One Kid in My Daughter’s Extracurricular Club Is Making Everyone Miserable. I’m Considering Something Drastic.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Artpilot/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, Twice a month, I take my 4th grader to an after school language club. It runs for two hours. It’s held in a room at the back of the library that the group has to book. The parents all pay a few dollars to cover the booking fee. While the club is happening I take my younger children to the children’s room in another part of the building. I’m having a problem with a parent, “Roy”, who brings his son to the club and leaves him there. His son, “Philip”, has some serious learning disabilities. He’s probably 12 or 13. He’s extremely loud and hyperactive. He cannot sit still for more than a minute and shouts phrases over and over at the top of his voice. Usually it’s something from TV like a commercial (“Better Ingredients! Better Pizza!”) or he starts repeating something another child has said. He’s also just a physically big bulky kid who’s at least a head or more taller than everyone else. Philip will only stay in the club room for a short time before wandering out into the library. He eventually ends up in the children’s room, where he starts jumping on the furniture, running around, or tries to play with the little kids, but he’s always way too rough. This week, he jumped off the back of a couch onto a beanbag and almost landed on a baby. Some of the moms have tried to get him to settle down with a book or toys, but he usually ignores them. I don’t know what to do about this. I don’t know Roy (the father), except by sight because he quickly leaves the library building as soon as Philip is dropped off. Apparently he does pay the contribution fee online. “Sam,” the club leader, tries to engage Philip in the activities, but I think he’s grateful when he wanders off and becomes the problem of the moms like me in the children’s room. The librarians are two elderly women. Philip will kind of listen to them and settle down if they ask, but after they leave, he gets rowdy again. And they can’t follow him around the whole time. I know Philip can’t help his behavior. He’s very sweet and always has a big smile. If he sees that he has your attention, he’ll ask over and over if you’re having a nice day, or he’ll try to show you a trick he can do which is usually when he starts jumping on things. I think everyone feels sorry for him. His father is using the library and everyone else as a $3 babysitter service. Sam is reluctant to confront Roy, and the librarians say this is Sam’s responsibility to sort out. We’re all miserable. I’m considering taking my daughter out of the club altogether, but she really loves it. I don’t think it’s fair that she give up something she loves. Plus I would be just leaving everyone else to deal with Philip. What should I do? —Not Philip’s Babysitter Dear Not Philip’s Babysitter, I’m with the librarians: This is Sam’s responsibility. As the leader of the group, it’s important that he ensures everyone is safe—including Philip. I want to give Philip’s dad the benefit of the doubt and believe that he wouldn’t leave his son somewhere he thought would be unsafe for anyone. He might think that there’s more supervision available in the club than there is. Since there isn’t, it’s up to Sam to communicate this to him. That’s for everyone’s benefit. Not just for Philip and the current kids in the club, but also for any future kids who might want to come. Sam has two options here. One is to figure out what is required for kids to be left alone in the group and set the requirements based on certain developmental abilities instead of age. If you’d like to help, you can connect him with local nonprofits or trusted friends in education who can help create the appropriate guidelines. For example, some childcare settings such as at churches, community centers, and more might set a guideline that kids must be potty-trained in order to attend without a grownup instead of setting admittance at a certain age. Another option is for Sam to seek out someone whose role it is to help kids like Philip. Parents can volunteer to take turns or he can seek out outside help. People who love kids and love the mission of the club might help for free or in exchange for a nice gift card for a meal, gas, or Uber or Lyft. At church, we try to have enough volunteers so that we can make neurodivergent kids feel safe and welcome, too. One time, I felt pretty honored that a kid allowed me to sit next to him the entire time, and he felt so comfortable that he fell asleep on my lap. Not only was I happy to be there, it felt really good to be equipped to serve all kids who wanted to come that day. So, I’m sure there are other adults in your orbit who would feel just like I do! Of course, this still all goes back to Sam. But, especially if he may be nervous to approach Philip’s dad or just might be avoiding the entire situation because he doesn’t know what to do. If you and the other parents offer to help, he might be ready to act more quickly. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, My sister “Molly” has been married and divorced eight times within the past 10 years (thankfully, no kids are involved). The ink isn’t even dry on her latest one, and now she’s contemplating marrying a man she’s been seeing for all of three months! Each time one of her marriages goes down in flames, she becomes despondent and I end up as her sounding board/therapist. What can I do to convince Molly she needs to hold off on getting married so she doesn’t get up going through a NINTH divorce? —The Ninth Time Won’t Be the Charm Dear The Ninth Time Won’t Be the Charm, HALT! You can’t do a thing! Molly is going to do what Molly wants to do. If the last eight times didn’t teach her to slow down and not rush into marriage, there’s nothing you can say now. You have to just step back and be ready with the post-divorce routine whenever she’s ready. So get the wine, load up her favorite movies, and prepare the breakup party for whenever it inevitably comes. Dear Care and Feeding, Thanksgiving is still some months away, but this year is our turn to host. My wife’s family and alcohol mix about as well as oil and water, and as such we’ve decided it’s going to be a dry event. Should we tell them in advance, or let them know when they arrive?—Hopefully No Holiday Hangovers Dear Hopefully No Holiday Hangovers, Yes, tell your wife’s family it’ll be a dry event so that they can plan their day as they see fit. They might want to make plans for after-dinner drinks somewhere else or they might go to a mimosa brunch before. At the end of the day, we can’t control our family’s behaviors—and it’s a fool’s errand to try to—but it’s best to set the rules around what happens at your house and let people do whatever they want outside of those walls. —Arionne More Parenting Advice From Slate I’m a mom of 6-year-old twin boys who are starting to play basketball. Their team needed a head coach and I volunteered, but I was denied in favor of a random dad. I played four years of college basketball, and I know the game inside and out, but instead they went with a beer-bellied 40-something guy who probably can’t tie his shoes without getting winded. He offered to have me join as his “assistant,” but I declined because it felt like a slap in the face. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids