My Wife’s Sister Pulled a Terrible Stunt and Got Arrested. Somehow I’m the One Paying for It.

Pay Dirt Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Pay Dirt, My sister-in-law, “Louise,” pulled a ridiculous stunt following the death of her former husband. Louise went to the cemetery the day after her ex’s funeral and dumped around 20 pounds of manure (don’t ask where she got it) all over her ex’s grave. She was arrested and booked, and she called my wife, “Darlene,” sobbing for her to bail her out of jail. Darlene put up the $2,000 bond—without telling me. Now—surprise—Louise is claiming she can’t pay us back due to having to pay attorney’s fees and court costs. My wife says we should just let it go because Louise has “been through enough.” Louise’s marriage ended over 15 years ago, and she held onto her bitterness all that time. I don’t see why we should have to pay because she chose to do something petty and juvenile. Would I be in the right to take my sister-in-law to court to recoup the money? —Bullshit Dear Bullshit, I agree—that was a dumb thing for Louise to do. And, she’s certainly paying for it, even if it is your money that started that process. Your question is whether you could take her to court. I’m not an attorney, but you need “standing” to be able to sue. That means the person who has been wronged has to file suit. In this case, it’s Darlene who put up the money, so she would be the person who is more likely to have standing. The next question is whether a court will treat the $2,000 as a gift or a loan. Unless Darlene had Louise sign a promissory note, it’s possible that a judge will see the funds as a gift. Anyone can sue anyone for anything, but it’s difficult to imagine you’ll win, especially if Darlene is willing to “let it go.” Is there any way to get some money back without suing? That depends on how your wife posted the $2,000 bond. If Darlene paid the court $2,000 directly, that money is held by the court as collateral to ensure Louise shows up for the proceedings. Once the proceedings have concluded, which could take months or even years, those funds are often used to cover court costs, fees and any fine that’s assessed. Bail bondsmen operate differently. If Darlene paid a bail bondsman the $2,000 instead of paying it directly to the court, it’s like paying 10 percent of a $20,000 bond as a fee or premium on an insurance policy to ensure Louise will attend her court appearances. Even if she shows up, however, the bail bondsman keeps the funds and you can’t get them back. Assuming she paid the court directly, and is willing to do it, Darlene could call the court clerk and tell them she’s the depositor. She can tell them that she wants the bond returned to her rather than applied to Louise’s obligations. She might have to sign some paperwork and your state may keep a small portion of the amount to defray costs. That fee won’t come back to you but the rest might. If she doesn’t call the court, Louise will likely be able to use your money to offset her fees and court costs. What’s eating you is that Darlene shelled out that cash without consulting you. She jumped the gun in order to help out a family member who was in trouble, maybe because she knew you’d say “no” and she didn’t want to have a discussion about it or because it was a spur of the moment decision. Whether or not Louise repays your generosity someday, talking about how you and Darlene make big money decisions going forward is a conversation worth having. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Pay Dirt, My nephew was getting evicted, along with his girlfriend, their baby, and her two older girls. It is a very unstable situation. Her parents have temporary custody of the two older girls, but they were getting evicted themselves. I had two spare rooms. I wasn’t about to leave family out on the street. My sister died when my nephew was only 17. My nephew works two jobs, and he does pay me rent and help with the bills. His girlfriend does nothing but sit on her butt and play on her phone all day. She refuses to get her GED or a job. She puts the baby in the play pen and acts like she is mother of the year. Even worse: With the older girls, she will not make them bathe or brush their teeth or hair or change clothes if she can get away with it. They aren’t old enough for school yet and their grandparents are currently sleeping in the living room of another family member. At least here, the girls have an actual bed. The girlfriend gets nasty when I intervene and say the girls stink (which they do) and need to bathe. My nephew is always exhausted, and his girlfriend picks fights over me being “mean.”I don’t have a dishwasher and ended up coming home and cleaning up a complete sink because reusing a cup is anathema. I am exhausted beyond measure here. I don’t want to get the authorities involved, but this insane! What should I do? —Bad Roommates Dear Bad Roommates, Your nephew sounds like a stand-up young man who has had more than his share of bad luck in life. Losing his mother when he was a teenager must have been so tough, and it doesn’t sound like his dad is in the picture. He got his girlfriend pregnant, but is still with her and helping out her two older daughters. On top of that, he works two jobs, pays rent and helps out around the house. Their mother, on the other hand, seems like a piece of work. The entire situation sounds unstable, leaving young children at risk with the bulk of the work falling on you. You need things to be easier. What you don’t want to do is cause this young man any more trouble or heartache. So, sit down with your nephew alone and talk through what you see happening with the older girls and the baby. Tell him you’re exhausted and can’t continue to manage the way things are going, but you’re willing to help him figure a way forward over a specific time frame, say the next 30 to 60 days. Then, ask him how he would like to see things change and where he thinks you can help. He may have ideas or he may be open to your suggestions. If he asks for help, tell him about Head Start and Early Head Start (for babies and toddlers under age 3). The program offers free preschool, nutrition, and medical referrals. It will allow trained professionals to see these girls and find other resources that can help them. If the grandparents have formal custody, you and your nephew will need to work with them so they can sign the paperwork to get the girls and baby enrolled. Getting this family housed appropriately will also take some effort. Call 211 or visit 211.org to help your nephew find new housing options and other resources in your county. If it looks like the children are falling further into neglect, you or your nephew might have to call child welfare, though that should be a last resort. Finally, stop engaging with the girlfriend. Instead, go back to your nephew and let him take the lead. You’ve done your nephew and his family a great kindness in putting them up in your home. Now, it’s time to get them standing on their own. —Ilyce Classic Prudie I’ve been dating the love of my life for about a year and a half. For about half of that time he’s been in grad school and the other half he’s spent looking for work in his field. Right now he has a low-paying job that keeps him at poverty level and leaves him unable to pay his credit card or student loan debts.The problem? He just got a job offer 1,300 miles away. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Personal Finance Relationships