My wife is tight with money and only saves for retirement – she’s such a killjoy

Dear Kenny, My wife and I used to share a similar view to money, putting our children first and enjoying small luxuries when we could. Now they’re in their teens, she has become a real killjoy when it comes to spending. She keeps undermining my ideas and saying that now we’re in our 50s we have to watch the purse strings and prepare for retirement. I can’t think about life that way: who knows how long we have and these are good years to enjoy our health and our teens before they leave home. My parents spent their lives waiting to enjoy themselves and saving for a rainy day. They’re both dead now and I don’t want to spend my life waiting. How can I loosen my wife up so we enjoy ourselves more? I work hard and bring in good deals, we’ve had some lean years too, but things always come through. I don’t understand her pessimism. I feel undermined and misunderstood. SR, Greater Manchester Dear SR, I read your letter empathising with your frustrations. Then I came to your request for advice: “how can I loosen my wife up so we enjoy life?” Sadly, seeking to change others is one of the most frustrating – and futile – ways of spending time in a relationship. We can only change ourselves. Anything more is destined to failure and risks being controlling. That may sound upsetting, particularly as she is the one controlling the purse strings, but I am not in any way saying you’re powerless. Any change in your own behaviour and your reaction to her will have a huge ripple on your relationship. Money matters are rarely just about the present. They tend to reflect some of our most deeply held views about the world and the cultures of our family of origin. I see that you are aware of this: reflecting on your own parents in your letter. What is similarly impacting your wife? Shorts Her parents’ attitude towards finances? Has she experienced poverty or were her parents worried about losing their wealth, which gave them a poverty consciousness? I’m particularly interested that her outlook towards money seems to have changed now you’re in your fifties. Do you have pensions planned or is her concern because you didn’t focus on the distant future when you were younger? Many of my clients at this age feel quite panicked at the prospect of retirement because they started work before automatic pension enrolment. I recommend that you both sit down and chat through your finances, both for now and future. It may be that seeking the help of a pension advisor will help you make a plan. It might be that if you both feel like you’re working towards a shared pot for retirement – and that is taken care of – then you can both relax while enjoying day-to-day spending. Are you hoping to support your teenagers when they leave home (do teenagers ever really leave these days?) and is your wife feeling frugal because she is conscious of university fees, first rents and the struggle to find a first job? Again, working out a budget for this may leave you both feeling in control of the future (as much as any of us ever can be) to enjoy the now. By really listening to why your wife is feeling so hesitant to spend money, and asking her to do the same, you might find that you both understand each other more. There’s a world of difference between interpreting someone we love recycling a tea bag as “tight and mean” or scared. Likewise, interpreting a splurge as “showy” or “reckless”, is completely different from seeing it as “afraid that life will run out”. When we seek to understand our partners, it can help ease the grip of long-held fears. It can also make their attitudes seem a whole lot less annoying because I suspect that for every occasion you find your wife a “killjoy”, there might be another when she finds you profligate. Finally, I think you’d both find it helpful to chat about what you are happy to compromise over and what is really important to you. For example, it might be that spending time and money with your children is both your top priority, but other expenses can be reigned in at the moment. With a foundation of solid financial planning, you might be able to create a budget for present priorities, as well as future security, that feels predictable for you both. When those good deals land, you can always top up pots, so that it becomes your family wishes and dreams, rather than windfalls, that dictate your behaviour. You might find you and your wife share surprisingly similar priorities, but whether or not this is the case, understanding each other is likely to make each other’s attitudes to money a whole lot less annoying.