My Wife Planned a Couples’ Getaway for Us. Unfortunately, the Other Husband Only Likes to Talk About One Thing.

Dear Prudence I am dreading every second of it. Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Oct 06, 20266:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, Last weekend, my wife and I attended a milestone birthday party for her aunt. They’re a large family (her grandma had six kids), and most of my wife’s siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, and other family members attended. One of her cousins, “Bea,” is married to “Richard.” Richard is retired from the military. They moved down to Florida. We don’t know Richard that well, as he is Bea’s second husband. They have only been married a few years, and we have met him maybe a half dozen times. What I do know about Richard is that any conversation turns into something about what he did, where he was located, what he saw, equipment he operated, etc., in the military. It doesn’t matter how far-fetched it is from the topic being discussed. Mention how we have had dry weather lately, and that turns into him droning on about how “this dry spell is nothing! You should have seen what I saw in the Middle East,” and him going on into descriptive detail. A group of us will be standing together discussing something, and it seems that every single time it ends up being something about what he experienced in the service. Except when it comes to discussion about kids, then it will turn into him talking about his 3-year-old grandson. Cute kid, but I really don’t care! I have a degree in turfgrass management and could bore you to tears going on and on about turfgrasses, or stand in a yard and explain the type of grass and any disease/problem the lawn has and what needs to be done to correct it. I could have a conversation about a car somebody bought and, if it was green, talk about which variety of grass is the closest color to the car and why that variety doesn’t grow around here. But I don’t. Even the other guys in the family have mentioned, “Can’t he talk about anything else?” So, after we got home, my wife mentioned that she and Bea had made plans for us to come to Florida (we live up north) during the first week of January to visit. I suggested we drive, so it would take a couple of days to get there; then we could spend a couple of days with Richard and Bea (I could maybe handle him for a few days), and spend a couple of days driving back. My wife wants to fly down there and spend a WHOLE WEEK with them. I don’t think I could handle it! I fear anything I say will turn into one of his stories about his service. Plus, I have zero military experience, so I can’t relate to anything he says. You would think I would be looking forward to a trip to Florida in the middle of winter, but I am dreading it. Other than shooting myself in the foot on New Year’s Eve so I physically can’t go, which would probably be less painful than listening to him go on and on about a subject I couldn’t care less about, do you have any other suggestions? —Dreading a Winter Trip to Florida Dear Dreading a Winter Trip to Florida, Hold off on putting a bullet hole in your own body to avoid the trip. There’s a way to handle this and avoid hearing war stories night and day for an entire week. The first and most obvious option is to talk to your wife: “You know, I really like Richard and Bea, but something I haven’t told you, because it hasn’t been an issue for more than a couple of hours at a time, is that I really have a hard time with Richard’s monologues. I’m kind of worried that if we spend a full week with them, I won’t enjoy myself and I might even struggle to be nice to them, and I obviously don’t want to be a jerk while we’re their guests. Do you think we could cut the visit down to a couple of days? Or could we make up an excuse and I could join you halfway through?” If, for whatever reason, this isn’t workable and you end up committing to the visit, you can do some things that both make you a good guest and decrease the amount of time you spend listening to Richard go on and on about his time in the trenches. Plan an outing or two, some time each day, or even a full day on your own, away from Richard and Bea. After all, a week is a long time to host, and even the most talkative host probably doesn’t want to entertain you nonstop. The Etiquette School of New York backs me up on this, advising, “Do think of activities to occupy you for at least part of the day. Don’t expect your hosts to keep you entertained from morning until night.” Emma Harding in the Substack The Bath Times has an in-depth edition about how to be a good guest, echoing the view that it’s actually polite to do things on your own when you’re staying with someone for a while. Harding, reflecting on her experience regularly hosting at an upstate New York farmhouse, writes: You’ll forgive me if I don’t want to walk the High / Main Street for the seventh weekend in a row, but please don’t let me stop you from doing it. Or, if I have to work one day, make a plan and get out of the house so I can do so. Take the car; don’t show you’re afraid of driving on the other side of the road. Just carpe diem and go and explore. It’s your holiday, not mine. She urges that you “give the host alone time. If you’re staying for an extended period of time, consider making a point to give the host an hour or so to recalibrate.” So if you have to be there, rest assured that you don’t need to be in conversation with Richard all or even most of the time. And it’s actually more polite not to be out of earshot of his ear stories for some chunks of time. Become a person who goes for a run every morning. Propose a date night with your wife one night. Excuse yourself to visit an old friend who lives in the area or check out an attraction that will bore everyone else. (Of course, you should share these plans with your hosts before you arrive instead of just disappearing.) Then, when you’re inevitably stuck with Richard and his stories for at least a few dinners, see if you can trick yourself into not wanting to scratch your eyes out by pretending that you’re a journalist interviewing him. That way, each anecdote he tells might feel like a success instead of an annoyance. Maybe if you’re not panicking about how much longer you’ll have to endure his stories, you might actually relax and hear something interesting? Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, Neither my husband nor I are remotely religious. We were married in a secular ceremony, which caused some consternation among my Christian relatives. At the wedding, my aunt and uncle gifted us a vast leather-bound family Bible (seriously, this thing weighed as much as our German shepherd) and they separately gave me a quite insulting handbook detailing the duties of a good Christian wife, which I never troubled myself to open. We sent them a rather generic thank-you note and happily ditched both books in the trash. My mother subsequently mentioned that my aunt had asked about their gift (which I find suspicious, as it felt like a provocation), and I told her they were in a landfill somewhere. For reasons known only to her, my mother shared that information with her sister, and now I am in the middle of a family storm about our “blasphemy” and disrespect. Do I owe anyone an apology here? These are my relatives, but they’re not my relationships, so I feel some duty to pour oil on troubled waters, but I also want to distance myself from the drama, much of which feels like it is being cultivated by those whose empty lives need filling with needless noise. I’m busy, and I’m not interested in engaging, but I also don’t want to sabotage the delicate ecosystem built up over years. —Bored But Duty Bound Dear Bored But Duty Bound, Wow, you put it in the trash?! You couldn’t have dropped the Bible in your local Little Free Library or something?! Or asked if someone else in the family wanted it? But you’re absolutely right that it was your choice to make and that you did your duty in terms of etiquette when you sent the thank-you note. It’s not as if you sent your aunt and uncle a video of yourself burning the books in your fireplace. And yes, your mom is the problem here. There was absolutely no reason for her to share the fate of the gifts with her sister—except, maybe, to cause hurt feelings and drama. If that was the goal, she succeeded, and she alone should deal with the consequences. You don’t need to do anything. If (and only if) your aunt reaches out to you expressing distress over what they’ve learned, you can offer the narrowest possible apology: “Yes, we got rid of the Bible and the Christian wife handbook. As you know, we’re not religious, so we didn’t have a use for them. In hindsight, maybe I should have asked whether you would like to have them back. Sorry about that.” Prudie Wants to Hear From You! Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for Slate Plus members. Write to us! Or submit a question here. Dear Prudence, I live with a gay couple who are both kind and caring. For the most part, we get along very well. My issue is the fact that no matter when I get home—3 a.m., 8 p.m., noon— they are always here. (I really wish I were exaggerating.) About 80 percent of the time, they are rooted to the couch. One of them has been unemployed the entire two-plus years I’ve lived here. Granted, I’ve been working three jobs and am not home much. I don’t want to be offensive, but I would almost literally kill for a couple of hours alone in the place each week. How do I communicate that in a way that will lead us closer to my desired outcome? Is there a way to do so without offending them? —Would Love to Use the Bathroom In Peace Now and Then Dear Would Love to Use the Bathroom, I’m trying to figure out why you had to tell me these people were gay—which has no relation to the amount of time they spend on the couch—but I’ll let it go and not read too much into it. This is a tough situation. Unfortunately, as I’ve written many times in this column, there’s a reason having roommates is more affordable than living alone. It comes with some inconveniences that you wouldn’t choose. Like the fact that, absent any agreement saying otherwise, everyone has access to shared spaces whenever they want—even if that’s all the time. It’s not appropriate for you to ask this homebody couple to clear out of the apartment, I’m sorry to say. What you can do—which will produce valuable information for you and also maybe serve as a little bit of gentle hint-dropping—is to ask them if they’d be willing to share the timing of any planned outings with you. This is a bit delicate, and you’ll want to be careful not to suggest that they’re doing anything wrong by hanging out at home most days. You say they’re kind and caring, and I would hate for you to damage your positive relationship with them by being too demanding. Try something like this: “Hey you two! I hope you’re having a good week. I’ve been working so much, and I’m trying to see if there might be a time in the near future when I’d be able to spread out and relax in the apartment by myself and decompress on the couch with a movie for a couple of hours. If you have any plans with friends or errand days coming up, could you let me know when so I can plan around it? And of course, if not, that’s OK too—I know that to expect a living room to myself I’d need to pay for a one-bedroom.” Classic Prudie My sister is engaged to a lovely woman. They are wild about each other and very happy. However, her fiancée refuses to leave her dog at home when going out to restaurants, bars, etc., and has ordered a “service animal” tag online. The dog is not a service animal… Advice Dear Prudence Family Marriage