the industry with her head held high. She carries herself differently this time — with the consolation of knowing who she truly is despite what those around her may say, and a new air of confidence she got from towering over all the noise. Silver linings When it comes to public perception, rappers are often thought to have a steady sense of self-assurance. Many of them are seen as headstrong individuals who are unfiltered, and are able to easily tune out the hate they may get in return. Illest is as outspoken as ever. It shows not just in her autobiographical approach to music, but in the views she expresses as a human being. At the end of the day, however, she is a human being before anything else. “A lot of people think that I don’t get hurt by the words they say kasi kita mo naman wala din silang preno magsalita sa akin eh. Feeling siguro nila hindi naman ako masasaktan or hindi ko naman mapapansin yun. But I internalized a lot of those words that they said about me and that they said to me. It took a lot of self-healing for me to get to the point where I kind of got immune na nga sa mga sinsasabi nila,” she confessed. (A lot of people think I don’t get hurt by the words they say because they have no filter when they speak to me. They probably think I won’t get hurt or I won’t pay attention to what they say. But I internalized a lot of those words that they said about me and that they said to me. It took a lot of self-healing for me to get to the point where I kind of became immune to what they say.) Now wise beyond her years, the Illest we see now was molded by countless experiences that only a woman in a largely male-dominated space could have. There was a time when the Illest who was unafraid to pour out her deepest thoughts for everyone else to see appeared to have faltered. “Later on in my career, when I reached some kind of traction, doon pumasok ‘yung pressure (that’s when the pressure came in) and being afraid to speak out, and being afraid of detractors. [There was] this pressure to look and seem perfect all the time. That was one of the fears I developed as I went on in the industry,” she admitted. For a year, she had stopped releasing solo tracks, her public performances became limited, and her once steady social media presence dwindled, too. “I wasn’t posting that much on social media because I gained weight. And being a female artist, part of your currency is your looks. And it hurt me because that time I realized that you guys were kind of just objectifying me. Are you guys really listening to my songs? Do you guys really like me for my talent? Or is it just because I look like this? Is it because I present myself this way?” she explained. It was then an uphill battle for Illest to come to terms with loving herself no matter what form she came in — even if it meant having to fight hard to convince herself that she liked what she saw whenever she stood in front of the mirror. “I’m still writing the same songs, the same message. What just changed was how I looked, and it hurt me. It offended me. But when I look in the mirror now, I can say to myself, ‘I’m proud of you no matter how you look. With your bed hair, kahit kakagising mo lang or wala kang ligo (even if you just woke up or haven’t showered), I am proud of myself no matter what happens.’” It was tough, and Illest will be the first to admit that. Still, like the fighter she is, she learned to use it to her advantage. Instead of retreating and boxing herself in, she stood firmly and peeled her mask off for good. “I think now, kaya lumalabas na lalo ‘yung personality ko sa (the reason why my personality comes out more on) social media and I’m being more active, is because I’ve kind of learned that lesson and I gained this newfound confidence that I never would’ve found if I didn’t gain weight or if I didn’t get these bashers on social media. No matter what they say, or no matter what I look like, this is me. I’m a baddie,” she added. Two sides to Illest When she’s not on stage, Illest Morena is Angelica Layague. Angelica is quiet, enjoys her own company, and appears to be a bit more reserved than the fierce performer that struts around the platform like she owns it. “[There’s] this private version of me where I love journaling. I love scrapbooking. People don’t know that about me because they think that when they see me, I’m like a fighter. That’s what they see but they don’t know I love to do affirmations: ‘I am beautiful. I am great.’ And I like talking to myself sometimes. And they don’t see that. But when I go to TikTok, you guys see a little bit of that version of myself. I’m kind of funny and crazy.” @illestmorena HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA ANO BA TO ♬ original sound – Illest Morena But when it comes time to get behind the mic, Illest Morena goes through a complete transformation. Once she’s surrounded by a crowd waiting to hear her spit bars, she emanates a sort of aura that can’t seem to be shaken. She attests that she gets it all from her fans. “Masaya ako kapag nakikita ko talaga ‘yung mga fans. Sila ‘yung nagbibigay sa akin nung extra extroverted version of myself kasi nga ‘di ba, medyo mahiyain ako in real life, as Angelica, not as Illest Morena,” she told Rappler. (I’m really happy when I see my fans. They bring out the extra extroverted version of myself because I’m quite shy as Angelica, not as Illest Morena.) “But when I see their faces, it makes me wanna show out and show off so that they get their money’s worth when they pay for tickets.” For five years and counting now, fans have come to love Illest’s signature flavor R&B and hip-hop — catchy, and deeply rooted in what’s personal to the artist. Her music has always been autobiographical, in the sense that it captures Illest in all her seasons, even the ones she’s long outgrown. The core of Illest’s artistry was what remained unchanged all these years. This time, though, her catalogue has taken on a new form, one that’s even more raw and vulnerable. And in doing that, Illest has no regrets. “I’d rather have people see me as I am than see me as something I’m not, and then they expect something from that version of me or that mask that I have or put me on a pedestal. I don’t like that,” Illest told Rappler. Fueled by delusion In year five, Illest is on a roll. She’s more grounded in her sense of self, and she’s achieving milestone after milestone to boot. The 24-year-old “femcee” already has a long list of joint bangers to her name (think “Lagabog” feat. Skusta Clee and “Quickie” feat. Hev Abi to name a few) — and she’s determined to keep it coming. She just never would have thought her next collaborator would be Apl.de.Ap, who not only knew her by name when they first met, but was well aware of Illest’s impact in the local music scene. When the Black Eyed Peas star reached out for a potential feature on an upcoming song, it was an instant “yes” for Illest. “It felt like I had to live up to the first impression because he said he heard I was one of the best here. I don’t want him to think otherwise,” Illest shared in a mix of English and Filipino. Then came “Wind It,” a summery, reggaeton-inspired track featuring Apl.de.Ap, Fana, and Illest herself. These opportunities don’t just get handed to Illest, though. They all come as a result of years of grit and — cliche as it sounds — unapologetic belief in yourself. Illest, then, has this to say: “Be very delusional with your self-belief. And also, never let one mistake or a challenge bring you down. Because it’s just part of learning, part of growing, and part of upgrading into this better version of you.” That’s Illest Morena for you. – Rappler.com