My Wife Just Shocked Me With an Impossible Ultimatum in Bed. There’s No Coming Back From This.

How to Do It Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Jacob Wackerhausen/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous! Dear How to Do It, I thought my wife and I had a solid marriage. Then last week, out of the blue, she said she hadn’t been satisfied with our sex life for a number of years and that my options were either a divorce or an open marriage. When I asked her to attend counseling, she refused. We have two elementary school-age kids, and I don’t want to upend their lives with a divorce. I cannot begin to tell you how depressed I am about this; we’ve been sleeping in separate bedrooms since. Is there anything I can do to win my wife back? —Crushed Dear Crushed, Sorry to hear that and to say this, but the signs are not in your favor at this point. What is most troubling about this situation is that your wife is unwilling to attend counseling with you. For many couples, that is an important component in the process of opening a relationship. It can be extremely useful to have an expert who’s well-versed in ethical non-monogamy to help guide you and troubleshoot. Even the most even-keeled non-monogamists still have trouble dealing with issues that come up from time to time. Therapy is generally useful for relationships, even when they aren’t undergoing major transformations or on the brink of collapse. To show up for therapy is to show up for your partner, and to show up for your union. That your wife refuses to do this suggests a certain lack of initiative to give your relationship the support it needs, particularly at this delicate stage. Perhaps she believes that suggesting counseling is your attempt to stay monogamous. I wonder what would happen if you were to concede that and reassure her that you will open things up to some degree for now, but still push for couples therapy for the overall strength of your now non-monogamous union. It seems that the situation is escalating quickly. It’s one thing to open your marriage to sex with others while maintaining sex between the two of you; it’s another thing to start sleeping in separate rooms, presumably severing your erotic connection abruptly and entirely. Underlining that you want to remain connected to her in whatever capacity, being kind and supportive, and allowing space may be the best approaches for a less-than-ideal situation. If, after some demonstrable effort on your part and added attempts at therapy, your wife still refuses, at the very least you can secure your own therapist to help you cope with the sad situation life has thrown at you. —Rich More Advice From Slate I’m a 27-year-old woman married for two years, and from the beginning, we decided we would each be free to have other sex partners. Recently I have been involved with a neighbor, while right now my husband is not involved with anyone else. My husband suggested a threesome, which I declined. He then made the suggestion to my lover, who not only was enthusiastic but suggested they include his wife also… Advice Sex