Our Twins Keep Screaming at Each Other Over the Same Thing. I Have the Solution, But They Don’t Want to Hear It.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Deagreez/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, My husband and I have three kids. Our older kids, “Andrew” and “Nancy,” are 10-year-old boy/girl twins. In our house, the twins share a room, and our younger kid has a much smaller room to herself. Over the past year, Andrew and Nancy have been bickering more and more. Things they used to ignore or laugh off, like one of them putting their clothes away in the wrong spot, or one accidentally spilling something on the other one’s desk, are now suddenly big arguments that can affect the whole household. Nancy slept on the couch in the basement on Friday night after she instigated a screaming match with Andrew at dinner (because he’d knocked her glasses off her desk while she was in the shower and hadn’t put them back). Speaking of our basement: It would be very easy to transform part of it into a bedroom for one of the twins. It used to be an office, back when my husband and I both worked from home, but now that we’re both at the office full time, it’s not being used. But neither Andrew nor Nancy wants the new room. Their little sister has offered to take it, but neither of them wants her room, either. Apparently they want to keep sharing a room, despite how much stress it causes both of them. I know they genuinely love each other, and they seem to still enjoy spending time together, but their bickering gets so out of control that this situation is untenable. My husband and I are on opposite ends of this, however: I want to force one of them (probably Nancy) to move downstairs. My husband thinks that since they are nearly 11, they are old enough to decide for themselves. —Roommate Rumbles Dear Rumbles, I don’t think you should force either of them to move, and I don’t think you should allow your children’s bickering to affect the whole household. If they want to continue to share a room despite what’s going on between them right now, let them. They’re going through growing pains, I’d call it, and individuation to boot (right on time, too, as “nearly 11” is the age when major shifts occur for most children: religious crises if they’ve been raised in a faith tradition; the knowledge that their parents don’t, after all, know everything, and the thrill and anxiety that accompany this revelation; and puberty and its many changes just ahead [not an exhaustive list]). They are working something out. Let them work it out with each other. You’ve let them know that a room is available in the basement. Their sister has let them know that she’s willing to give up her room. The only thing I’d do, beyond that, if I were you, is the bare minimum to set up that former office space as a potential bedroom. So don’t decorate it, don’t move anyone’s bedroom furniture into it, but clear it out of everything that’s currently in it, give it a fresh coat of neutral paint if it’s dingy, and remind all three of your kids that when the time comes that they all want to have their own rooms, the third bedroom stands ready. If their bickering bothers you, calmly tell them to take it to their room, the basement, or outdoors. If one of them is angry enough to sleep elsewhere after an argument, let them do it; don’t even comment on it. I know it upsets you that your children are fighting. But this is their fight, for their own reasons. I don’t think you should try to manage it, for their sake or for yours. I guarantee that the way things are right now won’t last forever (and probably won’t last even a year). They will want separate rooms. I’ll give you this: If they still want to share a room a year from now—whether they’re still at odds or they’ve gotten through this and are friends again—tell them it’s time. When they’re ready—or you have to tell them they’re ready—I’d suggest you sit down with all three kids and come up with a fair, random system for divvying up the three rooms available. In the meantime, perhaps you should take up meditation … or running, Pilates, or yoga. Anything that will help you de-stress during this phase of your children’s lives. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, My husband, “Luis,” and I have a daughter, “Mia,” who just turned 4 a couple of weeks ago. At Mia’s party, my mother-in-law presented her with a pair of earrings and told her she would take her to get her ears pierced as soon as possible so she could wear them. My daughter’s ears are not pierced, and I have no intention of allowing it until she’s at least 10. My mother-in-law became furious when I explained this, and she stormed out. She’s been working on Luis to try to convince me ever since. I’ve told him to tell his mother where she can stick the earrings, and I am no longer going to let her have Mia by herself because I don’t trust her not to take her to get her ears pierced behind our backs. Luis says I’m taking things too far. Please tell me I’m not! —Earring Enmity Dear Earring, Can we split the difference? Spare the insults. Stick to your guns about not leaving Mia with her grandmother. (I’m with you: There is every chance she’d get Mia’s ears pierced at the first opportunity.) Put the birthday earrings away. Mia is young enough to forget about them soon enough. Let your mother-in-law know (politely, please) that you will give Mia the lovely earrings once her ears are pierced, when you consider her old enough. If she objects, return the earrings to her, doing your best to sound regretful about it. This woman is going to be in your life—and in your daughter’s life—for many years. Why would you want to go to war with her? Even if she fired the first shot. Ever Gotten a Call From Human Resources? Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir want to hear about it—and help you navigate your problems at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here! Dear Care and Feeding, My 3-year-old daughter “Claire” went as Bluey for Halloween. Nearly three weeks have now passed since Halloween, and Claire still refuses to wear anything but the damn costume. Even at daycare, which hasn’t been helped by accommodating her. I say it’s time for her to go back to wearing her normal clothes, but my wife sees nothing wrong with indulging her. I think it’s because she doesn’t want to deal with the screaming fits that ensue when we’ve tried taking the costume away. Isn’t it important to establish boundaries while Claire is young so we don’t teach her she can get her way with a big enough tantrum? —Halloween is Over Dear Halloween, Oh, for goodness sake. She’s 3. Let her wear the costume every day for as long as she wants. What’s it to you? It is not important to “establish boundaries” of this kind while she’s young. It’s important to pay attention to what matters (who cares what she wears?), to love her, to keep her safe and warm and well fed, and to rejoice in who she is. While Claire is this young, you might consider learning to pick your battles. —Michelle More Advice From Slate My husband played college basketball, and he coaches my 8-year-old son’s basketball team. When I tell you that my husband loves basketball, I mean he probably loves it more than any living thing outside of our family. The problem is that he’s really rough on our son. He makes him practice outside in the cold at odd hours of the day and night, yells at him a lot, and praises him very little. Advice Family Kids Parenting