My wife’s former fling has rocked our cuckold marriage by claiming he is my son’s real father and wants to be involved

DEAR DEIDRE: MY cuckold marriage was going great until a man my wife slept with suddenly claimed he is my son’s real father. I had no idea he even knew she’d had a child as they didn’t see each other after a casual hook-up. But now this guy is demanding to see our little boy and I don’t know how to protect him. I’m 39, my wife is 37, and we’ve been married for eight years. For the past four, we’ve enjoyed a consensual cuckold-style relationship. I know some people might judge, but it’s worked for us. We embraced the lifestyle after I caught my wife cheating. WhatsApp and Contact Dear Deidre WhatsApp, DM, or email our experienced counsellors for a free, comprehensive response. Instead of being upset, I found it thrilling, so I suggested we explore cuckolding together. She would take on lovers and tell me about what they did in bed. We now have two little boys, aged three and two months. Tests have shown neither is biologically mine, but that doesn’t matter to me. I’m their dad. I change nappies, do the night feeds, read bedtime stories — and they call me Daddy. Then, a couple of weeks ago, our eldest son’s biological father reappeared. He had found out about his son and announced he wants to be part of his life. We told him categorically no, but he insists he has rights and says if we don’t agree to involve him, he’ll tell our son that I’m not his real dad. I’m so anxious I can’t sleep. Our boy is too young to understand right now, but what ­happens when he isn’t? How will I explain that I’m not his dad? Will he feel betrayed by me? Does this man have parental rights if he isn’t named on the birth certificate? Can he force contact or obtain some form of legal recognition? And if he ever contacts our son directly and deliberately tells him I’m not his father, would that amount to harassment? Surely DNA shouldn’t be more important than being the man who brings our boy up. DEIDRE SAYS: You are your son’s dad in all the ways that matter, even if not biologically. Try not to panic. This man can’t simply turn up and claim your son. In England and Wales, an unmarried biological father who isn’t on the birth certificate doesn’t automatically have parental responsibility. The cafcass.gov.uk website explains more about this. Get legal help before you respond further. Make an appointment with citizensadvice.org.uk. Keep every message. If he repeatedly contacts or intimidates you, record everything and seek legal advice about harassment. As for telling your son, get professional guidance about age-appropriate conversations. Contact Family Action (family-action.org.uk, 0808 802 6666) for support. THANK YOU FOR…SHOWING ME LIGHT AT END OF TUNNEL DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN I first wrote to you, my husband had just been diagnosed with terminal cancer and I was overwhelmed. We were drowning in debt and I had no idea how we would manage. My husband is 47, I’m 49, and we have a 14-year-old daughter. He can no longer work and I’m his carer, so I can only manage part-time jobs. Despite receiving Universal Credit and the higher rate of PIP, we weren’t coping financially. We owed more than £3,000 in council tax, had rent arrears and were being chased by bailiffs. I had barely enough money to buy food. Your reply helped me see I wasn’t completely powerless. You told me to contact the council again, to explain my husband’s diagnosis and ask what help or exemptions might be available. You also pointed me towards ­Macmillan Cancer Support (0808 808 0000, macmillan.org.uk) and sent me your Solving Debt Problems support pack. You encouraged me to take things one phone call at a time, rather than trying to solve everything at once. Most importantly, you made me realise I couldn’t afford to be too proud to ask for help. I’d been in such a state for weeks before I wrote. But afterwards, I didn’t feel alone any more. Thank you for ­giving me advice – and hope – again. DEIDRE SAYS: You’re dealing with so much. I’m glad I could help a little. HIS TEXT TO EX MAKES ME FEAR HE STILL WANTS HER DEAR DEIDRE: FINDING OUT that my partner texted his estranged wife behind my back has sent me into a complete tailspin. I don’t understand why he needs to be in contact with her, and worry he still has romantic feelings for her. We’re both in our late 40s. We’ve been in a relationship for nine years and he has been separated from his ex for 11 – yet he still refuses to pay for a divorce, saying it’s unnecessary. He insists they’re just friends and says there’s nothing for me to worry about. But recently, while I was abroad visiting family, he texted his wife. I found the message when I was looking for a contact number on his phone. The message wasn’t sexual – he had simply asked how she was and what she had been up to. But what stung was his decision to send it. I can’t stop wondering why. What suddenly made him think of her? If he was lonely, why didn’t he message me, his partner? I was thousands of miles away and I would have loved to hear from him. Was he missing her more than he was missing me? When I confronted him about it, he totally dismissed my feelings. He said he has always stayed friendly with his exes and I’m being ridiculous. It feels like a betrayal. Am I overreacting? DEIDRE SAYS: Sending a bland message to his ex doesn’t necessarily mean your partner is cheating or still in love with her. What’s more concerning was his reaction. He dismissed your feelings rather than reassuring you. Add to this the fact he still hasn’t divorced her, and it’s no wonder you feel insecure. It’s reasonable to wonder why he hasn’t made the separation legal. Perhaps the reason is financial or he just doesn’t think it important. But it will have some legal implications for you, such as inheritance. My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help you talk about this without making him defensive. TEENAGE TROUBLES DEAR DEIDRE: IT feels like my brother’s girlfriend is trying to push me out of my own family, even though we’ve never met. She’s been telling awful lies about me, including that I was harassing her on social media. I’m an 18-year-old girl. My brother is 22, and we haven’t spoken for two years. Now some family members seem to believe his girlfriend’s lies. I feel like she’s deliberately turned people against me. Why is she doing this? DEIDRE SAYS: Sadly, it’s impossible to say why. It might be connected to your fallout with your brother. Don’t contact her and keep screenshots of anything she says about you online. Tell your family again that none of this is true, and how upset you are. Get support from themix.org.uk which provides free counselling and advice for under-25s. HAVE AN URGE TO TRY MY WIFE‘S KNICKERS DEAR DEIDRE: I AM desperate to get into my wife’s knickers – but not when she’s wearing them. If she found out, I know she wouldn’t understand. I’m scared she’ll leave me. We’re both 40 and happily married, with a good sex life. But lately I’ve been drawn to her underwear when I find it lying around. I love picking up her silky drawers and feeling the fabric in my hands. Now, the urge to try something on is getting stronger by the day. The problem is, my wife would freak out if she caught me wearing her lingerie. She would automatically think I was gay, or even that I wanted to change sex, and things would never be the same. I think she could even divorce me. So I’m tempted instead to buy some female underwear of my own, discreetly, and try it in private. But I’m wondering if I’m opening a can of worms. Is there something wrong with me? I don’t understand why this urge has suddenly become so strong. If I ignore it, will it go away? DEIDRE SAYS: There’s no harm in cross-dressing, and it doesn’t mean you are gay or trans. You shouldn’t feel embarrassed or ashamed about your urge. It’s unlikely it will just go away. It may have grown stronger because you’re stressed, and it feels like a release, but probably has its roots in your childhood. Please don’t secretly take your wife’s clothes without her permission. Buy your own, in your own size. My support pack, Cross-Dressing Support, should help with more information and links to people you can talk to confidentially.