Our Kids Deserve to Know How They Came into the World. But I Don’t Know How to Tell Them.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by sdominick/E+ via Getty Images. Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so today we’re diving into the archives of Care and Feeding to share classic parenting letters with our readers. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, My wife and I (a same-sex couple) went through two years of trying to get pregnant. Our doctor mentioned embryo adoption, and we found a couple who donated embryos to us. We now have the most amazing 1-year-old anyone could ask for. We decided to try again. We found another couple to donate and are pregnant with baby No. 2 now. My question is around talking to the kids about this. Our little girl is 15 months. We have a semi-open relationship with her donors, and she has two genetic siblings. The next baby will be the same way. There are a lot of resources about adoption, but this isn’t the same thing, since my wife carried them. We want them both to have whatever relationship they want with their genetic donors/siblings, but we also want to express how much we wanted them and how they have been the best decision we ever made. Just a little lost on how and when to explain, since it is kind of complicated—most adults don’t get it when we explain how we had kids. —Adopted, but Not That Kind… Dear AbNTK, Congratulations! Regarding the how and when: Take a look at some of the literature for families made by adoption. Not all of the advice will be salient, but I do think it could be a good resource to answer some of your questions. As I’m sure you know, every kid matures at her own rate, and as your children get older, you’ll develop a pretty good gauge of what your children can handle, and when. I suspect you’ll find, “You grew in Mama’s tummy, and we both love you to the moon and beyond” will suffice for a couple of years. Beyond that, I advise making a book for your kids (incredibly easy to do these days at sites like Shutterfly or Blurb, though honestly, you could make one out of construction paper, it doesn’t have to be fancy). Write out the story of their genesis as you’d like them to understand it, using the language you think is best to talk about this. Draw pictures—they’re kids, they won’t care if you’re not an illustrator—and let this book establish the tale of who they are and how they came to be. You can update it as they grow up, or talk more frankly as they grow old enough to better understand. —Rumaan Alam From: Dear Care and Feeding: My Children’s Birth Story Is So Complicated. What Should I Tell Them? (June 20th, 2019). Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, My next-door neighbors have a daughter, “Meryl,” who’s not quite a year older than my girl. Since we moved here more than three years ago, we’ve had a very amiable though not super-close neighborly relationship, and our girls became very good friends; we’d trade off play dates a couple of times per month. That was until December of last year, when I noticed the mother of the family acting very reserved around us and more withdrawn overall. The husband was recovering from surgery, and I chalked it up to family matters. They opted not to let Meryl come to my children’s birthday party that same month, with no explanation given. Then in January, I sent a text offering help with errands and babysitting in order to ease the burden of post-surgery life. I received no response. A few days later, I saw the mother send Meryl off on a play date with another child, cheerfully calling out, “Have fun!” So I knew that Meryl was still allowed to see friends. I sent one last text, casually asking if Meryl would like a play date with my daughter that upcoming weekend. The mother texted back, “Thanks for the offer but we already have plans,” with no suggestion for another date. It’s been radio silence since then, and I’ve seen evidence that the parents are actively avoiding us. I’ve racked my brain about the cause, anything we might have said or done that could be construed as weird or offensive, and I can’t begin to think of anything that would merit this “ghosting.” I recalled that the mother had a history of friendships suddenly ending over social drama, but our relationship has never endured any such thing. My husband and I have decided not to pursue a dialogue, but now my daughter is asking when she can see Meryl again. I’ve told her that Meryl’s parents keep her very busy and that “big kid school” keeps her busy as well. I don’t know if that will suffice, but I don’t know the best way to handle it. My daughter is a true social creature, and I don’t want to burden her with drama as she looks forward to kindergarten. Should I be handling this differently? —Defriended Dear Defriended, These are tough circumstances. You have so little to go on here, and a hefty percentage of this situation exists only in your mind. What you’re describing does sound like a cooling, but it’s not clear that this cooling has anything to do with you or your family