Our ludicrous benefits system is like playing an online game for Monopoly money – but there’s an obvious solution

FANCY getting your hands on some free money? It is, obviously, a rhetorical question. Benefits scroungers must be forced to go and get a job Credit: Getty Our ludicrous benefits system allows people to fill in forms as though they’re playing an online game for Monopoly money Credit: Getty If you are happy to accept a hand-out — or even tell a few porkies — it’s easy to get hold of, thanks to our ludicrous benefits system. I filled out a government disability application form myself this week to see how simple it really is. Let me give you a feel for how some of it goes. Can you pick up and move a litre (two-pint) carton full of liquid at waist height using your upper body and arms? Well, we know the answer to that one, don’t we? Nope, not a chance, weak as a kitten and I certainly wasn’t at the gym lifting weights this morning. Next! Can you use either hand to press a button (such as a telephone keypad), turn the pages of a book, pick up a £1 coin, use a pen or pencil or use a suitable keyboard or mouse? Absolutely not . . . I even struggle to scroll Instagram on my phone. You get the idea. So is it any wonder that the total annual welfare bill in this country is £330billion? And £10billion of that is fraud and error. Thankfully this week, a woman in authority, Government tsar Baroness Louise Casey, spoke out about how ridiculous this system is. In doing so she inadvertently showed how easy it could be to clamp down on hard-working Brits being used like cash cows if the Government really wanted to. She said: “Something like 16.8million people answered questions that took them to a point that they would be classified by the Department for Work and ­Pensions as disabled. I don’t buy it.” Not many of us do, Louise. She went on: “I would qualify, and I’m sitting here right now. I’m not disabled, but I could qualify if I answered those questions based on my medical records — it’s simple as.” This is the woman who has been asked by Andy Burnham to fast-track a review into how we pay for adult social care in England. Which is great. But isn’t the answer obvious, sitting there glaring at both of them? Instead of allowing people to fill in forms as though they’re playing an online game for Monopoly money, how about they are assessed face to face? The only get-out-of-jail-free card to dodge this would be for those with a bona fide medical condition backed up by a letter from a health professional. Imagine how much money could be saved then. This would go a long way towards ­paying for our struggling care system. It’s a hell of a lot easier to lie on a form than it is when you are in front of a real-life professional grilling you. Even the most bare-faced liars in this country may struggle with that. It is staggering that this Government, with all the expertise and resources at their fingertips, hasn’t made this happen. And disgusting that Burnham is instead talking about bringing in the new ­universal death tax to top up funds. We all want the elderly and vulnerable to be treated better. We want those who deserve to be on benefits to get them. But the scroungers must be forced to go and get a job. It’s a win-win situation. The PM said he could not forgive ­himself if he failed to fix the broken care system. And we can’t forgive him if he leaves us picking up the bill for a model that one of his own advisers admits is broken. NO FREEDOM FROM FOLK CASHING IN ON GEORGE George Michael’s former best friend is a prime example of greed Credit: Getty DOESN’T death make people greedy? It truly brings out the worst, as the vultures start descending like seagulls at Whitby. George Michael’s former best friend is a prime example. Andros Georgiou has released almost 90 minutes of unseen footage of the Wham! star and he’s cashing in by charging fans to view it. Now the legal team from George’s estate is threatening to sue him. Furious Andros says the claim is a “case of sheer greed”. Talk about pot and kettle. Poor George. If his so-called friends are behaving like this now you can’t help but wonder what scavenging they did when he was alive. PANTS DEAL AT M&S Crotchless knickers are now on the M&S website as part of a new deal with Ann Summers Credit: Marks & Spencer SO shoppers have gone into shock and awe mode about crotchless knickers lurking on the M&S website as part of a new deal with Ann Summers. But ladies, do keep your knickers on. If M&S wants to flog them next to their granny pants on their website, so be it. It’s not like they’ve gone all S&M and are offering up weekends in a dungeon with a whip and blindfold. But I certainly won’t be buying them. I’m no prude but I do come from Yorkshire where we are sensible about cash. They cost £20 for a pack of three. You can buy their lacy lingerie with a full on crotch and all that, for £5. Much more versatile – and less draughty, too. QUICK MONEY Richard Hammond has been fined £999 for speeding Credit: Getty RICHARD HAMMOND has been fined £999 for speeding at up to 82mph in luxury cars twice in three weeks. First, what an absolute idiot. This is a man who has had two major, near-fatal vehicle crashes and should know better. And second, why on earth has Richard been given a fine which sounds like the price tag similar to a sofa in the DFS sale? Odd. CAN’T BANK ON WFH Santander staff are kicking off because they’ve been asked to go into the office three days a week Credit: Getty “WHAT IFS” are funny things aren’t they? But imagine if we hadn’t had Covid and everybody still thought it was normal to work in an office every day, didn’t spend their lives on Zoom and thought it was the done thing to go to the pub after work with colleagues. It would be a very different country, wouldn’t it. And a friendlier one. Now Santander is facing legal action, with staff kicking off because they’ve been asked to go into the office three days a week from April 2027. Not the full on five days, just three. Some say they simply can’t do that due to personal reasons. What? Do stop it. You can do a lot of personal arranging in nine months. As well as growing up and getting on with your job. LITTLE SHOCK TO KIDS The new adaptation of Netflix’s Little House On The Prairie Credit: ERIC ZACHANOWICH/NETFLIX NETFLIX has overtaken the terribly dull BBC as the first port of call for telly viewers. I’m not surprised – Netflix has something for everyone. It’s probably not one for the hardened fellas out there but I’ve become obsessed with the new adaptation of Netflix’s Little House On The Prairie. It’s like a mini history lesson for my seven-year-old, who keeps stopping to ask about the Osage tribe and is hearing all about how I watched it the first time around, long before pausing a show was even a possibility. He was just as flabbergasted about that as he was about the fact the Ingalls family had no running water. OUCH! Chef Adam Handling may just have alienated a few parents after ­kicking off about badly behaved kids in his Tartan Fox pub, near Newquay, Cornwall. Adam Handling kicked off about badly behaved kids in his Tartan Fox pub Credit: Instagram Or “selfish little brats” as he described them – getting into his chicken coop and smashing up fertilised eggs. Adam adds: “It says more about the parents than the child.”Couldn’t agree more. A new study has revealed that more than two-thirds of us prefer to eat a scone with the jam on first and cream on second. What on earth is all the fuss about? Just bloody eat it!