Our Kid Is About to Start School for the First Time. My Wife Wants to Do Something No Teacher Will Agree To.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by svetikd/E+ via Getty Images. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, My wife, “Sylvia,” and I have a 1-year-old son and a 5-year-old daughter, “Nora.” Nora is going to be starting kindergarten in August. Sylvia has this bonkers idea that she’s going to sit in on the class for the first month to make sure Nora is adjusting properly. I can’t see any teacher going along with something so ridiculous, not to mention that I think it undermines our daughter’s ability to develop independence. Should I try to talk her out of it or wait for the school to shoot it down? —She’s 5 Years, Not 5 Months, Old Dear She’s 5, Definitely let the school do it! At most, in terms of your talking to Sylvia about it, urge her to contact the teacher to ask if this plan is acceptable. (Say this neutrally and calmly. Say, “It’s probably the teacher’s or the school’s call, I’m guessing, so why not ask ahead of time?”) Your wife is freaking out about your kid starting school. I get it. I had a hard time too. It wasn’t healthy. And my daughter—who was also anxious about starting full-day school—came up with a plan herself, because she has always been wiser than her mother and just generally saner, and I reached out to her teacher to run it by her: My daughter wanted me to stay the whole time on day one, and then until noon on day two—“Even if I cry and beg you, you need to just go”—and from day three on, drop her off. Her teacher, who had 30-plus kids to manage, was actually happy for the help on day one and the morning of day two: I held a lot of crying kids who were not my own on my lap, helped with early reading and writing evaluation and so on, and otherwise made myself useful. This was a solution that worked for us because we were both rattled by the change. It also worked because it was my daughter’s idea, not mine. I don’t have any way of knowing if Nora is nervous (I guarantee that even if she is, she’s nowhere near as nervous as her mom), and that needs to be taken into account. (Nora’s teacher will certainly ask the question when your wife proposes her very bad idea.) In any case, I’d let the teacher—who has experience with both nervous parents and children—make the call. I am absolutely sure the answer to whether Sylvia can sit in for one month will be no. —Michelle More Advice From Slate My dad passed away two years ago. I, a 42-year-old man, am a part owner of a small business and regularly work 55 hours a week. My partner and I have intentionally developed a shared approach to household responsibilities and care for our two young kids. I love how connected our immediate family is, and I treasure the opportunity to be a real part of my kids’ lives every day. I’ve worked hard to incorporate friends and exercise as a regular part of my life, and that isn’t easy… Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids Parenting