My Wife Used to Have More “Fun” Money Than Me. Now That the Tables Have Turned, She Can’t Deal.

Pay Dirt Photo illustraation by Slate. Photo by Ridofranz/Getty Images Plus. Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Pay Dirt, My wife and I have been married for almost 30 years. Our paychecks go into a joint account for bills, savings, trips together, etc. We each also have a “fun” account for any extra income outside of our jobs that we can spend however we want, no questions asked (within reason). Well, now that I have more “fun” money than my wife, she’s asking questions and doesn’t like the answers. My wife’s “fun” account is funded primarily by her involvement in multi-level marking products. Some, in my opinion, were decent, others like health drinks and skin care products, were kind of sketchy. Her “fun” income for many years greatly exceeded mine (my account was funded by doing odd jobs or helping with projects that I got paid in cash). So for many years, she could spend more money on things like girl’s trips, designer clothes/shoes, or attending dealer conventions/meetings for the products she sold. (I was welcome to come along on these meetings, but she said I had to pay my own way out of my own “fun” account.)Then in 2020, her business took a hit, and it hasn’t come even close to fully recovering. She hasn’t been able to spend the money on fun stuff like she used to. Meanwhile, I enjoy painting, so I took up that hobby again. I realized after talking to a friend of mine who stages houses there is a niche market for paintings to hang on the walls when staging an empty house. He bought a few of mine, word got around, and I started painting more. It isn’t quite “easy money” for me, but close. A few dollars for supplies and a half hour (more or less) of my time to make an abstract or somewhat of an Impressionist painting that I sell for $50 or $100 depending on the size. (And yes, I do pay taxes on this income and my wife’s business when filling out our tax forms.) Last week I mentioned to my wife that I planned to use the money in my “fun” account to buy a used convertible, as I have always wanted one. She asked, “Just how much money do you have in your account that you can afford a convertible?” I told her I had over $8,000. She flipped out! She asked why I was hiding this much money and why I wouldn’t be spending it on things we could do together or give some to her because I knew her side business is suffering. I told her she was welcome to ride in or even drive the convertible once I bought it, and she just answered that “riding in a convertible messes my hair up.” I wasn’t “hiding” the money. I do the painting usually for a few hours on a Saturday morning while my wife is hanging out with her coffee group, so she hadn’t realized the amount of pictures I have painted. (We also have separate offices for our hobbies and businesses and aren’t often in each other rooms.) Plus, I was saving all that money for something I wanted to purchase for myself, just like the trips she takes and clothes buying she does with her fun money. I almost mentioned, but didn’t, that if she would have saved all the money she spent on trips and designer clothes, she would probably have much more saved up than the $8,000 I have. Am I wrong to think I should be able to spend this money I earned on anything I want? Was I supposed to help my wife during this downturn in her business? If I had never taken up painting again and found this niche market, I wouldn’t have had the money anyways. —Is It My Money or Her Money? Dear My Money or Hers, From a purely logical standpoint, you’re not in the wrong. You and your wife had a solid agreement for years, where you had a joint account for “we” and separate accounts for “me.” She was fine with this arrangement when it was working for her, and it’s not fair to ask you to change it now when she wouldn’t do the same for you. But, a convertible? That’s a big, big purchase. And I get that all of her purchases would likely have added up to that same amount—hell, maybe more—but buying a new car is a bit more of a lifestyle change than a designer handbag or a luxury vacation. I’m not saying you’re wrong or that you’re not entitled to buy the car. But for her, it probably seems like a really ostentatious choice when she’s financially struggling. I’m guessing that, for her, this is touching on something else. Maybe she feels insecure about earning less. Maybe she’s salty about how the tables have turned. Maybe she’s wishing she saved a little bit more. Either way, it does seem like she’s projecting her frustrations on you, and that you announcing that you’re buying a new car is probably a hard pill for her to swallow. Were your finances always transparent? If so, the accusation that you were hiding the money might be a reach. It’s not like you were hoarding money in some offshore bank account where it made millions, but the two of you should probably come up with a plan for being a little more transparent with your finances. Your ability to buy a car shouldn’t come as a shock to her. Keeping separate finances is totally fine, but you need to come up with a system for keeping each other in the loop about your budget and your goals. To answer your question about whether you were “supposed” to help her out when her side businesses started dwindling, it sounds like you both agreed that the side businesses were for individual fun. Now, if she really was sinking her money into MLMs, maybe you should have sat down with her and expressed your concerns, but who knows, you might have done that and maybe she didn’t take it well. The point is, these are accounts and side hustles you kept separate, and she agreed to that. But if you want to get through this (and get that convertible) without getting into a massive fight, approach the topic delicately. Avoid arguing about the “rules” of the accounts—this is more of an emotional issue than a logical one. Try something like, “I know the $8,000 was a bit of a shock, and I can understand why you felt like I was keeping it a secret. That wasn’t my intention, and I was excited about reaching a financial goal I’d been working toward. But I also know it’s been a stressful few years with your side business, and I hate that you’re dealing with that.” She’ll be a lot more open to seeing your side of things when she’s not worried about you seeing hers. And once the tension has dissipated, you can gently remind her that you’ve always supported her “fun” spending because you were on board with the system you both agreed on. And let her know where you’re coming from, too—this is something you’re genuinely excited about because you’ve spent years saving for it, and it doesn’t feel great to have someone shoot down that progress. There’s no magic bullet for convincing her about this car, but the goal here is to have a productive conversation about it—not one that’s weighed down by resentment and frustration. When you both feel heard, it’s easier to have that conversation. And if you like, you could also offer to use a fraction of your money for a nice dinner or a weekend trip for the two of you. It’ll show her that while the car is a “me” purchase, your priority is still “us.” —Kristin Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. More Money Advice From Slate My husband, our young child, and I own our condo in an incredibly expensive area. My mother-in-law lives nearby and owns a large, beautiful house in a highly desirable neighborhood. She has been trying to convince my husband that we “need” a larger home, and he is beginning to agree. I am very happy with where we currently live and don’t feel the need to make changes. Now she has come to us with a very generous proposal. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Dating and Relationships Marriage Personal Finance