Police found my dad walking down a motorway sliproad – it’s overwhelming looking after him and my family

Hayley’s father was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s three years ago (Picture: Supplied) Hayley O’Rourke knew something was wrong when she told her father, Tony, that her marriage had ended. ‘My dad as I knew him would have said: “Oh my gosh, are you okay? What do you need?” But he just replied: “I need to go and get the wormer from the vets”.’ It was a huge shock to Hayley as the two were incredibly close. As a child, she had lived with her dad from the age of nine after her parents split up and the pair even worked together at Airbus, with Hayley in HR and her dad working as an aerospace engineer. ‘He was funny, outgoing, he helped me out with everything. He was incredible – just the best dad,’ 39-year-old Hayley remembers. It’s a stark contrast to who 76-year-old Tony is now. Hayley and her dad were very close growing up (Picture: Supplied) Ask Metro Use AI to go deeper into the stories you care about – powered by Metro and trusted publications. ‘It’s like chalk and cheese. It’s like I don’t know him anymore. It’s like living with a stranger,’ says Hayley. Early signs 10 years ago, Tony moved in with his daughter and her then-husband Keiran. Hayley began to notice that her dad was making unusual decisions at work and struggling to understand social cues. One day, he scratched the side of his car on a neighbour’s wall and, instead of stopping and dealing with it, simply drove off. Hayley encouraged him to speak to his GP, but it took him four years to ask for help. ‘He told me he’d been to the doctor and everything was fine. Or I’d book him an appointment and he’d cancel it. He dismissed it as old age, but I knew it wasn’t. My dad’s personality was changing in front of me,’ she tells Metro from her home in Bristol. Tony had to have his driving liscence removed when he was diagnosed (Picture: Supplied) Following an assessment three years ago, Tony received a devastating call that revealed he had Alzheimer’s disease and would have to give up his driving licence. ‘He got extremely aggressive on the phone. It cut him deep, because that was his freedom,’ recalls Hayley. ‘He didn’t accept it. He still won’t to this day. He does not think there’s anything wrong with him.’ A constant worry These days, Hayley has a lot on her plate. She works full-time while caring for her dad at home, co-parenting her two children, Niamh, 13, and Tadhg, 10, and building a new life with partner Adam and his three children. When Hayley talks to Metro over Zoom, Tony is in another room, sitting with a piece of paper, ‘sorting some work out’. At other times, he will stare at the television without really taking anything in.Describing her day, Hayley says her first task each morning is making sure Tony has showered, while also preparing his breakfast and administering his medication. Then she turns her attention to the kids, the dog, the cat and getting herself ready for work. Some days she works from home, others, she slips out of meetings to check on her dad via cameras to make sure he is safe. He may ask where his lunch is. She will tell him it’s in the fridge, but he might reply that there is no fridge. Hayley has two children and cares for her dad who lives with her and her partner (Picture: Supplied) Tony wears an AirTag, but is a constant source of worry. During the recent heatwave, he left the house alone, putting himself at risk of dehydration. ‘Not too long ago he was found by the police walking onto a motorway slip road. He told them he was trying to get home, which is really sad,’ Hayley says. Once a hands-on grandad who loved all the noise and chaos that came with children, Tony now finds it stressful and will sometimes angrily tell his grandchildren to ‘shut up’. It is difficult when all five children are there, admits Hayley. ‘He used to love company, loved parties. Not any more.’ The sandwich carer epidemic Being one of the 1.4million sandwich carers in the UK forced to care for a parent as well as their kids, Hayley does not want to moan about her life, but neither does she want to sugarcoat the truth. On her Instagram account, she documents the harsh realities of caring for someone with dementia. She speaks about the time she had to hide his razor because her dad was shaving so often that his face became red raw. Or an occasion when he stood at the bottom of the stairs demanding to be taken to the airport on a Saturday morning. Then there was the time he tried to feed the cat grapes. Hayley constantly has to ensure her dad is safe (Picture: Supplied) Reflecting on their life now, Hayley confesses that she feels she has already lost her dad. ‘The other day we were over Clifton Suspension Bridge, and he told me he built it,’ she says sadly. ‘Or sometimes will tell me that his mates had come over, but I know he’s been on his own all day. ‘I find that really hard. People say caring for your loved ones is a privilege, but I don’t find it a privilege, because I know how much he would hate who he is now. ‘Some days you become snappy. The reality of doing it day in, day out, with normal life thrown in, dealing with children, work and relationship pressures – it is extremely difficult.’ As an only child, Hayley can’t book an overseas holiday because she can’t get guaranteed care, so this summer the family will go camping in Cornwall for a week, leaving Tony with a carer that costs more than their monthly mortgage payment. Making a difference To stay sane, Hayley runs and has raised over £10,000 for the Alzheimer’s Society, running seven half marathons in seven days, and carrying out a 24-hour race. In September she will run 100 miles in five days to earn more cash for charity. Hayley on her seventh half marathon (Picture: Supplied) She has raised over £10,000 for Alzheimers Society (Picture: Supplied) When asked about how all the responsibility makes her feel, Hayley becomes tearful. ‘I find it really, really overwhelming,’ she admits. ‘There is a lot of juggling. The mental load is heavy. ‘But I’m an extremely resilient person – I’ve had to be. I’m really positive. I just keep going, probably to my own detriment. ‘My mindset is that you can’t control what happens to you, you can only control how you react. I’m either going to do it and moan or do it and not moan. And that’s the route I’m going to take.’ If you’re worried about yourself, or someone close to you, Alzheimer’s Society’s dementia symptom checklist can help you start a conversation with a GP. Visit alzheimers.org.uk/checklist or call their Dementia Support Line on 0333 150 3456. Arrow MORE: My date’s revelation led me to storm out and delete his number Arrow MORE: ‘I’ve lived on the Falkland Islands all my life – this is what it’s really like’ Arrow MORE: The heatwave was leaving me sexually frustrated – until I found the answer