My wife is planning our dream retirement – but she doesn’t know we can’t afford it

My wife has no idea about the state of our finances and they’re not in a good place. She’s planning our retirement assuming we’ll travel and relax, believing that all is tickety-boo. But my business has been suffering because of AI and I’m waking in the night trying to think how I can generate more income. I don’t want to worry my wife, who has dedicated her life to raising our children and is already complaining about my stress levels. I fear she will be angry or see me as a failure, but I also don’t want her to plan a retirement that we’re simply not going to be able to afford. Shorts We don’t usually chat about finances – it’s very much my domain and until two years ago we were lucky enough to live comfortably. I’d planned to work for five more years, gradually getting everything ready to hand over to a successor or winding down the business, but with our revenue this bad I don’t see how I’m going to be able to stop work. Just as I hoped to start relaxing, things feel more precarious than ever. I worked so hard to give my children every opportunity and I fear I’m letting them down too – though in reality they have good careers of their own. What can I do? John*, 61, Norfolk Dear John, I’m sorry this financial precariousness has hit right at the end of your career when you were hoping to start winding down. I feel there are two problems here: the first is the dire state of the economy, which unfortunately I cannot fix. I don’t think it will offer you any reassurance to know that so many of us are sailing through choppier waters than we’d like. While your children are no doubt having to think about how to future-proof their careers, you are simply trying to shore up a stable retirement. I would recommend taking some financial advice to make sure the money you already have is working for you and is secure. This might mean moving investments so they are shielded from volatile markets, looking at your pension provisions and considering downsizing ahead of retirement. If you don’t want to pay for advice, Rebel Finance School is an excellent, free resource that will help you feel confident that you are doing the best you can. The second problem is your fear that somehow you’ve let the people you love down. I don’t think you deserve to take individual responsibility for this sweeping Third Industrial revolution or for the economy. There’s no question to me that the stress you’re experiencing is more than financial, it also stems from pressure you are putting on yourself to show your love by providing for your wife. Is this how men in your family show how much they care for those around them? Does being comfortable with money make you feel safe? I wonder if you feel ashamed as well as disappointed that you’re not able to provide infinitely for your family? The most effective way to free this albatross around your neck is to chat with your wife. I can’t predict her reaction, but I would be very surprised if she considers you “a failure” or is angry when you’ve clearly worked incredibly hard to achieve a level of financial stability. Unless her reactions to other people facing financial hardship have been similar, I wonder if that is a fear that is coming from within you, possibly from your past? I would approach conversations factually and rationally, rather than as an apology. I’d reflect on how fortunate your family has been to live so comfortably as your children have grown up and how the changing economic and technological landscape is changing things significantly: this keeps you both on the same side, sharing affluence as well as financial leanness. Your wife doesn’t have a crystal ball and cannot know what is possible – or not – for your retirement lifestyle. It’s only then that she can plan within your means. It might come as a complete surprise to her and might take some time for it to sink in, but this isn’t something for you to bear alone, particularly as she can’t plan if she’s not given the facts. Please be open to her surprising you: she might want to help to generate an income or have good ideas for renting out a room in your home, downsizing or taking a job to help contribute. I imagine that while this might mean she needs to readjust her ideas of retirement, she’ll also feel relief to understand what has been burdening you and causing so much stress. By trusting her, it might just bring you closer. I hope these open conversations help you both feel lighter and encourage you to make the most of what you have. Reducing stress is positive for your health, which will have a meaningful impact on your retirement, irrespective of where and how you live.