QUENTIN LETTS: The PM flicked through his folder with rising panic. He knew he had a fact in there somewhere

See more Daily Mail on Google - save us as a Preferred Source Published: 13:55 EDT, 9 September 2026 | Updated: 13:55 EDT, 9 September 2026 Such things should happen only in nightmares. Andy Burnham, still wearing L-plates, could not find the desired page of his notes at PMQs. Kemi Badenoch kept asking questions – damn, prickly questions – and our new Prime Minister flicked urgently through his A4 folder. He thought he had a useful fact somewhere. But where was the blasted thing?Back six pages. Flick, flick, lick of fingertip. Nope. Forward ten. Flick, flick. Increasing pressure. A hot flush at the back of his neck. Rising panic.Preparing the file is a ceremonial responsibility of a PM’s parliamentary private secretary. At present this person is Sir Nic Dakin, who at 71 is old for the job and about as sharp as a half-sucked fruit gum. He was sitting behind Mr Burnham, leaning forward, but not imparting much useful advice.Mrs Badenoch finished a question about defence funding and, aargh, that wretched Chagos Islands business which was going to cost ‘£35billion’. She had noticed her opponent’s difficulties with his file and had remarked, ‘Let me tell him what may not be in his notes’. Mr Burnham, red in the face, kept flicking through his file. At the moment Mrs Badenoch finished, he finally thought he had found what he wanted. He rose to the despatch box, peered down at those notes through his smudged spectacles and found that he had in fact turned to two completely empty pages. One was pink. One was white.This would normally be when the alarm clock rang and you could tell your wife: ‘I just had a hellish dream.’ Poor Mr Burnham only had gibbering, twitchy Ed Miliband on one side and a rigid Shabana Mahmood on the other. Neither of them was any help.By this time Mr Burnham had already committed a blooper by saying that national security could ‘not come at the expense of social security’. Mrs Badenoch was so amazed by this unexpected admission that he intended to carry on splurging on welfare spending that she laughed. ‘I cannot believe he said that.’ When Mr Burnham then said ‘here’s the Labour way’, the Conservatives shouted ‘tax! tax!’ When asked about defence funding at PMQs, a red-faced Andy Burnham flicked through his folder in search of an answer, only to end up turning to two completely empty pages Kemi Badenoch noticed the Prime Minister's difficulties with his file and teased, ‘Let me tell him what may not be in his notes’Mrs Badenoch dubbed him ‘Continuity Keir’. Labour MPs glowered in silence and Mr Miliband muttered to himself, throwing his gaze to the ceiling. Lunatic on a bus-station bench.Eventually there was only one course of action left to the PM: get rid of that stupid folder. On to the floor it went. He stepped up to the despatch box and gave a long, slow, defiant spiel about his new position on Israel. This was at least enough to win a relieved cheer from his backbenchers, who are delighted with that policy.At this second PMQs his delivery was again painfully slow. There were whimsical moments, including some joshing with the Speaker, a fellow northerner, about how much they both liked the south of England. Mr Burnham is less annoying than Sir Keir Starmer. But his dialectical weakness is alarming. I don’t remember him being this hopeless 17 years ago.Sir Ed Davey was his normal simpering self. Mr Burnham: ‘That’s a fair question.’ There are few respects in which the Lib Dems are a party of opposition.Last week, Mr Burnham agreed to a meeting with the infamously windy Andrew George (Lib Dem, St Ives). This week he agreed to meet the equally unscintillating Alberto Costa (Con, S Leics). Cocooned with Costa for an hour to discuss local government? A punishment beating.As the session ended there was great ministerial rejoicing. The new Chief Whip, Anneliese Midgley, embraced Mr Miliband. Mr Miliband patted Mr Burnham, taking ownership of him. Lucy Powell pushed her way into the throng. Lots of them cooed and whooped at Mr Burnham, despite the minor disaster he had just endured.The one consolation for him is that the House rises on Tuesday for the party conferences. No PMQs for a month. A few weeks to luxuriate in power without having to formulate arguments. Phew.