My wife misses sex while I’m away – so I’m planning to suggest she finds a female lover

DEAR DEIDRE: I’M planning to suggest that my wife takes a female lover. She’s lonely because we live thousands of miles apart and I’d rather she had an affair with a woman than risk her falling for another man. We’re in our late forties. She’s in the US, helping to care for her elderly parents, while I’m back in the UK. The plan is for her to return in about 12 months, but that still feels like a very long time. We speak every day and I fly over every few months. But she’s often completely alone and has told me she misses having someone to talk to and go out with. She also misses sex. WhatsApp and Contact Dear Deidre WhatsApp, DM, or email our experienced counsellors for a free, comprehensive response. I’m OK with not having sex, but her libido has always been much higher than mine. We have tried having phone sex a few times, but unfortunately we both find it rather embarrassing and it’s unfulfilling. Also, it certainly doesn’t make up for the lack of physical intimacy or affection. My wife is bisexual — I’ve always known this about her and, because I trust her, it’s not a problem. I wouldn’t be comfortable with her having another man, but it feels like a female lover wouldn’t be so bad. I don’t know if this is a really terrible idea, though. And what might happen if she develops strong feelings for a woman? What if they become more than friends? And would I be jealous? I deeply love my wife and don’t want to risk my marriage. But I also want her to be happy. Would saying I’d be OK with her taking a female lover make her think I don’t care enough about her, though? Would it ruin our marriage? DEIDRE SAYS: Suggesting you open up your marriage and she takes a lover might seem like an easy fix for her loneliness, but it isn’t wise. A female lover wouldn’t be any less threatening to your marriage than a male one. She might start off in a casual relationship, but it’s likely emotional intimacy would develop. That would come between you and your wife and cause jealousy. And if you even suggest this idea to her, it might appear that your feelings for her have lessened, or even that you want her to be with someone else – which is the opposite of how you feel. You need to have an honest conversation with your wife. Tell her how much you miss her and don’t want her to be lonely. Also, help her to find some local activities there, where she can make friends. Give her my support pack, Feeling Lonely, to read. The good news is that there’s an approximate end date in sight. Start talking about this and planning for it. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ADVICE OVER MY MEDICAL ISSUE DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN I wrote, I’d just discovered there was a reason why I’d spent my whole life feeling different. I had an undescended testicle and, at the age of 60, had finally found out I had something called Kallmann Syndrome, which meant I’d never properly gone through puberty. I told you this had destroyed my self-esteem, leaving me anxious and depressed, with few friends. I’d spent a lifetime feeling like half a person. I needed someone who understood and could advise me, not just about my health but about benefits too. You acknowledged the shock of my diagnosis, but explained that finally having a name for my condition could help me come to terms with my experiences. You also reassured me that I was a full and valuable person. You gave me a link to the Kallmann Syndrome site, delayed-puberty.com, and recommended the Pituitary Foundation (pituitary.org.uk) for support. For financial help, you pointed me to citizensadvice.org.uk and the Benefits calculator at turn2us.org.uk. I’ve now contacted some of those organisations and no longer feel so helpless. Thank you for giving me hope and making me feel like I have a place in the world. DEIDRE SAYS: I’m glad you found my reply helpful and reassuring, and that you’re in touch with specialist organisations who understand your condition and can support you. I WORRY SMACKING KIDS LEFT EMOTIONAL DAMAGE DEAR DEIDRE: GUILT over the way I treated my children is eating me alive. I smacked them all when they were naughty, but now I believe I was wrong and I’m worried it’s had a lasting impact. I’m a mum, 67, with three grown-up kids. My own mother smacked me and I never thought much about it. It was considered normal then. I did the same with my children, stopping when the youngest was 11. But lately I’ve been feeling ashamed of my actions. My younger daughter has two children and she and her husband would never smack them. They are so patient and affectionate with them, and I respect their parenting. It’s made me hate myself for what I did. I couldn’t imagine ever hitting a child now. I’ve spoken to all of my kids about how I feel. I’ve apologised. The eldest said times were different and she’s forgiven me. The second said she understands. But my youngest son went quiet when I mentioned it. It makes me wonder how it’s affected him and how he feels about me. I know I can’t change what happened. But I keep thinking about it and punishing myself. DEIDRE SAYS: You did what you thought was right. Attitudes to physical discipline have changed and if you were a mum of young kids today, it’s clear you’d do things differently. Beating yourself up now won’t undo the past or help your children. You’ve thought about your actions and apologised. Your youngest child’s silence doesn’t necessarily mean he is suffering or angry. Perhaps he just doesn’t know what to say. Contact him again and ask if he wants to talk. Try not to compare your parenting with your daughter’s. Just be the best grandma you can be. If guilt is affecting your daily life, it might be a good idea to talk about it with a counsellor. My support pack, How Counselling Can Help, has more information about how to access this. TEENAGE TROUBLES DEAR DEIDRE: I GAVE up everything to live with my boyfriend, and now I feel trapped. He promised we’d move into a new home together but he lied. I’m 18 and he’s 20. We’re still stuck in his tiny room, I feel totally let down. I’m struggling with my mental health and desperately want to move back home, but I have no job or savings. I miss my mum, my mates and my old life. Please help. DEIDRE SAYS: Not having money doesn’t mean you have to remain miserable or in this relationship. Tell your family how unhappy you are, and ask if you can return home, at least temporarily. If you’re struggling with your mental health, contact The Mix (themix.org.uk) for confidential counselling and support. Shelter (shelter.org.uk, 0808 800 4444) offers free advice about housing. MY ABUSIVE EX IS HARASSING ME DEAR DEIDRE: SINCE I left my abusive ex, he has been harassing me. I’m frightened of what he might do next, especially as I have a six-year-old daughter. I’m 40 and my ex is 50. I left him four months ago. During our relationship he was very controlling. When I realised he didn’t want to let me go, I blocked his phone and social media accounts. But he keeps finding new ways to contact me. He sends letters and has even contacted people from my past, like old friends and my former boss. An ex-boyfriend of mine received a friend request from him. My ex recently messaged my sister with nasty claims about me. His messages are abusive. I haven’t replied as I think he wants a reaction from me. I’ve spoken to a solicitor, but I can’t afford to pay for a non-molestation order. Now I’m thinking about going to the police but I’m worried they won’t take this seriously and he’ll find out. What should I do? DEIDRE SAYS: You’re right to block him and not to respond to him. What you describe is textbook harassment and stalking behaviour. Keep a log of evidence of all his messages, calls, emails and screenshots and take them to the police. You don’t have to pay for a non-molestation order. You can apply for legal aid – domestic abuse charities will help you do so. The Suzy Lamplugh Trust (suzylamplugh.org, 0808 802 0300) can offer specialist advice about the issues around stalkers. If you ever feel in immediate danger, call 999. If possible, go to stay with a relative or friend so you’re not alone.