Psychologists’ ‘5-year-stranger theory’ is comforting in a world where relationships come and go

If you look around and think of the people you interact with every day that you consider friends, do you honestly think you’ll still be close in five years? Whether it’s the coworker you have lunch with every day, the neighbor who just moved in that you see for drinks on the weekend, or the girl that your best friend has been dating for a year or so, these are all relationships based on proximity, and if that’s gone, will the relationship continue? The idea that you’re only close to your friends for about five years or so, and then they slowly drift away, is known as the 5-year-stranger theory. “The framing across the internet is that this drifting apart is a natural evolution of friendship and part of personal growth,” Amanda Burback, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Mellow Therapy in Los Angeles, told Vice. “It’s not a failure of friendship by any means; it’s more the natural evolution of personal growth and personal relationships.” “A lot of that is because friendships are often tied to a shared context of where you are in your life at that moment, whether you’re working the same job, living in the same city or neighborhood, maybe you both recently had children, or both got puppies, whatever it might be,” says Burback. “When the context changes, the friendship can often change with it, not because anyone did anything wrong. It’s just natural growth and different life transitions.” Female friends holding each other. Photo credit: Canva It can be upsetting to think that some of the people you enjoy today may be someone you rarely talk to in a few years. But slowly, the texts stop, and you say, “We gotta hang out and catch up,” but that day never happens. Most of the time, you never know when the last day you spend face-to-face with a good friend will be. But it’s also comforting to know that the true nature of friendship is that most fade, and to appreciate them while they’re around. It’s like “Campfire Theory,” which suggests we are all just sitting by a campfire, and some stop by for a spell to enjoy your warmth and energy, and then move on. Others stay ’til the last ember burns out. Roasting marshmallows over a fire. Photo credit: Canva Is the 5-year-stranger theory real? A social media study by Stockholm University, entitled “Changes in personal relationships: How social contexts affect the emergence and discontinuation of relationships,” found that over seven years, only 48% of a person’s close contacts remained in their network. Only 30% of them still played the same role as a personal friend or practical helper. Interestingly, over the seven years, the size of a person’s network stayed stable, with some people moving in and others moving out. It may be a letdown to realize that many of the people you’re close with today may not be in your inner circle in seven years. The social media trend and study are a wake-up call to be a good steward of your friendships and, if the context changes, to keep in touch and make plans so the friendship doesn’t fade. If you stay in touch with that coworker who got a new job, or your neighbor who moved to another city, you can maintain the friendship; it’s just a little harder when the context isn’t working in your favor.