My Wife Says We’re “Responsible” for Letting the Family Cool Off at Our Pool. But I’m the One Who Has to Deal With the Consequences.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, My wife, “Angela,” and I have a swimming pool, which means that around this time of year, our house is a popular destination on weekends for our numerous nieces and nephews who range in age from 3 to 16. The trouble is that once everyone is gone and I test the water to adjust the chemicals, the results indicate that urine is present. Every. Time. By the time I get things back in balance, it’s the weekend again, the kids are back, and someone inevitably pisses in the pool. I have tried talking to Angela and my in-laws about the problem. My wife expects me to “just deal with it,” and my in-laws claim that it’s never their kids who are responsible. I’ve told Angela that if the pool pissing continues, I don’t want the kids over because I’m sick of knocking myself out getting the chemicals back in order, but she says we have an obligation to host them because it’s so hot where we live. If I refuse to manage the chemicals, we’ll have a swamp, which will be even more difficult to correct, so I can’t simply throw my hands up and say “I quit” when it comes to keeping them in equilibrium. Any ideas? —Pool Problems (he/him) Dear Pool Problems, I think you’re talking to the wrong people here. Talk to the kids themselves—not in a scary or demanding way, but explain to them that you really need them to stop peeing in the pool. Kids rarely pee in the pool maliciously. It’s usually a mix of laziness, not wanting to get in trouble for coming in and out of the house and getting the floors wet, and also thinking it isn’t a big deal. So, the kids (especially the ones who are closer to 13) really might not understand that it’s so much of a problem that it could actually close the pool and put a stop to their fun. Be the cool uncle! Talk directly to them and say, “Hey guys, you probably think that peeing in the pool isn’t a big deal, but it means that we have to do all of these things every week to make it OK to swim in again. Just come in the house! It’s all good. We’ll have extra towels, and you don’t have to worry about tracking water in.” I’d also set up a little break bench or table by the door with extra towels, so they don’t worry about tracking extra water in, a cooler with water and other drinks, and some snacks, so it’ll encourage them to actually take breaks. (You never know: One of the kids might have an incontinence problem and is embarrassed by how often they have to use the restroom. If that’s the case, setting up more of a break space could also allow them to come in and use the bathroom without anyone teasing them for using the bathroom too much.) You can always regularly encourage the kids during pool time to step out and hit the bathroom, too, say every hour or so. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, My daughter “Brenda” is going to be starting first grade next month and is dreading it. Brenda is very introverted, and kindergarten was NOT easy for her. Her teacher said she did very well academically, but struggled with social interactions and even complained that her peers were “immature.” My husband and I did try sending her to pre-K to try to prepare her, but she was miserable, so we took her out. From what we’ve seen, Brenda loves the learning aspect, but not being around other kids. Now she’s begging us not to send her back to school. What can we do to help make the return easier for her? —School Stress Dear School Stress, There are a lot of kids who don’t feel comfortable around other kids. This feeling of unease can be exacerbated when you’re an only child and spend most of your time with adults. Because I was an only child until I was almost 14, I always joke that as a kid, I was a little old lady who felt more comfortable around adults. My son has always been the same way. Before school starts, find different environments in which your daughter can still hang out with other kids, but there’s less pressure to be friends. Think: storytime at your local library or a park that’s near your school. In these places, she might meet kids she likes and can find some common interests with. But if not, it’s fine! Plus, you’re right there with her. This will get her some practice talking to new people, and she might even run into some kids who are also attending her school this year. Also, consider taking her to children’s museums and kid activities at any larger events near you. They usually include hands-on activities, and your daughter might find herself playing and having fun with or next to kids she wouldn’t normally go up to. Just like with adults, it’s sometimes easier to make friends when you’re doing an activity and just so happen to be next to someone cool and chatty. Ever Gotten a Call From Human Resources? Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir want to hear about it—and help you navigate your problems at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here! Dear Care and Feeding, My 9-year-old daughter, “Suzie,” plays softball, and she has a fair amount of talent. More importantly, she loves it: practices all the time, watches videos of older players, etc. Recently, we went to a cheer competition for her same-aged cousin. It was one of those awful showpieces with young girls in belly-bearing outfits, curled hair, and full makeup doing flips. But all Suzie could see was the huge crowd gathered to watch her cousin, who she’s always been competitive with. Now she’s obsessed with being on a cheer team so “that many people can come watch” her. She’s never shown any interest or aptitude in dance or gymnastics. In fact, she’s hated every class she’s been in, and she actively snubbed her cousin’s activity until she saw the crowds. I feel like this is the YouTube generation—it’s all about the number of likes. I don’t know what to say to her, but I’m definitely not letting her do cheer. How do I convince her to stay with softball? —No to Cheer (she/her) Dear No to Cheer, As a former cheer captain and all-star cheerleader, I’m a bit biased. However, I also know just how much work cheerleading takes on competitive teams, like the one it sounds like her cousin is on. While Suzie might say she wants to do cheer, it’s not as simple as just walking up to a gym and instantly being put on a competition team. It takes a ton of work. The goal is to make everything look effortless, but it is in no way easy. It sounds like her cousin is competing through a gym, which might offer classes and then have some sort of try-out to actually compete. If they do offer classes, sign her up! Ask if they have a drop-in class fee so that she can see how difficult it is. She might surprise you and love it. Granted, this might not even be an option. Many teams require a try-out first. But regardless, the process will show her that it is something she would have to work hard at, just like softball. I would encourage you to let her try, though, because she might be good at it and love it even more than softball. My goddaughter is one of those kids who’s great at a lot of different sports. A ton! But cheer has been her love for the last few years, and it’s been lovely seeing her commit her time to it, win honors and awards, and build even more confidence. At the end of the day, it should be Suzie’s decision, and you should want her to have the opportunity to try what she wants. She can figure out on her own that everything that glitters ain’t gold. (It’s actually a lot of sweat!) —Arionne More Advice From Slate My father-in-law and I have never gotten along. He makes bigoted remarks, takes personal offense at my activism (I’m very passionate about the fight for civil rights), and makes jokes at my expense. He has verbally abused me more than once, both to my face and in passive-aggressive emails to my husband. I’m not alone in my dislike of the man—he has no friends because his personality makes him insufferable. His own siblings and cousins have written him off. My mother-in-law and I get along OK, but she has a habit of blaming me for not getting along with her husband because “that’s just how he is.” My husband is completely on my side (and has called his father an “insensitive jerk”) but tries not to say anything inflammatory for the sake of keeping peace in the family. I understand… Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids Parenting