Our Neighbors Have a Particular Way of Dealing With Loose Dogs. My Daughter Won’t Listen.

Dear Prudence I can predict what will happen. Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Sept 16, 20266:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Anton Vierietin/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, We retired to a fairly rural area, and our house is only fenced off on three sides, with the carport open. We are surrounded by working farms, and people openly carry guns. Not only is it legal, but our county has a big problem with animal dumping. Every awful person thinks they can throw out Fido and Kitty, and some poor sap will take them in. But what happens is that if the sheriff doesn’t put them down, the farmers will. The problem is our daughter has a collie mix that doesn’t walk or train. The minute the dog sees an open door, he is out, and we all have to frantically run to get that mutt. Our daughter has already gotten in trouble with other family members for refusing to leave the dog with a sitter or in a kennel. She is banned from her brother’s home after the dog went after their elderly cat and nipped our daughter-in-law when she tried to drag it away. My daughter refuses to see reason and acts like an idiot victim. Our daughter wanted to visit but kept ignoring her mother and me telling her to keep the dog away. I finally had enough and bluntly told her that if the dog got out and was shot, she’d better not cry because she would have no one to blame. This upset her, and she canceled the visit, and now my wife is upset with me. We could have been more “gentle.” Everyone tried to be gentle until we turned blue in the face. Nothing sinks in with our daughter. Her dog is reactive, uncontrollable, and aggressive. I can already see the writing on the wall and know what will happen if it goes after some livestock or, God forbid, a kid. Short of my daughter never visiting anyone else’s homes, what do we do here? —Dog DamnedDear Dog Damned, Do you disagree that you should have been gentler? Did it feel impossible to say, “Several dogs have been shot by neighbors here. Please make sure to keep Daisy on her leash when you visit. We would hate to see anything happen to her?” Or even, “After the biting incident, we’re not comfortable having her at our house”? It’s clear that you’re deeply frustrated with—I might even say disgusted by—your daughter’s approach to dog ownership and possibly by her overall character. It also seems to me that you couldn’t wait to lash out at her in a way you imagined might scare her into changing her ways. It didn’t work. You only succeeded in alienating her. Try thinking of it this way: You are responsible for your own safety, your comfort in your own home, and your side of your relationship with your daughter. Your daughter is responsible for her dog’s relationship with the rest of the world. Even if she’s doing an awful job with that responsibility, it’s hers. Pissing her off while having absolutely zero impact on the way she cares for and trains her pet is pretty much the worst approach to this situation. Call her and tell her you’re sorry for overstepping. Reiterate whatever the rules for dogs are at your house. Then invite her back over. Classic Prudie I am a struggling college student up to my ears in loans and am estranged from my family. (I am gay and an atheist; they are deeply Catholic.) I have roomed with “Natalie” since freshman year. Natalie has many mental issues. She is school-brilliant, but socially not so much. I spent a lot of my first two years with her, pulling her out of the dorm and into socializing. She has a private therapist and is doing much better, but she still relies on me for a lot… Advice Dear Prudence Family