Our Mother Has Secretly Made Our Brother Her Power of Attorney. He’s Making Some Really Big Mistakes.

Pay Dirt Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by AndreyPopov/Getty Images Plus. Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Pay Dirt, My sister and I recently discovered by accident that our 91-year-old mother replaced us as executor and power of attorney with our brother, “Tristan,.” We also found out that she added him to all her bank accounts. This happened over two years ago, and neither mentioned it despite numerous calls and get-togethers. Our mother gave Tristan up for adoption as an infant, and he only came into our lives eight years ago. Having him in our family has been a genuinely lovely experience. I’m thrilled she now lives near Tristan and he can help her. Our mother is mentally competent, and we respect her decisions. But I’m troubled that several of Tristan’s recommendations to her seem rooted in fear. When she suspected a bank teller of stealing, Tristan said he could only help if she added him to her accounts. He asked her to add his children to her will as specific cash gifts, paid before the remainder. Most troubling, he advised her to remove my sister’s special-needs son, saying an inheritance would cost him his government benefits. That’s not necessarily true: Inheritances can be structured to protect those benefits, but Tristan never consulted my sister. Can you give my mother—and other elderly people—advice on accepting financial help while keeping their money legally theirs? —Help not Control Dear Help Not Control, Since your mother is mentally competent, I think you should start by asking her to share all of her estate plans with you, alone, without your sister or Tristan in the room. Then, you can see exactly what she has chosen to do and ask why. If you find out that she has excluded your nephew, I think it’s fair to ask her why she wouldn’t put a share into a third-party special needs trust for her him. This would protect his ability to get government benefits down the line. It’s also important to understand why she is putting Tristan’s children above all others, if that’s indeed what’s happened. Asking doesn’t mean telling her those choices are wrong. But, it will help you understand what’s going on. It’s possible your mother is trying to make up for all the years she wasn’t there for her son. Giving away a baby for adoption had to have been one of the saddest days of your mother’s life. You had her love and affection for your whole life. She may be trying to find a balance she and Tristan can live with. Here’s something to think about: As a co-owner on her accounts, he equally owns all of the money or assets. He can withdraw cash from those accounts at will. Co-ownership also grants him survivorship rights; he’ll automatically own everything in every account on which he is a co-owner, no matter what her will says. It’s worth asking if he is the named beneficiary on any other investment accounts or insurance policies as well. Putting Tristan on her accounts as a co-owner with rights of survivorship isn’t the only way your mother can protect her money from fraud. Banks and investment companies allow customers to set up a convenience account (sometimes called an agency account, authorized signer, or attorney-in-fact account, depending on the bank). That kind of account would allow the authorized agent (you, Tristan, or your sister) to write checks, pay bills, and catch a bad transaction. But the money is owned by your mother. (You’ll have to ask the bank specifically what they offer.) Banks will also allow her to name a trusted contact (or contacts) they can work with if something comes up. Also, all banks have fraud departments that can freeze an account and investigate when something looks wrong. It’s possible that Tristan didn’t realize there were other ways to handle this. Have you asked him? Perhaps after you’ve talked with your mother and viewed her estate plan, you can have a conversation with him. After all, until this came up, you had a good relationship. What’s nagging at you is wondering whether Tristan has set things up to enrich himself at your mother’s expense. And, if that’s the case, then there’s a bigger problem you’ll have to address with your mom. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Pay Dirt, I need some help understanding a trust with limited information. My grandparents on my dad’s side set up a trust that, to my knowledge, is worth a couple million that include stocks. My parents divorced when I was young, and my mom always said the inheritance from my grandparents would be split between their daughter, my dad, and my brother and me. My grandfather has sadly passed and my grandmother’s health is declining (dementia so I can’t ask her). I asked my dad about any inheritance I may receive. He let me know the will split everything between his sister and him and there wouldn’t be anything for me. Then, he recently said he was going to pay my student loans off with some of the trust money. I was very grateful. He is emailing me something I will need to sign so that the trust can be officially split between his sister and him so she won’t have to sign off on the student loan money withdrawal. Do you ever have to have the recipient of funds, in this case me, sign off on getting money? My heart was telling me that this is fishy and that maybe I am a beneficiary and he’s trying to get me to sign off on my portion? If I was a beneficiary, would someone have told me or how would I even find out? —Who to Trust Dear Who to Trust, Trust yourself. If your gut tells you something’s wrong with this picture, there probably is. Let’s start with the fact that your dad is asking you to sign something. If you have to sign something, that means you’re a beneficiary. And, I’m guessing the paperwork probably won’t be in your favor, which is why your dad is suggesting he’ll pay off your student loans in exchange for your signature. What he’s trying to pass off as a casual signature is likely some sort of trust modification agreement, which would require all beneficiaries to sign. Or a release or a disclaimer, which are used to extinguish a beneficiary’s claims against a trust. What he wants you to assume is boilerplate language might actually be eliminating you as a beneficiary. Ask your father for a copy of the complete trust document. If he won’t share it with you, that’s another reason not to sign anything. If he does share a trust document with you, take it to an estate attorney who is not connected to your father and is not the attorney who drafted the trust. Finally, your dad is confusing trust and will (or is trying to confuse you). Assets in a trust pass under the terms of the trust document, not the will. So a will that leaves everything else to him and your aunt—jewelry, artwork or furniture—may say nothing at all about the trust your grandparents funded with stocks, bonds. or other assets. I never recommend signing legal documents if you don’t fully understand them. So don’t sign anything until your father shares the complete trust documents with you (not a summary) and you have shown it to your own attorney. While you may be grateful to have your student loans paid off, you could be trading your share of a multi-million dollar estate in order to be debt free. —Ilyce Classic Prudie I am vegan. I don’t put my personal choices on anyone else, but I do have to be vigilant in what I eat and prepare for myself. The problem is with my 11-year-old stepdaughter “Annie.” Annie has a bad habit of deciding she doesn’t want the food ordered for her—and that she wants mine instead. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Personal Finance Relationships