specifically, even if it looks like it does. We have a tendency to think that everyone’s actions in relationship to us are specifically about us, and that’s quite often not the case. But even more to the point, even if it is the case, you don’t yet know it and so you can’t react to it. We don’t get to behave in response to what we think other people are thinking. (I wish we did.) So the only thing actually happening here is that your daughter occasionally mentions Meryl and wants to hang out with her, but for reasons you don’t fully understand, Meryl is not as much on the scene as she used to be. My advice then is to continue with the “Meryl is super busy” line until more is revealed. You are next-door neighbors to this family, and it is very likely that at some point, Meryl and your daughter will find a way to their own relationship without it having to be coordinated by parents, and then they’ll do whatever they do. I admit I’m about 60-40 on whether to recommend you revisit your decision not to pursue a dialogue. On the one hand, if there is something going on and she hasn’t said anything, it’s because she doesn’t want to talk about it, and she has that right. But on the other hand, it’s been my experience that in situations like this where there’s a lot of feelings but not a lot of talking, a direct conversation can be helpful and clarifying, even if it is a little painful. You may find that it has nothing to do with you, which would be a relief, or you may find that there is something you need to make right but didn’t realize it. Either way, it is a direct path out of this place of wondering and fretting. You have to decide what is best for you along those lines, but as far as your daughter goes, keep it simple and keep it moving. —Carvell Wallace From: My Daughter’s Playmate Ghosted Us. (March 27th, 2019). Dear Care and Feeding, My husband and I are having a disagreement about hugs and kisses at bedtime. We have a 4-year-old boy and a 2½-year-old girl, and they share a bedroom. We’re always teaching them that they are in charge of their own bodies and who touches their bodies, and about asking before touching someone else’s body. After brushing teeth and reading a story, my husband and I each tuck one of the kids into bed. My script is “I love you and I’m proud of you every day,” along with a quick plan for what will happen tomorrow, then a hug and kiss. Then we switch kids and do it again before leaving and closing the door.Now here’s where my spouse and I disagree: What happens if we ask for a hug or kiss and they say no? If we say, “It makes me sad that you won’t give me a hug or kiss,” is that forcing them (through guilt) to show us physical affection? Now I readily admit that I have done this with my son in the past, and I now regret it. But hearing my husband say that to my daughter riled me up. A girl shouldn’t be guilted into or forced into letting anyone touch her, including parents for a bedtime kiss. Parenting in the #MeToo age has given me a different perspective. However, my husband thinks it’s just as valid for him to state his own feelings, just as we ask them to do when they have a conflict (e.g., “It makes me mad when you take my ball”). There have also been nights when we are summoned back into the room for the hug and kiss they had earlier refused. Am I being overly sensitive, or is my husband teaching her that someone else’s desire for her affection is more important than what she wants in the moment? —Overthinking Body Autonomy Mom Dear OBAM, I’m not sure that I personally think a parent needs to ask their toddler for consent before every single hug or kiss, but I like where your head’s at. Anyway, you’ve established this expectation, so you’re kind of stuck with it now. Obviously don’t try to guilt-trip your kid into letting you kiss them by saying it makes you sad—that’s weird and kind of gross. Your husband’s right that he gets to state his feelings, but not to his toddler. If you want to teach your kids that “no means no,” then you kind of have to let no mean no, don’t you? Maybe, however, you can take some inspiration from a trend happening in elementary schools where teachers let kids choose which greeting they want: a hug, a wave, or a high-five. This lets the kid be in charge and gives them options. So maybe you say to your kid something like “Good night! Do you want a wave, a hug, or a handshake?” (fill in with the menu items of your choice). In addition to making the consent issues clear, this also has the added benefit of putting the kids in charge of something at their bedtime, which, as you know, can otherwise be a contentious power struggle. Good job trying to raise good kids. —C.W. From: Should We Ask for Consent Before Kissing Our Kids Good Night?(January 9th, 2019). More Parenting Advice From Slate I am a grandmother to two little girls, ages 6 and 7. They are finally having sleepovers at Grandma’s house! While getting ready for bed, I saw they were keeping their underwear on under their pajamas. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids Parenting