Nearly half of men are sexually anxious in bed with one type of woman

Men’s anxieties are down to stereotypes (Picture: Getty Images) What men enjoy in bed is no secret. We know they’re partial to some vanilla missionary sex, while cowgirl has been renounced en masse. But, what you might not know, is that, for straight or bisexual men, there’s one type of woman that makes them incredibly sexually anxious. It’s got nothing to do with looks or anatomy. It’s the allure of the older woman that has men shaking in their boots. Nearly half (47%) of men said they feel more sexually anxious with an older partner than with someone their own age. This is particularly true for age gaps of 10 years or more. Perhaps unsurprisingly, the younger the men were, the more likely they were to feel nervy. Those aged 18 to 29 were the most likely to be anxious at 63%, while those aged 30 to 45 were at 51%, compared to Gen X’s 32%. This anxiety isn’t something they’re keen to broadcast though, with 77% of men never telling anyone about their age-gap performance anxiety. Why the older woman? For Marie Morice, clinical sexologist and founder of The Pleasure Atelier, there are deeply contradictory cultural narratives about an older woman’s sexuality. ‘On the one hand, women are often made to feel sexually invisible as they age, particularly after menopause,’ she tells Metro. ‘On the other, an older woman who actively expresses her sexuality can be portrayed as a “cougar”, sexually voracious, dominant or intimidating. Sign up to The Hook-Up, Metro's sex and dating newsletter Love reading juicy stories like this? Need some tips for how to spice things up in the bedroom? Sign up to The Hook-Up and we'll slide into your inbox every week with all the latest sex and dating stories from Metro. We can't wait for you to join us! Men get more anxious the younger they are (Picture: Getty Images/Image Source) ‘Some women become more confident about expressing their needs as they get older. Others may be rediscovering their sexuality after years of prioritising their partners, children or careers. And some are exploring their own pleasure properly for the first time.’ Ask Metro Use AI to go deeper into the stories you care about – powered by Metro and trusted publications. Popular culture doesn’t do anything to assuage men’s anxieties, especially when the heterosexual script typically sees an older man with a younger, less experienced woman, the sexologist explains. ‘When those roles are reversed, the relationship is often portrayed as unusual, provocative or comical,’ she adds. ‘Even the word “cougar” suggests an older woman pursuing a younger man as her prey, reinforcing the idea that she is sexually dominant and potentially intimidating. ‘Films and television can also perpetuate the idea that an older woman is a sexual expert who will somehow test or educate her younger partner. ‘These portrayals may reinforce the expectation that men need to prove themselves sexually, particularly when they perceive their partner as more experienced.’ What about older women makes men nervy? There are certain areas where men feel the most pressure, when it comes to sleeping with a woman 10 years their senior. For 31% of men in Ziphealth’s study, they didn’t want to seem inexperienced between the sheets, while 30% wanted to make sure they initiated confidently. A quarter also felt pressure to last longer, while 23% felt the need to hide their anxiety and to be more adventurous in bed. ‘These are examples of sexual performance anxiety manifesting psychologically, emotionally and physically,’ Marie explains. ‘Men may worry about whether they’re attractive enough, whether their partner is enjoying herself, whether they’ll be able to maintain an erection or give her an orgasm.’ In sexology, this is known as spectatoring, where someone becomes an observer of their own sexual performance, rather than being immersed in the experience. ‘Instead of focusing on pleasure and connection, they’re mentally monitoring whether they’re doing everything correctly,’ Marie adds. ‘The irony is that the more someone worries about performing well, the harder it can become to relax and experience arousal.’ On top of all this, given that 77% of men admit to keeping their worries secret, it turns out that you’re more likely to be satisfied if you have a good level of communication with your sexual partner. Women’s sexual desires are diverse at any age (Picture: Getty Images) A 2022 meta-analysis by Mallory, published in the Journal of Family Psychology, examined 93 studies involving 38,499 individuals, determined the quality of sexual communication showed a stronger association with satisfaction, rather than simply how frequently partners talked about sex. Stop spectatoring If there’s one thing Marie wants people to take away from these findings, it’s that we need to stop treating sex as a performance and start treating it as a shared experience of pleasure. ‘We live in a culture where men’s sexual confidence is often associated with erections, stamina and their ability to give a partner an orgasm,’ she explains. ‘Yet research consistently highlights the importance of communication, mutual understanding and a broader repertoire of pleasurable sexual experiences.’ As well as getting out of your own head, Marie warns against reducing women to little more than an age group. ‘Older women are individuals, not a sexually intimidating category,’ she points out. ‘Their desires, experiences and expectations are as diverse as those of any other group. ‘Rather than assuming an older woman has higher expectations or knows everything about sex, why not simply ask her what she enjoys?’ Do you have a story you’d like to share? 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