My Wife’s Drunken Antics May Have Just Cost Us Our Grandkids. Her Response Is Unbelievable.

Dear Prudence Prudie chats with Lizzie O’Leary, host of What Next: TBD, about a Fourth of July party with major repercussions. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by WeBond Creations/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Each week, exclusively for Slate Plus members, Prudie discusses a new letter with a fellow Slate colleague. Have a question for Prudie? Submit it here. Dear Prudence, My wife “Geraldine” has never been fond of my son “Peter’s” wife “Miranda,” but over the Fourth of July weekend, she did something that I fear has cost us our relationship with our grandkids (ages 3 and 5). The entire family went to celebrate at my other son’s place since he lives near a beach, where we held the event. Geraldine had a few too many and drunkenly pointed to a group of men who were playing volleyball and told Miranda she was impressed that she hadn’t asked any of them to sleep with her yet. Miranda was furious and made her family leave. Since then, I have been able to speak to my son—he talked to me at his work to avoid his wife finding out—a handful of times. He says Miranda is still seething over my wife’s comment and is unwilling to have anything more to do with us. Peter says he will try to talk to her after some time has passed, but he can’t offer any guarantees. Geraldine claims she can’t remember what she said and refuses to apologize. She says if she did say it, Miranda “needs to have a sense of humor about herself.” This isn’t the first time she has insinuated that Miranda is sleeping around, but she has never made such a public show of voicing it. How do I convince my wife she needs to make things right with our DIL? —At a Loss Thanks to Liquor Jenée Desmond-Harris: Something tells me Geraldine has been an absolute bitch to Miranda for many years, and Miranda is relieved that she finally said something explicit and outrageous enough to justify cutting her off completely. Lizzie O’Leary: GERALDINE GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF. This is unhinged behavior. Also, people certainly say some crazy stuff when they’ve had a few, but usually it’s of the truth serum variety. Yeah, look, your wife was completely inappropriate here and 100 percent in the wrong. And if I were Miranda, I would probably have nothing to do with her until there was a full and sincere apology, preferably in writing, with flowers. That is not Peter’s job. It’s your wife’s. Jenée: Yes, and I’m sorry to say that I think the solution probably involves even more than a sincere apology. Geraldine is also going to have to pretty much become a different person! Whatever it is that would make her make any kind of insinuation that her daughter-in-law is sleeping around—cruelty, wanting to ruin her son’s life, a problematic relationship with alcohol, or some combination thereof—will need to change so that she doesn’t do this kind of thing over and over again. Because I’m 100 percent sure that this behavior didn’t come out of nowhere. But no one can make her fix whatever is wrong with her. So as far as practical next steps for the letter writer, I think he needs to approach Peter and make it perfectly clear that he thinks Geraldine’s behavior was unacceptable and—this is key—not push for reconciliation. His focus should change to rescuing his own relationship with his son and daughter-in-law.Because if they see him as a package deal with Geraldine, or someone who endorses her behavior even a little bit, he’s going to lose them too. Lizzie: Oh definitely! This is not “grandma lightly criticized your parenting.” Jenée, I am still stunned. If I were the DIL here I would not let my kids be around this woman.Because you’re right, this kind of comment does not come out of nowhere. And also??? Even if the DIL had some history of infidelity, it’s still not OK. I really have sympathy for the letter writer, because the impulse to mediate conflict between people we love is so strong (as is, I assume, the desire not to be cut off from his grandkids). But as every Instagram therapist would say, you gotta sit with the hard feelings. This is bad. This is going to require some serious work at repair. If you, LW, want to work at saving your relationship with your son, DIL, and grandkids, I might consider writing a real honest-to-goodness letter to your DIL and expressing your pain at this situation. As my mentor Michele Norris used to say, “If it matters, put a stamp on it.” You will not fix this anytime soon, but you can express your sincere and loving regret for the pain this has caused. One question I have for you, Jenée, is how the LW should convey the gravity to his wife? Because she either doesn’t know, doesn’t care, or doesn’t seem to mind the consequences she is sewing for other people. Jenée: I’m dying because I quickly skimmed your response and somehow read “My mother-in-law Michele Norris” and you should have seen my face as I tried to figure out how that worked and if there was any resemblance at all to your husband. And wondered why you had kept this from me! I was like “Well, his hair is kinda curly …” But anyway, here is a script for the wife: “Honey, I know you think Miranda needs to have a sense of humor about your comment, but she was deeply offended and honestly anyone would be! I love you and I’m committed to you and part of that is accepting the things you say when you have had too much to drink, but Miranda didn’t choose us and we need to do everything we can to make sure we don’t run her off. If you want to make remarks about her, you need to do it in private, with your friends. As a matter of fact, do me a favor—talk to a couple of your friends and tell them what you said and ask them if it was okay. I guarantee they will agree that it wasn’t. I’m very scared of losing Peter and I need you to help me fix this. Until you do, I’m going to have my own relationship with him to the extent that he’ll allow it.” Lizzie: I am cackling in the bagel store. Mostly at the idea that if I was married to one of Michele’s kids that I would not tell you! Also, I remember them as toddlers, lol. I worked for her when I was in my 20s. Anyway! I think this script is excellent. He is gonna get some pushback and defensiveness. And that’s okay. He just needs to convey his emotional sincerity and real fear, which I think is warranted. This one is going to take some time. And even then, I can’t guarantee the outcome you want. But I think if you can be patient and kind (and loving but firm with your wife), that is your best shot. Jenée: On and maybe Geraldine should just not drink around Miranda until she can get herself under control. That’s a dumb suggestion because she’ll never agree to it, but to the extent they can spend time in non-drinking environments (and only for short periods of time) if they do reconcile, I think it might help to reduce inappropriate moments. Lizzie: They DO make some lovely mocktails these days! Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Dear Prudence